Amalah Makes Some Demands
April 21, 2004
To: The Universe, c/o Karma Payable Department
From: Amalah
Re: Services Rendered and Services Owed
Description of Services: Complete and Utter Royal Screwjob
Herewith, please find Amalah’s (hereafter known as “Injured Party") demands for payback from the Universe (hereafter known as “the Universe”).
1) The Universe shall not fuck with Injured Party for a minimum of six (6) months.
2) The Injured Party and her immediate friends and family shall be granted good health, clear skin, piles of money and funny blog topics about bad things that happen to OTHER PEOPLE.
2a) Injured Party shall be allowed to smoke without repercussions.
2b) Injured Party shall lose 10 pounds without giving up carbs, sugar or alcohol. Injured Party makes this demand because the weight is only there because of the medicines she takes as a result of the Universe not getting a move on item three (3) already.
3) The Universe will knock Injured Party up and shall do it soon, bitch.
3a) Morning sickness shall not be included in the knocking up process.
3b) Morning sickness shall continue to plague that one girl whom the Injured Party intensely dislikes for the remainder of her pregnancy, that fertile bitch.
4) John Stevens shall be voted off American Idol tonight for the love of all that is good and holy.
4a) Omarosa will shut the fuck up.
4b) Ambah and Bahstun Rob will quit with the lovey-dovey nonsense and screw each other over on Survivor in some spectacular fashion. A bitchslap would be nice, too.
4c) Gilmore Girls will stop upsetting the Injured Party with the crazy plot twists. The Injured Party takes this show too damn seriously and would prefer if it stayed happy and funny and fluffy. When evil schemes and meanness infiltrate Stars Hollow, it hurts the Injured Party’s stomach. Richard Gilmore and Mrs. CuteDean? Am totally looking in your direction.
5) No car problems of any kind, including a) flat tires, b) dead batteries, c) non-functioning AC on long car rides in 85 degree weather, d) big-ass scrapes on the bumper from that JACKASS in that FUCKING RANGE ROVER who BUMPS his way out of parking spaces EVERY GODDAMN DAY, e) car doors slamming back on limbs and/or appendages, or f) any type of recall from Ford which sucks so hard.
5a) Yes, all of the above have been inflicted on the Injured Party in the past few months, Universe. You suck.
6) TypePad will never crash again as soon as the Injured Party hits “Preview,” thus losing her whole damn post. Like this time. It’s never as funny when she retypes and is also more bitter and crotchety-sounding.
That sounds like a perfectly reasonable contract. I mean, it's not like you never did anything for 'the universe'. It's time for a little reciprocosity.
Sing it sistah! :-) The Universe shall heretofore recognize that payback is officially a bitch!
Amen Girl! You tell that Universe off! I especially appreciated when you called the Universe a bitch. Ha! That cracks me up!
I mean, really - WHERE'S THE TRANNY PORN?
Seriously. Sounds like the Universe owes you big time, yo. I think you need to make sure and CC the Universe's boss on that, whoever that would be.
I know!!! I LOVE the Gilmore Girls. So will Rory be a home wrecker? Will Lorelei's boyfriend be broke? Will Luke always be that adorable?
FG, YES! Luke will forever be the hot piece of man that he is right now. At least, in my world he will be. The other stuff? I don't care.
Amy, I shall make a few calls to the people in the Karma Dept. who owe me one. I'm on top of it!
Please amend clause 2. Change "[t]he Injured Party and her immediate friends and family shall be granted good health, clear skin . . ." to
"[t]he "Injured Party and her immediate friends and family (including, but not limited to, Injured Party's siblings and immediate family of same) shall be granted good health, clear skin . . . " With those changes, your demand meets with our approval.
The Universe OWES you sistah! It will comply... poste haste, nice and neat.
And in other news, I was flipping throught the channels last night and ran across Judith, of the Light in jail... talking to her cute but unwordly female (young) lawyer.
Yes, she was ON last night.
No clue in what.
The Universe OWES you sistah! It will comply... poste haste, nice and neat.
And in other news, I was flipping through the channels last night and ran across Judith, of the Light in jail... talking to her cute but unwordly female (young) lawyer.
Yes, she was ON last night.
No clue in what.
um, the double posting....?
So not my fault for stopping the process to spell something correctly.
It was the Universe's fault... yo.
Fine. I'll comply. Well, to all but #4, obviously. I mean - come ON Amy - if I had let John S get voted out, what would all your blog friends have to bitch about today?
Bad week at the office?
She ku's for the crown!!
So I thought I'd check the blog...
Wow! Adding link now!!!
You know...you may be on to something. Let me know how it goes. **runs off to draft his own memo**