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November 2003
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January 2004

Holiday Cheer & Commercials

I love Christmas so much. Am such a dork, really. I love decorating the tree, putting up lights, non-mall-parking-lot-shopping, trying to get other people to bake cookies for me, TNT's all-day marathon of A Christmas Story, and of course, presents. And then two days later, birthday presents! And then it's all over for me, for a whole year. Boo. Poor, poor Christmas baby. So in the spirit of over-compensation, I milk the entire month of December for all it's worth. So who am I to complain about holiday commercialism? A girl with a blog and a deep-rooted need to complain, that's who. There are certain holiday commercials that show up every freaking year and They Must Be Destroyed. They're the "you-know-it's-Christmas-when..." in the worst possible way. Like, I kinda look forward to the Staples Back-To-School commercial with the dad prancing around the store to "It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year" (now that the back-to-school season no longer applies to me, anyway). And I accept the inevitable increase in ads for electric razors and lottery tickets (seriously? people give those? lame!). But then there's the Body Fantasies ads. These commercials get heavy rotation every December (in fact I'm not... Read more →


I'm Not A Survivor, But I Play One On TV

Ok, everybody MUST go read Television Without Pity's recaplet of last night's episode of Survivor, which was like, the best thing EVER. The full recap should be a hoot, since the recaplet includes the best sentence ever written about Burton. "He is seriously the tooliest tool that ever tooled." My god, that's literary genius. I won't even attempt to describe Burton after that. Jon? Hate him with every fiber of my being, which makes me hate him even more because he's not worth spending that kind of emotional energy on. My only hope is that after his 15 minutes as Johnny Fairplay/Rotten/Fuckface are up, he'll never get laid again because the entire female population has seen just how repulsive he really is. Lil? A self-righteous pipsqueak. I want her to go away. Darrah? No personality to speak of, and an annoying voice to boot. But three immunity wins in a row? Damn, don't mess with tiny Southern morticians, y'all. Sandra? Loved her at first, then not so much. Started out the ep on a low point by threatening to sabotage the camp in a babyish tantrum hissyfit. But how could you not root for the girl who gave us the... Read more →


The Morning After the Morning After

Alcohol and I made up last night, even though I tried to hold a grudge. The free wine had me at hello. I really behaved quite well at the company holiday party, except for one burst of giddiness at the end when I moved my nametag from my jacket to my ass. (Seemed to be where all the drunk men of the company were looking anyway, so it made sense at the time.) Anyway, good times. Hangover-free this morning, ready to edit the best dang financial newsletter ever and be the perfect pretty picture of professionalism and poise. Do you think five chocolate-covered expresso beans is too many for breakfast? I swear I can feel my eyeballs vibrating. Read more →


Amalah Rocks, Sort Of

Before we begin—a question: Alcohol, old friend, why so cruel? Good god. I am death on toast today. And now for today’s scintillating topic: the CDs currently in the six-disc changer in my car. Disc One: Barenaked Ladies. Everything to Everyone. BNL has become one of the bands that I’ll buy anything from. Bought this one without hearing a single song on it, and it’s exactly what I expected. Silly, poppy, catchy. Probably not going to attract a lot of new fans, since the single (Another Postcard) is a very odd song about mail-stalking with monkey stationary. Huh. But current BNL fans will think this album’s just peachy. I guess I’m a BNL fan, though, ‘cuz I lurrvve it. Days in the rotation: About 3 weeks. Disc Two: Sarah McLachlan. Afterglow. No surprise here…chick music. Sarah vanished after the Lilith Fair for awhile and then came back with a very pretty album. Soothing, lyrical, slow. Makes Jason want to puncture his eardrums with his car keys. Oh well. Your wife/girlfriend/sensitive metrosexual will love it.Days in the rotation: Hasn’t left the car in a month, spent about half that time getting heavy play. Disc Three: Eminem. The Eminem Show. Ok, here’s... Read more →


Go Speedracer Go

A new record...in the car at 9:20 a.m., in the office parking garage by 9:42 a.m. Still embarrassingly late, but not too shabby when you consider that I: a) Didn't get my ass out of bed until well after 8. b) Thought, for some unknown reason, that I had enough time to sit and stare at our pretty, pretty new Christmas tree for awhile. c) Had to change clothes twice because of stain and/or spillage issues. d) Really, really need a haircut so the whole hair process is taking a lot longer than usual. So a 35-40 minute commute was slashed to astonishing 22 minutes, and I wasn't even close to being the Most Insane Driver out there. Probably in the Top 10, but definitely not the Top 5. Anyway. Work, I must now do. But shout-out to the WRX for just totally rocking my morning. Call it a station wagon and I will cut you. Read more →


