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The Metrorail Commandments, Cont'd

Part Two: Seating Etiquette HA! Center-facing seats on Metro are “Priority Seating for the Disabled and Senior Citizens,” which I think is just the sweetest idea. However, living in the barbaric culture that we do, they are really priority seating for whoever can run over the most people and get to them. When someone for whom those seats are meant gets on, the people sitting in the priority seating suddenly develop disabilities of their own: 1) Blindness 2) Narcolepsy 3) Paralysis 4) Varying degrees of various vegetative states. Once in a blue moon, I have indeed seen someone give up their seat. It’s a beautiful gesture. It’s usually a young college student in his best interview suit. Sometimes it’s a kindly businessman. It is never a woman. Why is this? Well, we’re just bitches I guess. Some people hate being “on the inside.” This refers to the seat next to the window. Windows on the Metro do not hold the appeal that they do on airplanes. Windows on the Metro mean you get to watch the inside of tunnels. They are not great. Although they do make very good mirrors. Once you enter a tunnel, you can see a perfectly... Read more →


The Rise & Fall of Amalah Inc.

Me: Oh my god, two whole people have emailed me asking if they could do the ABC list thing on their site. I've created a blog fad!! Her: You rock. :) Me: I'm totally famous. among 17 people. Her: You are all over peoples sites, too. Me: World domination plan almost complete Her: First you need a world DONATION plan - so that you can stay home. Her: We could set up one of those click-me things... click the link to give to the great Amalah... Me: an amazon tip jar Me: to help pay my massive $8.05 a month Typepad bill Her: Hey - don't disclose the finances. :) Me: oh right! I mean to help pay my hefty and escalating operation expenses Her: yes... Her: 'cause until you IPO - you don't have to tell anyone. Me: Amalah Inc. (NASDAQ: AMLA) Her: but, then there is the pressure to produce.... the publicity... the drinking, the drugs... Me: the sex scandal with an intern... Her: people online will start trashing your hair and clothes behind you back.... Her: The guy at the shoe store will write a tell all book... Me: The Peapod delivery man will sue me for... Read more →


ABCs of Me

Or, You Gotta Have a Gimmick. With apologies to every blogger whose sidebar I stole one of these from. Admiring: My pretty, shiny necklace that I got for Valentine’s Day. Beating myself up about: The $90 a month gym membership that I never use. Crying over: Oh good lord. Everything. Survivor. Sex & the City. Phone commercials. Onions. Spilt milk. Etc. Daydreaming about: My couch. My comfy couch with my ass on it. Excited because: I found an old floppy full of Max’s too-cute-for-words baby pictures this weekend. Frustrated because: My Photoshop skills suck so I can’t get the baby pictures un-blurrified. Grumpy because: Eve3 cranked up her space heater too high and knocked out the power in our offices first thing this morning and I lost a lot of important stuff. Hate-filled and seething over: I also lost a better version of this list. Indignant because: People are seriously taking bets over who will be the next woman to get pregnant in the office. I made the top three, apparently. Just shoot me now because: I just ate seven (7) dark chocolate Hershey Kisses in about 15 seconds. And I don’t even like dark chocolate. Kidding myself regarding: The... Read more →


The Metrorail Commandments

Preface, sort of: Metro is D.C.'s subway system. It's short for Washington Metropolitan Area Transit Authority, because Metro sounds better than Wmata. I love Metro, but it drives me batshit crazy sometimes. Well, most of the time. So here I present to you, innocent readers who could not give less of a crap, Amy's Holy Testament of Metro Rules to Live By, Cherish, and For God's Sakes Quit It. First of Three Parts. Because I Like to Ramble Something Crazy. Part One: Escalators of Doom If you stand still on an escalator within the D.C. Metrorail System, please stand to the right side. Riders who are in terrible hurry walk up the left side. Yes, most of the time they are rushing to stand and wait on the platform for their connecting train, but it makes them feel better to dash frantically up the escalator before the boring pacing and standing on the platform. Please don’t take this away from them. Some people have a favorite granite bench that they like to sit on everyday, or a favorite concrete pillar to lean against, and need to rush up and get it before someone else gets there and ruins their whole... Read more →


Curse You PS2!

