Advice @ Amalah.com
The Many Loves of Amalah, Part One

Pride Comes Before a Something Something...

Last night, as Jason and I were walking back from the gym, I mentioned that it was time for another redesign for Amalah.com. I’m worried that between the whole “Queen of Everything” theme and my somewhat (okay, very) cocky writing I’m putting some people off.

To which Jason promptly replied, “Well, yeah. I’m sure you are. I mean, I know it’s your schtick, but you do come across as pretty elitist.”

Of course I pitched a fit in response to this allegation but also secretly knew he was right. And I don’t want to put anybody off. I love every person who reads this site and I read about a bazillion sites a day that are much, much better than this one. And to prove that it is just a “schtick,” I’m going to drop it for this post (and this post only, bitches) and thoroughly embarrass myself for your amusement.

Here, in no particular order, are some of my Deep Dark Secrets of Mortification, Betrayal and Stupidness:

(Please be gentle.)

1) In the first paragraph? I lied. We DID go to the gym, but were actually walking back from the burrito place where I totally pigged out when we had this conversation.

2) And at the gym there was this big meathead muscled mustached guy who looked a lot like Tom Selleck, and I was confronted with the fact that I still think Tom Selleck is hot. I used to kiss my big sister's poster of him and make her declare us husband and wife.

3) I have broken up with exactly two boyfriends. I have been dumped by at least eight boyfriends, not including the one boyfriend I dumped and then got back together with, only to be promptly dumped.

4) One guy in high school asked me “out” over the phone at 9:30 p.m. on Tuesday night. We made out during lunch and then he “broke up” with me at 3 p.m. on Wednesday in front of the school bus. Mortifying.

5) This same guy, as I learned years later, was Jason’s best friend all through high school. He was the best man at my wedding. Also mortifying.

6) I was a huge dork in high school. Yooge. Colossal. I played the timpani in the band and wore braces and took drama way too seriously.

7) I once was dropped from the lead in a school play and replaced by the director two weeks before the performance. I cried and cried and cried and my mom called the director and made him give me my part back. I still had to alternate performances with my replacement.

8) My very first boyfriend went to a different high school. We dated for like, MONTHS and he was my first kiss. Then he transferred to my school. No one could believe a dork like me got a guy like him until he dumped me a week after classes started. By my locker. He then started dating some girl who rode on the same school bus as me and told the whole cross country team that I put out. I spent most of 9th grade locked in the bathroom to escape the mortification.

9) This same guy? ALSO one of Jason’s friends. Christ. Luckily, not past 10th grade.

10) I’m terrified of volcanoes. TERR. IFIED. It started with Reading Rainbow on PBS and they read this one book about a farmer in Mexico who noticed a bump in his field. And the bump got bigger and bigger and started to rumble and then it exploded and wiped out the whole damn village. And after reading this book? LeVar Burton WENT TO A VOLCANO that was ACTIVE and RUMBLING and stood around with these batshit crazy volcano “experts” and talked about how soon it would erupt. (Soon! And yet they STOOD NEXT TO THE OPENING. THERE WAS VISIBLE LAVA!) It did not help that I had a little crush on LeVar Burton. After watching this I would spend hours in my backyard looking for bumps. For YEARS.

And I had a panic attack during that movie about the volcano in L.A. and had to walk out. And the “volcano” show outside the Mirage in Vegas scared the crap out of me too. I hid behind my friend the whole time. And I will never, ever go to Hawaii because I KNOW that some dormant volcano will suddenly erupt while I’m there and I will be killed. Do not even try to reason with me about this. (I did some searching, and THIS is the guilty episode that started it all.)

11) I once submitted an essay to Salon.com and got rejected. I cried. And never read Salon again, those bastards.

12) I got a job as a reporter at Penn State’s Daily Collegian newspaper. It was a journalism student’s dream come true. I quit three weeks later. I tell people I quit because I hated the newsroom environment and disliked writing hard news. I really quit because I was too timid to call any of my sources on the telephone.

13) I was the Janet Cooke/Jayson Blair/Stephen Glass of several journalism classes. I sometimes made up sources and quotes and attributed them to my friends who would cover for me if the professor called them.

14) I have bought answer keys for tests and written papers from Cliff Notes.

15) I still think Spam and Kraft Macaroni and Cheese are delicious.

