11 Things I Learned While Watching The Swan
April 26, 2004
Yes. I know. I'm disappointed in myself too. I told Chris that I would not watch The Swan, mostly because I was embarrassed to let TiVo know I watched it. (TiVo's been recommending indie movies and stuff on BBC America, y'all, I finally got it to think that I'm smart! ) But then today, while watching a Simpsons rerun, that irresistable green "thumbs up" icon showed up on a commercial for The Swan.
What could I do? TiVo was literally giving me the green light to watch this garbage. It was like, "C'mon, you've earned it. I know you have a season pass to The Office and stopped watching American Idol. You deserve some trash."
So I did. And I'm glad, because I learned some Very Important Lessons.
1) I'm actually very pretty and quite happy with my looks.
2) Except that I could probably use some fat injections under my eyes.
3) Also my top lip is much smaller than my lower lip, and this is apparently a really horrible thing that I should get fixed.
4) I'm not quite so ready to have a baby now that I've seen just what it does to the skin around your belly button. Ew.
5) Doritos Rollitos may in fact be the most delicious things I have ever tasted, and not even close-ups of other women's cellulite will make me stop eating them.
6) My right boob is almost a full cup size smaller than the left one, which is still only an A-cup, and my entire chest is losing its Lolita-like appeal as the years go by. So if I get the eye-bag fat injections and the upper-lip tissue restructuring it would really make sense to just get a boob job at the same time.
7) No, no it wouldn't. Because that? Looks incredibly painful. Beyond painful. Although I imagine recovering from plastic surgery is a little worse when there's a FUCKING CAMERA being shoved in your poor, swollen and mutilated face constantly. Still. Hell no.
8) Surgery-related blood and guts and even some quick shots of boobage are okay, but ass-cracks are still too hot for prime-time TV. You either pixelate that out or make the doctor spread a little hand towel over it. Hee.
9) The blond girl in tonight's episode look(ed) a LOT like this girl I knew in high school so I got out my yearbook to look up her name. Not her. But then I Googled her and she's some sort of Pennsylvania beauty queen now. Her! A beauty queen! Talk about ducklings and swans and baby chickens and all that.
10) Even though FOX has probably produced eleventy billion hours' worth of reality television since Survivor appeared on the scene, and yet they still don't. Get. It. Stop with the vaguely foreignish female hosts who do absolutely nothing useful and stop with the McMansion settings and crazy violinning and oh my GAWD stop with the showing the SAME DAMN FOOTAGE SEVEN TIMES IN THE SAME HOUR-LONG SHOW. "Before we meet sad-chubby-blond-girl-number-four, let's have one last look at her arrival, the arrival that we just showed you 45 minutes ago when she actually arrived and then showed again at the halfway point and then one more time before the last commercial break. But it has such a good sound bite about how sad she was, so one last time, whee!"
11) The Halle Berry-narrated domestic violence PSA that ran constantly during tonight's episode? With the whole "Does he tell you he loves you when he's hitting you?" Was more depressing than anything, ever. Does FOX tell The Swan contestants it loves them too? Or will that all depend on the ratings?