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January 2004
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March 2004

When All the Weirdos Turn Crazy

Can anyone tell me what the hell, exactly, is wrong with people? So yesterday I’m driving home, complete with a raging caffeine-withdrawal headache. Traffic was heavier than usual on the highway, and at one point we slowed down to a crawl. Gah. Sucks. But whatever. Then I see some asshat barreling down the right shoulder, going at least 70. On the shoulder. The shoulder. Where you really aren’t supposed to drive. Where there could be someone broken down around the next bend. Or a cop, but of course that’s way wishful thinking on my part. This shoulder was an especially stupid place to be speeding, because it ends quite suddenly when the highway we were on merges with another bigger, crappier and more congested highway. Oh, and did I mention there’s been random construction on this highway for the past bajillion years? But the weird thing is, I didn’t really think about all this stuff until later. At the time, I just watched him fly by me, shook my head and thought, “Damn, and it’s only Tuesday.” Because usually the road ragers wait until Thursday or Friday to go really and truly beserk. Case in point: Driving home on a... Read more →


My Thumbs Hurt

Ow. Seriously, they do hurt. Saturday night we went out to dinner (which is the grown-up version of going out and getting smashed, only now it comes with an appetizer and costs over $100) with another couple; 1/2 of which is an amalah.com regular reader, which means I love her dearly. I gave her blogcards, we dicussed how this photo was seriously and honest-to-godly not staged, we discussed what one should do when a coworker reads your blog and then has the nerve to steal a joke from it, word for word, during a meeting, in front of you. And we talked Simpsons. Now people, I have seen every episode of the Simpsons at least a dozen times. I TiVo three episodes a day and watch each and every one. I can recite long strings of dialogue and have a scary gift of recall...that is, I can come up with a Simpsons reference for absolutely anything. "Ooh look, they have homemade eclairs for dessert here." "Hee, hee." "What?" "Oh, I'm just thinking of the time Homer became a food critic for the Springfield Shopper and gave all the restaurants bad reviews so the owners decided to kill him with the... Read more →


Fake-Out Thursday

I thought yesterday was Thursday. For like, hours. I was writing today's date and happily humming the It's Almost Friday Song all morning. (It's my own composition -- imagine if the ba-ba-bump-ba part of I Wanna Be Sedated segued into 99 Luft Balloons and the lyrics were stuff like "It's almost Friday and I'm so glad, Friday's tomorrow and ba-ba-ba-bump-de-ba, etc.") So you can imagine my horror when I learned, at approximately 11:45 a.m. yesterday, that it was not Thursday at all, but Wednesday. I very nearly wept. So even though today is Thursday, there is no joy. There is no It's Almost Friday song. Because I've already been here, done that this week. Today should be Friday and it's not. It's Thursday. Big freaking whoo. And all this trauma is because I haven't done laundry in ages and did not have my Care Bears days-of-the-week underwear as a point of reference. Read more →


8 Things About My Day

1) I'm currently editing what may very well go down in history as the Worst 8 Pages of Text Ever Written Since the Dawn of Mankind (and No, I Did Not Write It, Thank You Very Much). I have to send it to print on Friday. At this point, the only solution I see is to correct all the spelling and grammar mistakes, send it print, then burn all copies and never speak of it again. 2) It's been three days since I've had any caffeine, except for a couple sips (ok, gulps) of Jason's soda last night. I'm downright homicidal. Can it, bitches. 3) I'm wearing kickass new boots. That I practically got for free. No, seriously! I almost bought these Charles David boots at Filene's before Christmas for $189 but didn't. But then this weekend I went back to the store and the boots were still there and 50% off so of course I had to get them. But then I saw these awesome Cole Haan pumps for $109. Was I really prepared to spend almost $200 on shoes that day? No, but I was going to anyway. But then the cashier was just all kinds of special... Read more →


Superbowl Sell-Out Spectacular!

Jason and Amy watch the Superbowl Halftime Show. An only vaguely embellished transcript. Jason: Why isn’t anyone else doing a halftime show? Like MTV usually does something. Amy: Who knows. Who cares. They all suck. Jason: We could watch the Lingerie Bowl on pay-per-view. Amy: (silence) Jason: Oh. The regular halftime show is MTV. Sellouts. Amy: Jessica Simpson! Aaaaeeeiiiiii!!! Jason: Nice majorette costume. Amy: She’s stupid dumb. Jason: Look, here’s the least embarrassing member of the Jackson family! Amy: And she’s gone goth! Or gladiator. Jason: She is so not dancing. Amy: You mean singing? Jason: Yeah, that too. Amy: P. Diddy! Aaaeeeeeeeiiiiii!! Amy: P. Diddly Iddly, as Flanders would say. TV: Oh Diddy you’re so fine you’re so fine you blow my mind... Jason: Those are words no one should ever have to hear. Amy: Uh oh, Nelly’s coming! The cheerleaders are switching teams! I sense a tussle! Jason: This is a good song. Amy: Yeah, like over a year ago. Jason: Too bad when Nelly was on SNL he was practically tone deaf. Amy: Yeah, the acoustics must be much better in Atlanta. Jason: (snort) Amy: BA WID DA BA DE BANG DE BANG DIDDY Jason: And next... Read more →