Oh My God, Holy Shit, & I Am So Screwed
About Last Night

Haiku Smackdown VIII: 'Kuing On Da Bayou

Haiku for White Trash!
And for each 'ku we write, an
Olsen Twin gets fed.

There's a bit of a theme this week, except for the very last picture, which I simply had to include because it's the scariest thing I've ever seen (and thank you very much Buzz). Yes, even scarier than the lady with the cup in her cleavage. Yes, scarier than back-hair man. Yes, I find the Olsen twins THAT FUCKING SCARY.

cup_holder

new_door_lock

Camper

at_the_races

mah_winder_done_busted

yeeew

(IT'S THE END OF THE WORLD AS WE KNOW IT: Click here for a bonus picture and sign of the coming apocalypse.)

Comments

jilbur

If you like the '3,'
you should see my landing strip!
Love my wax lady.

jilbur

I was born this way.
The midwife screamed; my mother
drank the cold brewski.

Mindy, your one true ever'lastin' luv

The Barbie twins got
nothin' on us. We are still
young and oh so hot.

Mindy, your one true ever'lastin' luv

I know we're getting
a star on the boulevard;
but I must touch you.

jilbur

Calista Flockhart,
Paris Hilton--in your face!
We're nouveau scrawny.

Mindy, your one true ever'lastin' luv

Do you remember
when the cup wouldn't stay? We
were oh so hot then.

Mindy, your one true ever'lastin' luv

Do you think that the
tattoo was the beginning
of the end for us?

jilbur

Botox at eighteen?
Why not? While you're at it, yo,
liposuct my brain.

jilbur

Don't try to steal lock.
This heavy car should deter
Padlock thieves galore.

jilbur

Don't you see my crown?
I'm the Burger Queen, dumb-ass.
Hands off the beer, yo.

Mindy, your one true ever'lastin' luv

I think my idea
of wearing shorts over my
bathing suit is brill!

jilbur

oh please forgive me.
Use of 'galore' in a 'ku--
capital offense.

Mindy, your one true ever'lastin' luv

This way, no one will
ever guess that I am not
still a slim size six.

Mindy, your one true ever'lastin' luv

Was up in the night
IMing with Cyn, when it
hit me: it's Thursday!!!

Erm, Cyn, honey doll?
Must answer the call of the
'ku. I still love you.

It's ok honey
you got to Ku what you got
to KU. (Thank you Cyn!)

Mindy, your one true ever'lastin' luv

Omg, Jilbur.
If I'd been drinking something,
my screen would be wet.

Mindy, your one true ever'lastin' luv

STEAL THIS LOCK! Wasn't
that some kind of bestseller?
Who knows? I'm a hick.

Mindy, your one true ever'lastin' luv

The Olsen twins on
a break at home sans makeup.
It's nice to relax.

Those girdles give them
wedgies, and the Manolos!
Don't get me started.

jilbur

Mindy needs some sleep,
but 'ku is a demanding
dom, and she's a slave.

jilbur

Yep, they gave me both!
Off to a nearby motel
now that they're eighteen.

Mindy, your one true ever'lastin' luv

I actually
did spray the screen that time. *wipes
screen with jammie sleeve*

Mindy, your one true ever'lastin' luv

Typing in the night
means leaning close to screen. Hence
the spray. It's a curse.

Mindy, your one true ever'lastin' luv

Ashley and Mary
Kay undergo the old Show
Biz Rite of Passage.

jilbur

Chicks with asses, yo,
Anorexic bitches rule.
Who needs a tampon?

Mindy, your one true ever'lastin' luv

Five bucks says that chick's
not watching the rally, she's
eating some nachos.

jilbur

Tampon virgin, me?
Not on your sweet life, my friend.
Super-Plus all the way!

jilbur

Did everyone 'get'
The amenorrhea joke?
Maybe it's too much.

Mindy, your one true ever'lastin' luv

I did just NOW. Thanks
for the clarification.
It's funny. Really.

Cyn

I've got these twins y'all
now I've got a smile
cause I'm hard like a rock,yo

Mindy, your one true ever'lastin' luv

I give you Jilbur:
she worked "amenorrhea"
into a 'ku. Brill!

Mindy, your one true ever'lastin' luv

"Amenorrhea"
and "tampon"--are they at odds?
Should be fun to watch!!!

Mindy, your one true ever'lastin' luv

OK, back to bed.
Have to go in late today;
hence the 'ku frontload.

Mindy, your one true ever'lastin' luv

I just realized
that my web address has been
wrong all this time. Snap!

In my lusty vows
for Amy, I cached me a
typo. What a sap.

Anyone who tried
to visit me for the last
three weeks: S.O.L.

Chrissy

I choked up green tea
After finding the meaning
Of 'amenorrhea' *blush*

Olqiuig

The first two members
Of the Lara Flynn Boyle
Fan club, pose for shot

Chris

These babies can hold
a cup. But you should see what
mom does with a keg.

Olquig

Queen of the Boobage
Uses Royal tits to keep
Royal beer upright.

Lee

You know Fran, this was
a REALLY was a bad idea hon.
Now, boobs numb, pants hot.

