Haiku Smackdown VIII: 'Kuing On Da Bayou
The Not-Calm Before the Storm

About Last Night

Right. So if you haven't read my mini-meltdown from earlier, go read it. Now here it is again...in minute by minute super slow motion action. Whee.

6:00 p.m.  Father-in-law calls. Will be in town tonight and wants to take us out for dinner. Hell yes! Leave work, with dry-cleaning that has been hanging on coat hook in office for a week, feeling immensely pleased with self.

6:33  Home. Messy, messy home. Toss dry-cleaning in heap on closet floor, shove all clutter into drawers, closets, etc. Feed poor starving (starving!) yowling cat and change into cute going-out-for-dinner outfit.

6:45  Boot up laptop.

6:55  God this laptop sucks ass.

7:03  Log onto online classroom to check for final exam review shit.

7:04  WHAT. THE. FUCK.


7:10  Call Jason in hysterics.

7:11  Jason: “What the FUCK?”

7:13 Sobbing gasping heaving panic attack.

7:13.57999 Flashbacks to every anxiety dream I’ve had about papers I didn’t know about, tests I didn’t study for and classes that I SWORE I DROPPED and what do you MEAN I’m still registered for and have to take a final in and I haven’t been to a single class and why in the world is the class being held in a building that I have to take a train to get to? Oh my god, where is the train station? Run!

7:15 The reality sets in. I have to write an entire bullshit paper TONIGHT and then cram my little ass off tomorrow and Friday. 

7:16 Blog about it.

7:20 Send testy email to COMM 400 professor asking where in sam hill our final exam review stuff is, as (ahem) the final is in TWO FUCKING DAYS.

7:22 Compose death threats to SPCH 426 professor who decides to assign PAPERS the same week as finals. Do not send.

7:25 Spring into mad action. Dig out textbooks from under bed. Print off class notes and assignment description. Google to find some resources to…collaboratively…share…or something.

7:30 Father-in-law arrives. He and Jason head out for dinner at my most favoritest pizza place ever. Warn Jason that he will not be allowed back in the house unless he comes bearing pizza.

7:31 Put bottle of white wine in freezer. Take pint of Ben & Jerry’s out.

7:35 Type name, class section and paper title.

7:40 Eat last of the Doritos Rollitos.

7:41 – 7:59 The lost minutes. No idea what happened here.

8:00 Start writing paper furiously. No time for thinking! Just typing! Big words! Vague meanings!

8:15 Well. That was productive. Time to get the wine out.

8:16 – 8:22 The Battle of the Stubborn Cheap Cork. More almost-tears and almost-need-for-stitches.

8:25 Thesis of paper looks something like this: Cross-cultural conflicts are the result of blah blah self-perceptions colliding with reality and racism prejudice overcoming talkyspeak.

8:35 I like Martha. She’s funny and knows how to bullshit and write papers drunk. Emailing with her almost seems like a total non-waste of precious minutes. It's actually productive!

8:47 Bump font up to Arial 12 pt double spaced. Voila! Three whole pages already.

9:00 Blah blah blah I haven’t a friggin’ clue what shit I’m writing about. But it sounds damn fine.

9:10 Where the fuck is my pizza?

9:18 Four pages. I’m using a hell of a lot of full names and not a lot of pronouns, interestingly enough.

9:30 Pizza! Gimme gimme gimme.

9:31 Now everybody go away so I can finish this shit up.

10:00 Wine is so good. What the hell was I all freaked out about?

10:02 Oh. Right.

10:05 Never going to finish this paper. Never going to have time to study for finals and now 40% of my grade in a class I was SO SURE I was acing hangs in the balance. Hate. Hate.

10:15 I’m not going to have time to haiku tomorrow. Oh my god. The shitival never ends.

10:30 Did I mention how much I like Martha?

10:45 Very hyper and animated all of a sudden. Am saying very funny things to Jason about something that happened earlier today with some asshole who said something assholey to me and I’ve already forgotten what is was. But it was funny!

10:52 Five pages! Huzzah! Anything after this is a bonus. Bonus of crap filler, anyway.

10:56 Time to do the reference & citations page with all the sources that I did not use and did not cite but whatever. Will go through it tomorrow and plug some random footnotes in.

10:57 Martha double dog dares me to use “talkyspeak” in my paper. Find myself actually staring at paper, looking for a place to put it. Decide that maybe it is time to go to bed.

11:03 HOLY LIVING FUCK. The computer just froze up. Did I save? At ALL?

11:04 “Begin physical memory dump.” Oh my god. That doesn’t sound good.

11:07 Please reboot please reboot please reboot

11:10 Please AutoRecover please AutoRecover please please please

11:15 Oh right. I did save it. And emailed it to myself at three different addresses. Definitely time for bed.

11:20 Heh. A timeline blog entry would be hilarious right about now.

12:01 a.m. Good fucking night.



You make me laugh.


You poor thing. Autorecover is fucking evil. Sometimes it works, like when you're spell checking a totally un-important email or soemthing. And sometimes it doesn't (for no damned reason!), like when you've just typed a 10 page term paper. HATE.

Suzanna Danna

I am SO completely glad that I am not in school anymore. I do not envy you in the least... but I DO wish you lots of luck during the next few days. Good luck on your tests, deadlines and your papers!

Reward yourself when it is over!


Screw TV, can I come to your house and just WATCH you all day?


That's pretty much how I wrote all of my papers in college. Except I still did it the night before even when I knew weeks or months in advance... they always come out best that way. Those papers are nothing but bullshit anyway. Just gotta know how to bullshit well. I'm proud to say my highschool prepared me well for that.

Damn I'm happy I'm not in school anymore. GOOD LUCK!!!

New Jan Brady

Hang in there, Amy. If it makes you feel better, I'm in the same boat, but for me it's a way too heavy workload.


LMAO!!! This was so fun to read! I hope everything turns out okay - sounds like you are just fine! This brings back SO MANY college memories...lol!!! I can so relate. :-)


Just a note...working on my masters and discovered that if you use Courier New instead of Arial...yeah...totally doubles the length of your paper. :) Or maybe not doubles, but drastic lengthening occurs.


Now you've got me having the same damn flashbacks. I am so freaking glad I haven't decided to go back to school. I'd need barrelsful of valium and drastic shock therapy afterwards.


The advice on Courier is wise, if you're writing to MLA standards, since I believe MLA manuscripts still have to have that "typewritten" look. However, my MLA info is a bit old (circa 1997). I'm an APA girl (Education) these days, and I like Bookman Old Style because it's all of the glitz of a proportionally spaced font with all of the space-eating of something like Courier. Fun for the whole family!

I turned in my final paper for my graduate class this Tuesday. No classes this summer, thank goodness. All the better for JournalCon planning, my pretties!

Another Pam

OH my god my life is so boring.
My hat (if I had one on) is off to you.

p.s. what is Doritos Rollitos?

bond girl

hee! Love the timeline format, love it.

bond girl

hee! Love the timeline format, love it.


Unlike Tjej, I have never been one of those people who can write a good paper under pressure. I mean, I'm sure it CAN be done, but would I want to? (Shakes, nervousness...will I be able to get it done in time? Will it be coherent? Egads...)

Best of luck to you, my dear. :)

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