March 26, 2004
To: All Users of the Ladies’ Room, Which Would Mean, Basically, All Ladies.
From: Amy, Queen of Everything, Esq.
Re: Toilet Seat Covers
The paper toilet seat covers supplied in our restroom are a wonderful public service. No one wants to share ass-germs with anyone else, no matter how delightful we may find you otherwise. While they are thin and flimsy, they are a comfort to many of us who secretly think that you? Are skanky.
However, it has come to my attention that someone(s) (somebody(s)? some dipshit(s)?) is/are taking a paper seat cover and then changing their mind and shoving the cover BACK into the dispenser. I can tell you’re doing this because I am not an idiot.
Are you taking two? Are you deciding at the last minute to live life dangerously and risk the ass-germs? I do not know. But what I do know is that I want you to quit it. Your hands have touched the seat cover, and therefore I do not want that seat cover anywhere near my ass. Because you are skanky, dirty girls and I have Germ Issues.
Look, these paper toilet seat covers are not a precious resource. Go on, treat yourself. The company will never know that you flushed an extra seat cover. You do not have a daily seat cover allotment. And they’re so wafer-thin? It’s not even a 1,000,000,000th percent of a tree. So just flush the extra one. It’s the circle of life.
I’m sure if we all work together, we can all enjoy a pristine, uncrumpled and untouched toilet seat cover on every visit. Because this is America, and we waste things. So trying to salvage a crumpled toilet seat cover? Is freaking communism, people.
Thank you for your time, germies.