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March 2004
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May 2004

This Is Only Vaguely About My Foot

First of all, I'm addicted. I love Codeine a little too much. I feel all floaty. Second of all, I'm silly. I refused to bring my crutches to work today because I am a trooper. Which I am not really. Third of all, I'm stupid. I took my shoe off during lunch to prop my foot up and ice it. Now I can't get my shoe back on. Fourth of all, I'm loved. My office bubbe brought me sodas and brownies after she learned of my injury. Everybody in the world should have an office bubbe. Fifth of all, I'm busy. I have a bazillion meetings this afternoon and I'm attending them all barefoot. Sorry, coworkers. Sixth of all, I'm confused. I don't know what's up with the numbering thing I'm doing. Seventh of all, I'm leaving for Vermont tonight. Surprise! Don't think I'll be skiing though. Maybe I'll have another packing diary for you. Codeine-fueled this time, which means I will probably take a lot of tie-dyed stuff or things that feel soft. Eighth of all, has gone totally portalicious! Journals and blogs hand-picked by Judith Light and her fearless Brigade will be featured there daily whenever updatey... Read more →

Yes, Amy Is Still Going On About Her Foot

Did I mention that Jason had his camera phone with him in the ER? 12:45 a.m. "Where the fuck is that nurse with my ice chips and narcotics? And I'm about to shove a bedpan up that guy's ass if he doesn't stop moaning about it." 12:52 a.m. The victim. 26 years old, seven and a half inches in length. Was wearing sparkly red polish at the time of the attack. Don't be deceived by the pretty, unsullied white skin. She hurts from the inside. 1:13 a.m. This is your wife, not on drugs and not amused. Whee. Read more →


So. Last night was fun! Since I didn't think the foot thing was going to be a big deal, I kind of abbreviated the story yesterday. The point of the post was supposed to be my MacGyver-like (tm Lauren) approach to first aid, not the actual injury. But now, the rest of the story (tm Paul Harvey)... I actually injured my foot yesterday morning. I got in the car and didn't open the door quite far enough, and the door swung back just as I was pulling my left foot in. It hurt. A lot. But then it seemed to feel okay. And since I was determined to make yesterday Not Suck Like Monday Sucked, I ignored it. I drove to work and used the clutch with my left foot just fine. High heels too, because I'm a trooper who does not like frumpy shoes. (Further proof of my troopdom: Chris noticed I was limping at lunch. I didn't even realize I was limping, so this is pretty funny to me. It also proves that I am not always the huge baby about pain I became later in the evening.) Anyway. NTB, the No-Tire-having Bastards (tm Chris) called me in... Read more →

The Saddest Sight My Eyes Did See

As I got in my car to drive home tonight (on the dorky donut spare again, by the way, as my day took a sudden and unfortunate turn back into shitdom), I slammed my foot in the car door. Owie. By the time I got home, it was swollen, purple and full-on HOLY LIVING HELL THAT FUCKING HURTS. Could I find an ace bandage? A brace? Some measly medical tape? No. Did we have a soft ice pack? Or even any ice cubes? No. So I wrapped my foot in the last paper towel on the roll and stuck it in a plastic wine chiller sleeve. No, seriously. Update: Jason made ice. And vodka cocktails. And determined that it is probably a bruised tendon. Jebus god. The pain. Update Update: Nope. Probably a fracture. Freak show foot: Put ice on it, watch it get WORSE! Yay! X-rays on the agenda tomorrow methinks. HOLY MOTHER OF GOD THE PAIN. THE PAIN! Update Update Update: 12:10 AM. GOING TO THE HOSPITAL NOW BITCHES. HOLY FUCK. VICODIN! PLEASE! Read more →