Comments

andie

not that i don't seem to embarrass myself on a daily basis.. but..let's see..
my first *boyfriend* was a joke devised by my entire 6th grade lass. it lasted a week. thank God i got to transfer a year later.
oh and there was that whole eating the top of the wedding cake incident which was pointed out by the guy that i had gone out with once and was attempting.. what was i attempting to do exactly.. make him see what he was missing..
you know i think i may have blocked out the rest.. at least temporarily.. blocking them out is a good thing i think..

lizardek

I found your site not so long ago, and have been reading it every day. Don't change a damned thing.

andie

oh wait.. there was also having exboyfriend flirt with every other female present while i was completely ignored..including blatantly hitting on you in front of jason and HE dumped me to move to LA to become a big movie star..which he did not thankfully.
and there was the other one who was screwing the 16year old hostess in the same restaurant i worked in
and the one that invited me to a gathering and ending up spending the entire time hitting on another girl. i left.. um.. yeah after 3 hours of this and he i'm sure ended up in her room after i left.

Beth

My first official boyfriend cheated. I dumped him, but not before the not trusting men thing started...

Fraulein N

Aw, don't change a thing. It works. And what that director did to you? That was just all kinds of vile.

Lava Gurrrl

My GOD. You are a FREAK.

Buzz

Wow! What great info! Fun and frightening all at the same time.

Two things:

1) You don't need to change a damn thing.
and
2) Spam and Kraft Macaroni and Cheese actually are delicious.

Kerry

You know, I really believe there are times when people just shouldn't agree with you. Like when I said my boyfriend seems to think I'm more attractive than I actually am, and was then told that upon meeting me another girl totally agreed with my assessment. Her exact words..."I mean, she's cute, but she's not all that amazing." How exactly is one supposed to take that?

I wouldn't change a thing. If you want to be the Queen of everything, more power to you. I'd start knighting people if I were you.

Zoot

Don't change the Queen of Everythign schtick. I like it - it doesnt offend me at all - it makes me jealous that I didnt think of it. Now personally? I get bored with my design every 5 seconds, so THAT I understand? But no one professes their love for you like your readers do - you've got to be doing something right!

Chris

Really, I was with you up until the Spam thing. Then that particular derailed in stunning fashion. You know I think you're the bestest. Dont change a thing.

Oliquig

Hee,I had Kraft Mac & Cheese for dinner tonight. Not only that, but it was in the shape of Scooby-Doo things!

New Jan Brady

I love you so much? That I'm willing to post a comment to tell you how much I love you? Below the mention of Scooby-Doo MACARONI, which is the scariest thing I have ever heard of! It's up there with stigmata, baby.

Mindy, your one true ever'lastin' luv

Do. not. change. I sooooooooo wanna be knighted!!!

Lee

You either like typing "mortified" or you get mortified easily. Either way, I'm going to start refering to you as "Morty". I think you should keep your site the same, but add more on your passion for Mac-n-cheese. Definitely more mac-n-cheese.

Coleen

I am so booooooooooooooooooooooooooooored today.

Stacy

My high school boyfriend? Who freaked out if he so much as accidently grazed my entire torso area? Moved to France this year. With his boyfriend. Much happier now and emailed me to explain that our relationship was not my fault. He was really just gay the entire time! Gee, thanks for the memo.

Nicole

This was a great post and just so you know...I don't find you at all elitist. You are more right on my level ;). Now...do you like spam and mac n cheese together?

Tjej

HOLY SHIT!

The volcano thing! THAT SAME BOOK SCARED TEH BEGEEZUS OUTTA ME!!!! I remember reading it in my bed one night and spent the whole night running to the kitchen window to make sure a volcano wasn't growing in my back yard.

Reading Rainbow thing was a aprt of that too...

But in the end, I became more fascinated with volcanoes than afraid.

Freaky shite though

Amber

I found you a week ago, and I can only think of you as the Queen! Besides, it is just too cool that 'Queen of Everything' has five beats and so does 'suppository' - nifty indeed!

Guess Who?

Nothing tops being dumped by a boy because you won't suck his weiner, even when he says he'll put sugar on it to make it taste better...craaazy tasty!

Zandria

You know, if anyone were to be offended by the things you say...they just don't know the meaning of the word "sarcasm." You may try to pass yourself off as the "Queen of the World," but underneath it all I can tell you're the down-to-earth woman behind this post. I find something to laugh at every time I visit. :)

type a

yeah, i used to TEACH high school and taught from the cliff notes. HEY, you try keeping up with 8th, 10th and 12th - both honors and regular. i figured they were studying the cliffs anyway -we'd be on the same page (no pun intended).

also? i live on easy mac.

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