Blizzard News and Google Whoring

First and foremost, let me just apologize to the person who was Googling for news on blizzard of december 7, 2003 and ended up here with my smart-ass self. Second and secondmost, let me just say how rocktastic Typepad is that it shows me useless stats like that. But now that I know who my audience really is, let me give y'all some news about the blizzard of December 7, 2003, though I have no idea in what world you could call the snow we got on December 7, 2003 a blizzard. That's news to me. There's still snow on the ground out there and it's freaking freezing, but overall we seem to have weathered the storm quite well. We started Christmas shopping in earnest yesterday and let me issue a warning: Some of you people will be really lucky if you actually get your presents from me, because they are all so totally awesome I might keep them. I'll probably go shopping again today so quick, leave me a comment about what you want. If you're going shopping, why don't you click here? Blizzard. December 7, 2003. News. Buy Amalah nice gifts. Read more →


An Open Letter to the Asshat Drivers of the DC Area

Re: Today's Wintry Mix Commute, a Few Suggestions: 1) Two hands on the wheel, one foot on the gas pedal. Stop riding the brake for one cotton-pickin' minute. Put the cell phones, french fries, lipsticks, vibrators and what-have-you DOWN and PAY ATTENTION. Rinse, repeat, wipe hands on pants. 2) Slamming on the brakes in slippery conditions doesn't help you; it doesn't help me. You know who it helps? Auto collision repair shops. Quit it. 3) Turn your effing lights on! Are you retarded? 4) If you are driving on the Beltway at 5:30 p.m. on a Friday, I'm guessing this is not the first time you've driven this route. In fact, I'm willing to bet this is your regular commute. Trust me, the Dept. of Transportation did NOT choose this day to repaint all the lines or redirect River Road into a nearby gaping chasm. You know where you're going, so freaking drive already. 5) Everytime you change lanes for no reason, God kills a kitten. 6) Just because it's snowing does NOT give you license to drive 25 MPH in the left lane, especially in some misguided, self-righteous crusade to get everyone else to slow down. On the other... Read more →


Sweet blessed death

Gah. Snow, sleet, slippery, slushy mess out there. And some kind of horrific coldish flu thing descended on me last night. The biggest symptoms are apparently adjective overuse and hyperbole. Yet I here I am, at work, diligently editing another fascinating investment newsletter. (Since my boss is probably my first and only fan of this blog, though, he knows that's a load of crap. What up, Viper! I'll get back to work after I'm done whining, promise.) Except for the fact that everyone out there decided to drive 25 MPH in the left lane this morning, the drive in was fine. Husband v.1.1 was so kind as to let me drive the AWD Subaru WRX today, even though it was his turn, and he drove to work in the Ford Fishtail Car of Death. Love him! Oh one more funny story...we had Recognition Day at work, which is our monthly corporate spirit lovefest. Part of the festivities include trivia questions that only two people in the company ever get right. This month, though, they decided to cater to the common, stupid employee and ask questions about holiday movies and specials. Here's how brilliant I am: I knew that the 2001... Read more →


Wha?

So I'm staring at my monitor, trying to think of something amusing and witty to write about, when I look outside and realize it's snowing. I'm totally shocked because this is exactly what the weatherpeople predicted. When does that ever happen? Last night Fox 5 News (Slogan: Your News Source for Muckraking, Sensation Journalism and Bart's People) started in with the typical snow-forecast-shock-and-awe promo campaign. Clips from the big blizzard last year, stock footage of people shoveling sidewalks, a couple closeups of tires spinning in snow...you know, the usual schtick. So of course, I predicted we would not see a flake. Made a big preachy, harpy deal about it too. Big 'ole whatEVER to these southern folk...I'm from PA y'all! We saw snowstorms every day starting after Labor Day and school never closed cuz we walked uphill both ways in flip-flops and all that. A "wintry mix" was predicted for tonight, so people were rushing around getting milk and bottled water during lunch today and I was just pissed off because Safeway was sold out of this month's InStyle mag. It's a necessity people! It's the Ultimate Gift Guide issue! But now here I am, watching honest-to-God snow fall from... Read more →


Come On In, We've Got Pandas

Tourists and Washington, DC share that odd, semi-symbiotic relationship that all cities have with their tourists. Tourists are mostly annoying. They travel in big, sidewalk-monopolizing groups. They either walk veeeerrry slooowly or do that dreaded stop-start-stop walk as they exclaim over the History and Culture of everything. They almost always box in an extremely irritated businessperson on a cell phone who just wants to get past this group of matching T-shirts so they can then insult them to the person on the other end of the line. “Effing tourists,” they’ll say. “Goddamned bus tours.” But they will wait until the tourists are safely out of earshot—we in Our Nation’s Capital are generally polite to their faces. Call us Southern-Fried New Yorkers. We’ll slow down when asked where you can get a decent meal around here, knowing full well that’s code for where’s-the-nearest-Pizza-Hut. Most of the time I’ll oblige, though I did once send a family to Michel Richard’s Citronelle after the father specifically requested “nothing foreign or hoity-toity.” Like I said, mostly annoying. Tourists are the reason there was an actual movement (with petitions and everything) to get metro to post WALK LEFT STAND RIGHT signs on the escalators. Commuters... Read more →