To: The Universe, c/o Karma Payable Department
Re: Services Rendered and Services Owed
Description of Services: Complete and Utter Royal Screwjob
Herewith, please find Amalah’s (hereafter known as “Injured Party") demands for payback from the Universe (hereafter known as “the Universe”).
1) The Universe shall not fuck with Injured Party for a minimum of six (6) months.
2) The Injured Party and her immediate friends and family shall be granted good health, clear skin, piles of money and funny blog topics about bad things that happen to OTHER PEOPLE.
2a) Injured Party shall be allowed to smoke without repercussions.
2b) Injured Party shall lose 10 pounds without giving up carbs, sugar or alcohol. Injured Party makes this demand because the weight is only there because of the medicines she takes as a result of the Universe not getting a move on item three (3) already.
3) The Universe will knock Injured Party up and shall do it soon, bitch.
3a) Morning sickness shall not be included in the knocking up process.
3b) Morning sickness shall continue to plague that one girl whom the Injured Party intensely dislikes for the remainder of her pregnancy, that fertile bitch.
4) John Stevens shall be voted off American Idol tonight for the love of all that is good and holy.
4a) Omarosa will shut the fuck up.
4b) Ambah and Bahstun Rob will quit with the lovey-dovey nonsense and screw each other over on Survivor in some spectacular fashion. A bitchslap would be nice, too.
4c) Gilmore Girls will stop upsetting the Injured Party with the crazy plot twists. The Injured Party takes this show too damn seriously and would prefer if it stayed happy and funny and fluffy. When evil schemes and meanness infiltrate Stars Hollow, it hurts the Injured Party’s stomach. Richard Gilmore and Mrs. CuteDean? Am totally looking in your direction.
5) No car problems of any kind, including a) flat tires, b) dead batteries, c) non-functioning AC on long car rides in 85 degree weather, d) big-ass scrapes on the bumper from that JACKASS in that FUCKING RANGE ROVER who BUMPS his way out of parking spaces EVERY GODDAMN DAY, e) car doors slamming back on limbs and/or appendages, or f) any type of recall from Ford which sucks so hard.
5a) Yes, all of the above have been inflicted on the Injured Party in the past few months, Universe. You suck.
6) TypePad will never crash again as soon as the Injured Party hits “Preview,” thus losing her whole damn post. Like this time. It’s never as funny when she retypes and is also more bitter and crotchety-sounding.