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December 2003
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February 2004

Sanity Slightly Restored

So tomorrow night is a girls' night out. THANK the LORD. My friend Andie and I usually spend an entire week debating venues, eateries, times, clothes, moon cycles, etc. whenever we plan a night out. We start with a long list of restaurants, winnow it down, winnow it back up, debate, kvetch and then ultimately change our minds at the last minute. I think our record was something like 26 emails to plan one Wednesday happy hour. This week, though, I just couldn't get into the whole Amy & Andie Listmania '04 thing. My list of options was feeble and my comments were cranky and distracted. Then Andie read this morning's crazed entry and sent me the following email: i'm worried about you. okay tommorrow... i'll meet you at your place after work.. we'll go to spices and from there find a local establishment that specializes in refreshing beverages. how that's okay.. just thought maybe it might help if i make the decisions... know when i'm stressed am so not good at decisions. How much do I love her? I love her like Homer loves donuts. Hell, I love her like I love donuts. Read more →

Killing Me Loudly

On the very literal verge of an actual nervous breakdown at work. Seriously. Chest thumping, hands shaking, the whole show. Must develop some sort of device to alter the space/time continuum in order to get everything done. Self-medicating with Smarties and pretending they are candy-flavored Xanax. Got my car back. They fixed the battery cable, but not the fuel pump recall or the squealing rear brakes. Two days, the effers had it. Two. Days. They also left me with a practically flat tire. Went to three gas stations looking for air this morning; found none. Drove to work on the verge of a blowout. Luckily the roads had been salted in preparation for the vicious 10 minutes of flurries we had last night. Anyway. No time, no time. Why am I talking to you? Or rather, to myself? Wait…why am I reading this out loud as I type? Uh-oh. Read more →

This Just In!

Working from home today (Ford’s still in the shop, grr), and going through my backlog of TiVo’d Simpsons episodes from the past week. Promo spot for last night’s Fox 5 News broadcast: “High-speed internet that’s faster than dial-up and it won’t tie up your telephone line! New service that will change the way YOU web!” Oh damn, why didn’t I watch the news last night? Here I am, “webbing” the same old way, when there’s a new secret cutting-edge service out there! Also hysterical: the footage teasing this big scoop was of some guy hunting and pecking at a keyboard while the Fox 5 homepage displays a big ole’ picture of Paris Hilton. And then a close-up of an electrical outlet. Shwaa? Oh my god, do you think it’s something wireless? Wireless and high-speed?? Because that would be so cool. And that would be so what I have already. Idiots. Read more →

Stupid TV Heaven

Oh. Oh yes. They're here. Survivor All-Stars. Rupert! Rudy! Richard! And a bunch of other people! I already hate Jerri more than anything, all over again. Die, Bitcherella. Go and drown yourself in an all-new puddle of evil. Read more →

Amy vs. the Universe: A Ballet in Three Acts

Mondays are so fanfuckingtastic sometimes. Scene: I leave my house this morning (which is freezing, because the heat’s not working again. Again.), and get in the car. The Ford Focus ZX3. The lesser car. Not a bad car…just lesser. I wave to Jason as he drives off to work in the better car. Key in ignition. rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr….nothing. Well, okay. It’s pretty cold out. Let’s try that again. (More pathetic revving commences.) Oh god, did someone leave the lights on? Negative. Huh. Interior light on? Nope. Is it in neutral? Check. rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr…shudder, gasp, die. Crap. Where’s my phone? Not in my purse. Crappity crap! Back up three flights of stairs. Phone is not in charger. Phone is not in other purse. Find old bottle of Clonazepam. Ahhhh. Nice. Finally find JASON’s phone in JASON’s jacket. Call him while dashing back downstairs, having a full-on hissyfit about the phones and the car and the Pile o’ Things waiting for me at the office. No way in HELL I am waiting for Ford Fucking Roadside Assistance this morning. Jason senses this and promises to turn around and come back home. And this is why our marriage works. Better call work and tell them... Read more →

Skiers on Strike

So moving to Killington may not equal moving to Vermont after all. If the numbers work out, Killington will petition the New Hampshire Legislature to see if it would be interested in acquiring a ski town in central Vermont. Shwaa? I think I'll petition the Killington Select Board to see if they would be interested in acquiring a condo community in NW Washington, DC. And then when I take a bus down to Georgetown I'll say to people, "Wow, the nation's capital! It's amazing! Can you take my picture? I'm from out of state. Yeah. Just visiting from up the street. Vermont. Or New Hampshire. It really depends." Read more →

Yes, Exactly

Winter Dreaming

Lordy, what a week. And I'm only up to Love-A-Lot Bear from the Care Bears thong set. So I'm driving home tonight, tailgated almost the entire time by a Jeep with one semi-out headlight. The driver decided to compensate for this by turning on his brights. Every time I looked in the rearview mirror: Blam! Blinding light! Glance in the side mirror: Blam! My retinas are still aching. Sigh. It's always about this time of year that Jase and I start fanatasizing about packing up and moving to Vermont. We start browsing the real estate sites for places like this. We start debating whether we have enough pull at our jobs to work remotely. (Yeah, not a chance.) We've never worked it out, obviously. Last year we let the VT thing drop because there aren't any Chipotles up there. Oh, and no jobs. That too. But a few months ago we found that there are like a hundred bazillion calories in those burritos, so we don't eat there that much anymore. And so the VT longings are back. It's effing freezing here, but no skiing. Everyone drives SUV monstrosities, but no one can drive in flurries. Our super-rewarding careers? Meh.... Read more →

Viewer Mail

So I received the following email today: Dear Amalah, We are loyal readers of your blog. We were intrigued by your discussion of your holidays, specifically, your sister, brother-in-law and niece. Who are these people? They appear, from your brief description, to be dynamic, sensitive and absolutely not the types who would ever spill wine all over a holiday celebration. Please do tell. Dear Gentle Reader, I am very sorry if I gave such a dramatically untrue impression of my family. Sometimes, as a responsible online diarist, I try to hide the ugly truths regarding those I know in my offline life -- even if telling the real story would get big laughs. (And maybe some bloody comments, you ingrates. I know you're reading but who leaves comments? My parents.) My sister Jennie (Or "Jumpin' Jennie Jemima" as she prefers to be called) is a screeching, alcoholic harpy with impeccable fashion sense. She's blonde like I am and skinny like I was in seventh grade. But do I secretly resent her for it? Yes. Yes I do. She enjoys spilling wine at holiday gatherings with her sister and causing International Incidents at Indian restaurants. Is secretly having an affair with... Read more →

Resolutions Shot to Bloody Hell

Day Two of the new year and surprise, surprise, not doing too well on my resolutions. Woke up at 8:09 a.m., 39 minutes later than I planned. No time to deep-condition hair. Proceeded to stand in the closet and stare at my clothes for approximately 17 minutes before putting something on, changing mind, changing clothes again. Repeat until 8:44 a.m.; finally dressed and out the door at 9:12 a.m. Two cups of coffee and a soda already. Bit right pinkie nail off. Visited twice and checked Survivor spoiler sites for rumored All-Stars line-up. Lunch? Ramen noodles in a cup from the vending machine. Blogging at work? Check. But on the positive side of things, I did something even more important than any of the resolutions on my list. I registered for classes. The last two classes I need for my degree. By May 14, I'll be done. I started going to school part-time just after my junior year, when the publishing company I was interning for offered me a full-time job. I was very diligent for awhile, but then got laaaaaaaaaazzzzzzzzzzzzyyyyy. Got jobs and promotions despite officially lacking a degree. Started taking semesters off. Like six of 'em. In... Read more →