An Open Letter to the Asshat Drivers of the DC Area
December 05, 2003
Re: Today's Wintry Mix Commute, a Few Suggestions:
1) Two hands on the wheel, one foot on the gas pedal.
Stop riding the brake for one cotton-pickin' minute. Put the cell phones, french fries, lipsticks, vibrators and what-have-you DOWN and PAY ATTENTION. Rinse, repeat, wipe hands on pants.
2) Slamming on the brakes in slippery conditions doesn't help you; it doesn't help me. You know who it helps? Auto collision repair shops. Quit it.
3) Turn your effing lights on! Are you retarded?
4) If you are driving on the Beltway at 5:30 p.m. on a Friday, I'm guessing this is not the first time you've driven this route. In fact, I'm willing to bet this is your regular commute. Trust me, the Dept. of Transportation did NOT choose this day to repaint all the lines or redirect River Road into a nearby gaping chasm. You know where you're going, so freaking drive already.
5) Everytime you change lanes for no reason, God kills a kitten.
6) Just because it's snowing does NOT give you license to drive 25 MPH in the left lane, especially in some misguided, self-righteous crusade to get everyone else to slow down.
On the other hand, just because you have a big honkin' SUV does NOT crown you the Invincible Overlord of Nature who can be an aggressive asshat and drive 90 MPH on the backroads. I'm confident we can find a middle ground in the spirit of togetherness and brotherhood and whatnot.
7) Anyone who buys a Hummer should be automatically drafted for military service in Iraq. Christ.
Thank you for your time. Drive safe.