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March 2004
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May 2004

My Adventures With This Guy

So there's This Guy. At work. I don't know his name. I have only a vague idea of what he does and who he works for, but yet This Guy? Totally has it in for me. Last week, I was walking from the parking garage to the office. I was about 10 steps behind This Guy. He didn't pause to hold the door for me, but whatever. As I came through the door, he was at the elevators and looked over at me. I smiled at him and sped up a bit. He got on the elevator. I sped up even more, only to have the doors close right in my face. Now see, we're on the top floor of our building and these elevators are slooooow. We always hold the elevator for other top-floor people. I'll feign obliviousness for anyone I don't know, because nothing pisses me off more than those second-floor people who take the elevator when it's ONE FREAKING FLIGHT OF STAIRS. Plus? Elevators. Sloooooooow. So this was...odd. I'm sure This Guy knows we work for the same company; we pass each other all the time in the hallways. Plus I was wearing a suit and we're... Read more →

Stuff I Think About

I am vaguely unnerved by the seedless orange I am eating right now. It's certainly convenient, but there's something about seedless fruit that screams FREAK OF NATURE MAD FRUIT SCIENTIST MWA HA HA. (Of course, I've met more than my fair share of sinister fruit in my time.) Also, decaffeinated coffee? What's the deal? How do they do that? And non-dairy creamer. And especially the non-powder non-dairy creamer. The little flavored liquid Mini-Moos that look like milk, taste like milk but ARE NOT MILK. And can sit out on the counter for weeks without refrigeration. That's not right. Food should not be an oxymoron. And that's my freak-show genetically-modified breakfast today. I brought yogurt and baby carrots for lunch. But don't even get me started on yogurt and baby carrots. Read more →

'Bye Kurdt

I was 16, but I didn't have my license yet. I was riding in the backseat of my parents' Ford Taurus. I forget where we had been or what we were talking about, but just before we got home the conversation turned in the direction of Evil Rock Music. I'm sure I wasn't listening. But I remember hitting that *dip* at the end of our driveway at the precise moment my mom said, "And just today, that singer of that group went and killed himself." I was listening now. "Who? Which singer?" My parents didn't know, and were probably a bit disturbed at the way I made a beeline for the TV inside and started flipping through the channels. My mom brought it up as a cautionary tale—one of the many reasons I was not allowed to listen to "secular" music. Singers went and killed themselves all the time and sometimes took their unsuspecting teenage fans with them. I still find it odd that I couldn't find anything about his death on TV that night. I still didn't know it was him. There were so many grunge rockers teetering on the edge of self destruction back then: Scott Weiland, Shannon... Read more →

Coffee, Tea or Me?

Due to a recent purchase at Pottery Barn, all Amalaholics are hereby invited over to my place for coffee. Cutest. Thing. Evah. I can offer you CREAM. I can offer you SUGAR (complete with its own leetle tiny sugar spoon). I can offer you SPRINKLE (which is really Ghirardelli hot chocolate mix, which is really yummy): And for all you tea drinkers, I can offer you HONEY (complete with some adorable little wooden honey dispenser thing). And of course, I can offer you plenty of REAL coffee accessories. I will also wear my finest Juicy Couture track pants and Michael Kors tube top while serving coffee, like any good hostess would. Mmmm Godiva... Mmmm Grand Marnier... And oh yeah. Coffee. That. Read more →

Random Thoughts From Florida That I Remembered Just Now

1. What in the name of all that is holy and good would make a woman think that a pastel paisley-print, plastic snakeskin purse would ever be a good idea? Seriously. This was the ugliest purse I had ever seen in my life. I couldn't stop staring at it. She probably thought I liked it, which is a shame. Perhaps that's why she bought it. She heard women in the store gasping and screaming at The Horror Of The Ugliness and misunderstood. Seriously. 2. When traveling, one should always bring an extra pair of underwear because there is no better feeling than getting to your hotel and putting a fresh pair on. 3. I love grits. Why have I not been eating them before? I've been living in the quasi-South for four years and never tried them. Damn Yankee snobbery. The next time? Someone says to me, "Kiss my grits," I'm totally going to say, "Don't taunt me." Although I don't recall someone ever saying that to me, but you never know. Love. Grits. I wish I was eating some right now. 4. Anyone who does their Spring Break in Pensacola? Totally has a mom who watched some exposé on... Read more →

PUI: Packing Under the Influence

I'm back from Florida. Finally. But more on that later. First, let me give you the results of my packing efforts, chronicled slightly obsessively here. It should come as no surprise that I made a few critical errors. Such as the seven different shirts I brought vs. the one pair of pants. The three skirts vs. the fact that I would never need to wear a skirt, ever. The white capris that sit really, really low vs. the seven shirts that did not cover my belly. The high heels vs. no stockings or little footie things. The two white shirts vs. two black bras. And I was in constant battle with the weather. Wool slacks and blazer when it was 80 degrees, capris and tank top when it plummeted down to 50 at night. This culminated in an unfortunate incident when our host decided to show us the Pensacola beach yesterday so I was wandering around the beach with Spring Breakers in the same wool pants as the day before and a dorky sweater set. I have never felt like such a tool in my life. But whatever. It was a short trip and I was comforted by the fact... Read more →

Haiku Smackdown V: Smack & Smackier

Haiku Smackdown Five! How much more 'ku can you do? Are you bored to tears? Does the thought of one more five-seven-five fill you with dread? Have no fear! I've changed the rules, yo. Be sure to read them before you 'ku. Check it, dawg. Pop culture is the game this week. Keep it funny, real snarky, real cool. And the 'ku-er with the maddest mad skillz we'll crown Grand Haiku Master. (Lord. New rules? So soon? Cousin Oliver is here. The Shark, it is jumped.) Read more →