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March 2004
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May 2004

The Many Loves of Amalah, Part One

After reading all your lovely comments about dickweed ex-boyfriends and Lauren’s charming little story of young love gone haywire, it's obvious I have many, many more days’ worth of entries about my History Of Lurve With The Boys to share with y'all. So today? Lurve, first-grade style. Heartbreak, Betrayal and Cabbage Patch Kid Lunchboxes. Flashback (Wayne's World style) to the first day of first grade. I am riding the big school bus. I am gazing lovingly at my yellow Cabbage Patch Kids lunchbox. Oh, how I love it so. I also love my new socks with the pink lace around... Read more →

Pride Comes Before a Something Something...

Last night, as Jason and I were walking back from the gym, I mentioned that it was time for another redesign for I’m worried that between the whole “Queen of Everything” theme and my somewhat (okay, very) cocky writing I’m putting some people off. To which Jason promptly replied, “Well, yeah. I’m sure you are. I mean, I know it’s your schtick, but you do come across as pretty elitist.” Of course I pitched a fit in response to this allegation but also secretly knew he was right. And I don’t want to put anybody off. I love every... Read more →

Advice @

As part of my quest to remain The Queen of Everything and The Boss of You, I've decided to start giving everybody advice about how to live their lives. Behold, the first of what is sure to be an immensely popular feature here at The Wednesday Advice Smackdown. (I go with what works, people, shut up.) Send all your stupid problems to amy[at] with the subject line: "I'm a big four-eyed lame-o and I wear the same stupid sweater every day." Or just "Advice", your choice. Disclaimer: This is in no way anywhere as good and pure and lovely... Read more →

11 Things I Learned While Watching The Swan

Yes. I know. I'm disappointed in myself too. I told Chris that I would not watch The Swan, mostly because I was embarrassed to let TiVo know I watched it. (TiVo's been recommending indie movies and stuff on BBC America, y'all, I finally got it to think that I'm smart! ) But then today, while watching a Simpsons rerun, that irresistable green "thumbs up" icon showed up on a commercial for The Swan. What could I do? TiVo was literally giving me the green light to watch this garbage. It was like, "C'mon, you've earned it. I know you have... Read more →

"Delete Post" Cannot Be Undone. Ever!

For you lucky few who came here over the weekend and got to read a certain post that was written when a certain girl was a little...tipsy? Congrats. In 20 years? When is the blog equivalent to The Beatles? You can say you were there to read the Long Lost Forgotten Post, because it ain't coming back. TypePad ate it. Poof! Goodbye. And believe it or not, I didn't write that particular post in Word first, save and then cut and paste into TypePad. I know you're shocked, but as I recall...well, actually I don't recall anything about writing... Read more →

The FAQs of 'Kus

One post, two sites = Score one for my lazy ass! As I mentioned earlier, I've been working on a Frequently Asked Questions for the Haiku Smackdown site. In my head. Every morning. While I brush my teeth. No one has actually asked me all of these questions, but I'm answering them anyway, because... Well, just because. I already posted them over at, but because I love them so I'm putting them here too. So once you read them here you can go read them again at the other site! AND you can go to and see what... Read more →

Where the Eff I've Been

You know when you take a couple days off work and then come back and suddenly there's so much work to be done you kinda just want to curl up in a little ball under your desk and cry? Or is that only me? Anyway. I'm almost ready to start talking about the Heartbreaking Weekend of Unbearable Suckage, but not quite yet. Maybe later today. In the meantime, I have been up to some pretty damn funny stuff if you've missed me here the past day or so. All Amalaholics are encouraged to go check out: The Judith Light Brigade... Read more →

Amalah Makes Some Demands

To: The Universe, c/o Karma Payable Department From: Amalah Re: Services Rendered and Services Owed Description of Services: Complete and Utter Royal Screwjob Herewith, please find Amalah’s (hereafter known as “Injured Party") demands for payback from the Universe (hereafter known as “the Universe”). 1) The Universe shall not fuck with Injured Party for a minimum of six (6) months. 2) The Injured Party and her immediate friends and family shall be granted good health, clear skin, piles of money and funny blog topics about bad things that happen to OTHER PEOPLE. 2a) Injured Party shall be allowed to smoke without... Read more →

Of Bug Guts and Birthdays

I woke up this morning with a huge (yooge!) bee on my pillow. It made scary buzzing noises and I had to use a legal sized folder to coax it back outside. I don't kill bugs that big...not for any bug-loving-all-God's-creatures kind of crap...but because I can't kill anything that makes an audible crunching/squishing sound and leaves substantial bug guts behind. Eesh. Today has actually been all about the bug guts, interestingly enough. My poor car was covered in them after our long drive to and from Vermont so I took it to a car wash over lunch. So a... Read more →

Back, Bitches

Well. Yes. I'm back. I'm back from what can unequivocally be considered the Worst Vacation Ever. Evah. But more on that later. I cannot even bear to be all rehashing it yet. Plus I have about 178 emails to get through and desperately need a nap. If only there was some way to do both at the same damn time. In the meantime, here are just a few random thoughts in preparation for the full-blown Worst Vacation Ever Evah post: - The best way to kick off a vacation is to get a call from your mom as you arrive... Read more →