An entire day's work. Gone. Ruined. Reset. I have done absolutely nothing today except play Simpsons Hit & Run. I was planning to clean out a closet or fold some laundry or maybe, just maybe (although who are we kidding here) get a head start on next week's homework for my classes. But instead I woke up and started playing Playstation. Oh, and I've eaten a lot of baby carrots. But now, the Playstation, after about four hours of playing time, decided to freeze up. Totally skitched out and froze. Had I saved my game at any point? Of course not, because I? Am an idiot. So now a day that I was already pretty much wasting anyway is now completely wasted. Blasted tarnation and whatnot. Anyway. I should go for a walk. Or do some cleaning. Or homework. Or eat something besides more baby carrots. Sigh. Yes, I should. And I will. Just after I make up SOME of my lost progress...because, come on. Read more →


Fuck You, Mark Burnett

Ok. A new low point in my life. Survivor All-Stars made me cry. Scratch that. Survivor All-Stars made me bawl like a little freaking baby. SURVIVOR. MADE ME CRY. Fuck you Burnett. Fuck you so hard. For those of you who don't watch (and seriously, shame on you and I bet you think you're better than me for not watching well guess what no), tonight one of of the Survivors (the much-not-loved Jenna Morasca) quit the game. Because her mom had cancer and after six days in Panama she realized that she shouldn't be in the game. She needed to go home and be with her mom. Her mom died eight days after Jenna got home. I. Freaking. Lost. My. Shit. When I was in ninth grade, my mom took me for a drive. I forget where we went, but I remember we ended up at a Taco Bell parking lot. She turned the engine off and stared straight ahead when she told me Dad had cancer. I didn't know what to do. So I cried because she was crying. Dad had radiation. I got a kitten in my Easter basket. I expected people in high school to treat me... Read more →


God Loves Me

At 4:05 p.m. ET, I got the following email: February 12th, Instant Messenger users will be able to use IM at 4:00 p.m. for your business communication. Thank you for your patience. At 4:19 p.m. ET, all was set right with the world. (Business communication. Snort. Hee!) Read more →


I've Lost It, For Good & Official-Like

me: WHAT THE FUCK also me: what! what! me: IM IS STILL NOT WORKING also me: oh dear god me: this is dire also me: are you sure? let me try to connect again me: it's NOT WORKING, you SILLY TWIT also me: well there's no harm in trying... also me: yeah, not working me: duh, dumbface also me: look, i'm the only one you have to chat with so be nice, ok? me: yeah, ok, ok. also me: this is like, ruining my marriage me: really? didn't you find you and jason actually had stuff to talk about since you didn't IM him with every random flighty thought in your head all day? also me: well, first his dad was in town for business so we went to dinner and then American Idol was on so no, we didn't really talk me: American Idol instead of talking with your husband. ok. also me: we talked about American Idol while it was on, does that count? me: no. how was the fater-in-law visit? me: oops, i mean father-in-law also me: super unexpected. i had to dash home and clean. throw out massive empty boxes of caffeine-free Coke and hide the... Read more →


So what's next, the building's water supply?

Oh for the love of god. There's some kind of IM virus/worm thing running loose at my office so they terminated all IM access. It's been down for about 20 minutes and I am already a complete wackaloon without it. me: i can't believe they shut off IM. that's like, not humane! also me: it is cruel and unusual punishment me: it's a hostile work environment also me: i wonder what jason's doing. it'd be nice to say hi. me: i hope all my friends still like me also me: goddammit i'm gonna have to get up and walk down the hall to give that thing to that person me: you could call also me: i don't *do* the telephone me: you're crazy also me: i have issues, yes, shut it me: i miss sprocketeer also me: i don't want to work, i want to say funny things to people me: you're not funny also me: hey, yes i am! me: no, seriously, you're not. this is the stupidest IM conversation i've ever had also me: you're mean! me: shut up. i'm done with this. stop talking to me Read more →