An Open Letter to the Asshat Who Stole My Bike

You suck.

I mean, you suck like that new $500 vacuum invented by that British guy that never loses suction.  You will never stop sucking.

Why?  Why did you do that?  You probably stole Jason's bike too, which just doubly sucks.

Do you go shopping for bikes on area bike racks on a regular basis?  How the hell did you get that lock separated from my bike frame? I locked that puppy up right. I mean, that shows skill.  Maybe you should try going to school for engineering or something. Or maybe you should just not steal bikes that don’t belong to you.

Have you ever heard of karma? 

I have. So that’s why I’m not going to wish too hard for a MetroBus to come by and take you out while you happily pedal around town on my bike or for an anvil or a nice grand piano to fall on you when you go to sell it.  The universe will take care of all that in time, I’m sure.  I love you, universe.

I hate you, stupid sucky bike stealer.