Moving On

So today is not quite so shittacular as yesterday. (For anyone who's confused, I am NOT pregnant. The test did not let me down in THAT way. Amalah is trying to procreate but her ovaries are total bitches and we hateses them. It's not even about parenthood at this point, it's about winning. Beating my reproductive system at its own little warped game.) But anyway. I went home last night and opened a $3.99 bottle of Orvieto from Trader Joe's and popped in an Eminem CD and behaved very un-responsible-mother-to-be-like. Except for the part where I finally put about a mountain of laundry away and ironed my suits. But I did it drunk and singing along to some Very Bad Words. In other news, "pussy" has become my new all-time favorite word. Also, last night I dreamt that I was playing Billy Crystal's love interest in some When Harry Met Sally / My Giant hybrid-type movie. Which you just cannot make up. I also worked at a Barnes & Noble in the movie. Or maybe in real life. It wasn't a very linear dream. But I always dream that I work at a Barnes & Noble. Do I secretly want... Read more →


I'm having a shit day. The shittiest shitty day, like ever. Not even the COACH LEATHER PORTFOLIO that I just got for FREE (FREEEEE) can cheer me up. Anyway. Am obviously not in a very posty mood right now. Hopefully tomorrow? Not so shittastic. I'm having lunch with Chris then, so it's gotta be better. So the last thing I'll say is that this? Is CRAP. Garbage. Take a memo in your Coach portfolio. It's shit. SHIIIIIIIT. Read more →

Happy Easter

Good Gracious Friday

It's been quite a week. I have gotten dressed every morning from a huge pile of clothing that is sitting on the floor next to the ironing board. After making a resolution to eat healthier, I brought an orange, carrot sticks, dried fruit and yogurt to snack on every day. And every day, after I ate all this, I went into the kitchen and bought a candy bar from somebody's kid's fundraising box. Every day. And quite often a king size. I ate potentially tainted yogurt on Wednesday and have lived in fear ever since. I also got confused Wednesday night and thought that I'd TiVo'd the American Idol results show instead of a new Apprentice. Am so totally over AI; am so totally going to marry Apprentice. Panicked for a good 20 minutes and called my precious TiVo a bad name. I blame the yogurt. Every post I wrote this week sucked. No, don't bother arguing, they sucked. They were neither interesting nor well-written. The one about This Guy? Full of weird wordy descriptions of peoples' movements in elevators and whatnot that did not mask the fact that the story just wasn't that good, much like this sentence. I... Read more →

Blogging Works...And I've Got Proof

A few reasons why blogging is perhaps the most effective tool in sorting out life's various little annoyances: 1) Pristine toilet-seat covers. Ever since. Somebody read my post and felt ashamed of being a dirty and gross paper-seat-over conservationist. As well she should. 2) Just about every coworker who reads this site was all, "Who is he? Who's This Guy?" And I outed him and he has been ostracized and shunned and cast away and other words like that from our cool inner circle. I also learned his name, which I won't tell you. Well, I'll tell you that his first name begins with a P and ends in an L. There may also be an A and a U in there too. 3) The Department of Education sent me a letter explaining deferments and why they are good and not bad and why they love me and totally do not think I am stupid. Take that, NotThatJason! 4) I went to Sephora to buy a birthday gift for a friend and had it gift-wrapped. As I waited, I told the ready-made anecdote about me and the Sephora Christmas ribbon. I stole it, word for word, from the site and... Read more →

Conversations with the Cactus

IMing with Chris, in which we further discuss the wrongness of certain foods, the stupidness of Amy and also manage to insult Iceland. Amalah: ok, I just finished a yogurt. I just now picked up the foil cap and noticed it had been punctured, like with a knife or something. Am I going to die? RudeCactus: I sincerely doubt it Amalah: I'm very disturbed. RudeCactus: if you do, you can haunt me and tell me for the rest of my life that I was wrong...but I'm pretty confident you'll be ok Amalah: who tampers with yogurt? WHO? RudeCactus: people who hate their food to be an oxymoron Amalah: Maybe they were trying to prove a point about deliberately eating fruit flavored bacteria cultures RudeCactus: see, you put it like that and I have no idea why I eat yogurt Amalah: That's my point! Food is weird. RudeCactus: blue cheese...why eat food that has obviously gone bad? RudeCactus: and aged beef? how is that a good idea? Amalah: Like right now? I'm drinking a bottle of water that is Natural Icelandic Spring Water. How do I know that Iceland water is good and pure and good? Just because its foreign... Read more →