Pride Comes Before a Something Something...
The Many Loves of Amalah, Part Two

The Many Loves of Amalah, Part One

After reading all your lovely comments about dickweed ex-boyfriends and Lauren’s charming little story of young love gone haywire, it's obvious I have many, many more days’ worth of entries about my History Of Lurve With The Boys to share with y'all.

So today? Lurve, first-grade style. Heartbreak, Betrayal and Cabbage Patch Kid Lunchboxes.

Flashback (Wayne's World style) to the first day of first grade. I am riding the big school bus. I am gazing lovingly at my yellow Cabbage Patch Kids lunchbox. Oh, how I love it so. I also love my new socks with the pink lace around the ankles. I love my new pack of colored pencils. I love myself.

Suddenly? There’s this BOY sitting next to me. He just got on the bus and then boom. Sitting next to me in all his boydom.

Hi, he says. I’m Matthew. He sticks out his hand. I do not take it. He’s kind of big. Stocky. A bruiser. I am tiny and wee and probably would have snapped in two had this kid sat on me.

Undeterred, he asks me my name. I tell him. And with that, he fell in love.

He was in the first grade too. In my class. Somehow? We were considered boyfriend and girlfriend by our very first recess. He wrote me notes and proudly left MATTHEW LOVES AMY doodles out in plain sight.

I generally ignored him. I had been pretty popular with the boys in nursery school and just took it for granted that boys “liked” me in “that way” or whatever. They were useful when you wanted to play house and needed a Daddy. Also: cooties and mud and such.

(I was also technically in a pretty serious long-term relationship with David, my next-door neighbor, who also loved me. His brother would don a black shirt with a folded tissue tucked in the collar and marry us. Then David and I would rush to see who could declare divorce first. Then we’d get married again. It was adorable.)

But then I met Jason. (No, not the current Jason. The first in a long series of other Jasons, Johns, James and Joshes that I would date. Seriously. Had a thing with the J names. But we’ll discuss them in future entries.)

This Jason was beautiful. Oh my gawd. He had curly blond hair and blue eyes and dimples. He was a child model for fuck’s sake and had the J.C. Penney back-to-school circular to prove it. All the girls loved him.

I would sometimes chase him around the playground and try to kiss him. One time I caught him and kissed his ear. He had very nice, clean ears.

I have no idea what Matthew thought about all this. I don’t think there was any kind of scandal or Earlobegate or anything. Matthew still asked to sit with me on the bus every day. Most days I let him and we argued over things, like whose house we'd live in after we got married. Other days I was off with my friend Allison Last-Name-Withheld-Because-She-Was-And-May-Still-Be-Evil building forts out of our books and bags in the back row seats.

He bought me a heart-shaped box of candy for Valentine’s Day. We held hands sometimes too.

But. Then. I got on the bus one afternoon and Matt and Allison were in the back row. I walked back to sit with them and they both stuck their legs out across the seats and told me I couldn’t sit there. I started to sit a row ahead of them. Allison said those seats were saved. I moved up a row. Matt said those were saved.

(Now, I was a smart kid but I was not a smart kid. Rather than tell them to go eat boogers or whatever my version of “fuck off” was at that age, I let the humiliation continue. I kept walking back towards the front of the bus trying to sit down. And every time one of them yelled, “That’s saved!” I got up and moved again. Dumbass. And crybaby.)

It went on like this for days. Matthew sat with Allison and I was not allowed anywhere near them. Matthew told me he didn’t like me anymore. I cried. Oh, how I cried. I cried so hard on the bus one day that a fourth grader noticed and said disapprovingly to Matthew, “You must have broken Amy’s heart.” He just shrugged in response and I cried harder.

I moped about it off the bus too. One day at recess Jason the Gorgeous Golden Child came running up to me. “Doncha wanna chase me today, Amy?” he asked, already crouched in position to bolt the minute I said yes.

But instead, I shook my head no and wandered off to sulk on a swing. Jason just stood there, dumbfounded.

Sigh. Oh, Allison Last-Name-Withheld-Because-She-Was-And-May-Still-Be-Evil. You were my very first archenemy.

And Matthew Smith. You were my very first love.



Wow. And you still remember it in vivid detail.


And now poor Matthew Smith's around the world will be getting disapproving glares, from your readers, for breaking your first grade heart. And maybe they'll also hear a few whispered "for shame"'s to boot. However, I think I'll refrain from this as the Matthew Smith's I'd run into would probably beat me down or some such...


I bet today he spells his name M@. The weirdo.

Suzanna Danna

Freakin Matthew and the evil child temptress Allison... they of the bus seat monopoly...

Bastards, I say.


I dated an Alison who was, in fact, quite evil. Hmmm...


Oh, the cruel cruel cruelty of children. And oh, the agonizing detail of this memory. What a GREAT story.

Mindy, your one true ever'lastin' luv

My six-year crush was Mike Reischl. I finally got to kiss him at the graduation picnic in 8th grade, and it was HORRIBLE. He kissed like a squid. A poached squid. A poached squid that might better serve as a whale tampon. Cured me right the fuck up.


That was a great little story. Reading that really put a smile on my face. Thank you

your personal handmaiden now and forever

My older sibs would charge the neighborhood kids 5 cents to come into my parents room and see me and David Marani (boy across the street and my best friend until first grade) kiss. God knows how I didn't grow up into belle de jour with that kind of guidance and initation.

But, god did your post make me laugh out loud.


i'm new here. like your site.


*sniff* *sniff*
That was soooo sad! Kids can be so cruel.


you want me to hunt them down and beat them up? you know i would! :):)
my guess is that he moved to LA and is now involved with pornos.. and she pissed off the wrong woman when she got involved in some sort of john bobbit affair and is now doing time.


Why did I not read this on Friday? I swear I've looked at your site 20 times since Thursday and havent noticed a new post. I'm so losing it.

This story? Adorable. Can't wait for future installments...

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