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March 2004
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May 2004

This Is Only Vaguely About My Foot

First of all, I'm addicted. I love Codeine a little too much. I feel all floaty. Second of all, I'm silly. I refused to bring my crutches to work today because I am a trooper. Which I am not really. Third of all, I'm stupid. I took my shoe off during lunch to prop my foot up and ice it. Now I can't get my shoe back on. Fourth of all, I'm loved. My office bubbe brought me sodas and brownies after she learned of my injury. Everybody in the world should have an office bubbe. Fifth of all, I'm... Read more →

Yes, Amy Is Still Going On About Her Foot

Did I mention that Jason had his camera phone with him in the ER? 12:45 a.m. "Where the fuck is that nurse with my ice chips and narcotics? And I'm about to shove a bedpan up that guy's ass if he doesn't stop moaning about it." 12:52 a.m. The victim. 26 years old, seven and a half inches in length. Was wearing sparkly red polish at the time of the attack. Don't be deceived by the pretty, unsullied white skin. She hurts from the inside. 1:13 a.m. This is your wife, not on drugs and not amused. Whee. Read more →


So. Last night was fun! Since I didn't think the foot thing was going to be a big deal, I kind of abbreviated the story yesterday. The point of the post was supposed to be my MacGyver-like (tm Lauren) approach to first aid, not the actual injury. But now, the rest of the story (tm Paul Harvey)... I actually injured my foot yesterday morning. I got in the car and didn't open the door quite far enough, and the door swung back just as I was pulling my left foot in. It hurt. A lot. But then it seemed to... Read more →

The Saddest Sight My Eyes Did See

As I got in my car to drive home tonight (on the dorky donut spare again, by the way, as my day took a sudden and unfortunate turn back into shitdom), I slammed my foot in the car door. Owie. By the time I got home, it was swollen, purple and full-on HOLY LIVING HELL THAT FUCKING HURTS. Could I find an ace bandage? A brace? Some measly medical tape? No. Did we have a soft ice pack? Or even any ice cubes? No. So I wrapped my foot in the last paper towel on the roll and stuck it... Read more →

Moving On

So today is not quite so shittacular as yesterday. (For anyone who's confused, I am NOT pregnant. The test did not let me down in THAT way. Amalah is trying to procreate but her ovaries are total bitches and we hateses them. It's not even about parenthood at this point, it's about winning. Beating my reproductive system at its own little warped game.) But anyway. I went home last night and opened a $3.99 bottle of Orvieto from Trader Joe's and popped in an Eminem CD and behaved very un-responsible-mother-to-be-like. Except for the part where I finally put about a... Read more →


I'm having a shit day. The shittiest shitty day, like ever. Not even the COACH LEATHER PORTFOLIO that I just got for FREE (FREEEEE) can cheer me up. Anyway. Am obviously not in a very posty mood right now. Hopefully tomorrow? Not so shittastic. I'm having lunch with Chris then, so it's gotta be better. So the last thing I'll say is that this? Is CRAP. Garbage. Take a memo in your Coach portfolio. It's shit. SHIIIIIIIT. Read more →

Good Gracious Friday

It's been quite a week. I have gotten dressed every morning from a huge pile of clothing that is sitting on the floor next to the ironing board. After making a resolution to eat healthier, I brought an orange, carrot sticks, dried fruit and yogurt to snack on every day. And every day, after I ate all this, I went into the kitchen and bought a candy bar from somebody's kid's fundraising box. Every day. And quite often a king size. I ate potentially tainted yogurt on Wednesday and have lived in fear ever since. I also got confused Wednesday... Read more →

Blogging Works...And I've Got Proof

A few reasons why blogging is perhaps the most effective tool in sorting out life's various little annoyances: 1) Pristine toilet-seat covers. Ever since. Somebody read my post and felt ashamed of being a dirty and gross paper-seat-over conservationist. As well she should. 2) Just about every coworker who reads this site was all, "Who is he? Who's This Guy?" And I outed him and he has been ostracized and shunned and cast away and other words like that from our cool inner circle. I also learned his name, which I won't tell you. Well, I'll tell you that his... Read more →

Conversations with the Cactus

IMing with Chris, in which we further discuss the wrongness of certain foods, the stupidness of Amy and also manage to insult Iceland. Amalah: ok, I just finished a yogurt. I just now picked up the foil cap and noticed it had been punctured, like with a knife or something. Am I going to die? RudeCactus: I sincerely doubt it Amalah: I'm very disturbed. RudeCactus: if you do, you can haunt me and tell me for the rest of my life that I was wrong...but I'm pretty confident you'll be ok Amalah: who tampers with yogurt? WHO? RudeCactus: people who... Read more →