Boss Lady

I have my very first interview tomorrow. I mean, it's my very first time as interviewer instead of interviewee. Professional virgin territory. Wait...that doesn't sound right...I mean, I'm not a professional virgin (methinks the jig is up on that one), but as a professional, this is vir--

Oh hell.

Yeah, I'm the big managing editor 'round here and I cannot write worth a damn today. Kiss my ass, interview person. I don't need to write good no more, because I plan to make it all your job.

I got the résumé and it's kind of scary-impressive. And I wore my best professional-yet-stylish suit today. Dammit. Is my pinstripe back from the cleaners? And my office is a mess. I should clean if we're going to have company. Or should I leave it messy so I look busy and super-important?

I think I should move the talking Pets.com sock puppet. And maybe the Muppets finger puppets. Seriously, what is with all the puppets? I'm insane. I have a talking tribble and a Justin Timberlake bobblehead doll that I got at the dollar store. In my office, for Christ's sake.

Should I have questions written out in advance? Here's what I'm thinking:

1) What contestant from Survivor do you most identify with and why?

2) Coke or Pepsi?

3) If you take the name of your first pet and the name of the first street you lived on, what do you get? (Me? Annie Twin Oak.)

Should I take notes or just stare intensely and go "Mm-hmm" occasionally? Oh oh! I should just stay silent after they've finished answering my question so they feel the need to keep talking, and then once they really get going again I'll interrupt with the next question. That would be cool.

Fear me, interview person. But also like me. Because I'll be the coolest boss ever. I mean, Muppet finger puppets! That's cool! Right?

Right?