Chrissy

I take my real big
Super important English
AP Lit test soon

I must use big words
Like 'verisimilitude'
Whatever that means

Now it's time to go
And write bullshitted essays
Starts in half hour.. FUCK!

Shit, my ride is here
So wish me luck, s'il vous plait
Wait! That's not English...

Lee

Pssst, yo Mary Kate
I so have to pee right now
Just squat here sister.

Lee

Hairy Nascar Man
Proudly displays his IQ
I think he cheated

Chris

My alarm system
is my kid sister screaming
her ass off at you.

Lee

Here I was driving
and saw a mini van, yo
mirrored windows suck.

Chris

If we crouch down low
the wind wont blow us away
'cos we weigh three pounds.

Lee

These Olsen Sisters
will never appreciate
Judith Light - she rocks.

Chris

Mary Kate and Ash
suggest threesome with Robert.
"You talkin' to me?"

Oliquig

Jim decides that this
Is perfect mobile unit
For defense of bombs

Chris

Think Bob's back hair is
out of control? You shoud see
his wife, Betty-Sue's.

jilbur DOH

one tampon 'ku sucked.
Who'd I think I was fooling?
I can't count to five.

jilbur

Not eighteen until
June 13--mea culpa!
Statutory rape.

Sweety

New at Burger King
- make your own coffee table-
birthday party - Yay!

Sweety

New! Back hair shampoo.
For daily use. L'Oréal;
Because You're Worth It

jilbur

We pout, we squat; we
ho it up--we're twins, beeyotch!
Coors Light, anyone?

Sweety

I believe they ate
the Olson twin whopper. With
extra meat ofcourse.

lizardek

Jilbur my new love
your kus leave me gasping *gasp*
Side hurts from laughing.

jilbur

Help! the straw--pointing
away from me--have mercy.
I can't bear the thirst.

Lee

Hey poser fat chick!
You are not pretty Amy
Queen of Everything

Sweety

Breaking Nascar News!
Famous clone sheep Dolly was
spotted in the crowd.

Chris

New on the White Trash
Network: Trading Mobile Homes
From West Virginia.


Lee

Hey look, it's Mindy
and Amalah in 10 years.
"Where the fucks my beer?"

jilbur

I am King Three, yo.
From my lofty post, Monster
Trucks perform for me.

Lee

I'm really sorry,
I couldn't help that last one.
please forgive me, yo.

Lee

I don't understand
how that car alarm works on
that chain and padlock.

jilbur

What am I to you?
A hirsute back, minus '3.'
(Norah Jones tribute)

Lee

Hairy dude grabs arms
"Dude is it cold in here or
is it just me?" Yo.

Chris

It ain't fancy but
this is mah vee-hickle so
keep out you varmint!

Stu

What feels stranger? The
Beer in my cleavage, or the
Snickers I sat on

Lee

Yo, white trash news flash:
Camper duct taped to old truck?
Really bad idea.

jilbur

Lee dissed my duct tape.
Or is it duck tape? Whatev.
I'll kill the bastard.

Stu

DeNiro? What the
Fuck? This ain't Raging Bull. Feed
Those skinny bitches.

Stu

What is scary is
The fact that someone else had
To shave that three in.

Fraulein N

De Niro grins. What's
Better than buy one get one
Night? Nothing, that's what.

Stu

You can't see it but,
The trunk is held shut by a
Bunch of twisty ties.

Sweety

Olson Twin’s new flick;
“The see-through twin” sponsored by
Extreme Weight Watchers

Suzanna Danna

Mary Kate and Ash
Yo you look just like that girl
Brittany Murphy

Stu

Mobile homes and a
Flatbed truck, it's the best of
Both worlds, white trash rules.

Suzanna Danna

Where did you get that
Picture of me in my crown
Before "The Swan" yo.

Fraulein N

Come "Sunday Sunday
Sunday!" you know where to find
My hairy-ass back.

Fraulein N

They done stole mah lock
And busted my back winder.
Ain’t that the same car?

Oliquig

Nair reconsiders
its newest hair removal
ad campaign for men.

jilbur

Call Jeff Foxworthy.
Dude, we got material
should last you ten years.

Fraulein N

Nothing says class like
A Solo cup jammed down in
Your boob area.

Stu

Once, I thought I met
An Olsen, turns out it was
only a cornstalk

Fraulein N

Did you notice the
Lady in blue looks mad? That’s
HER cup and crown, yo.

Amalah

Y'all, if I don't pass
my finals I'll be living
in that there trailer.

Stu

They actually
Like the thirteen car, but she
Won't take off her shirt

Amalah

Woman in blue suit
makes pouty face because her
cleavage don't hold cups.

Stu

Don't worry about
The paper Amy, just put
a beer in your boobs

Stu

Oh, what dark days are
These? The throne of the Kingdom
Of Burger is lost

Queen BeerInMyBoobs
Rules with an iron fist, none
Shall escape her wrath

jilbur

We waste so much time
with education--just look:
You could have this car!

So leave the books behind
and concentrate instead on
what counts: Bondo skills.

Amalah

Some little birdie
has a very nice nest now
of cushy back hair.

Amalah

Taped-up windows stop
road rage as you can't see who's
all up on yo' grill.

jilbur

Man, this dude is old
but mom says, if do him
we'll be all grown up!

Stu

DeNiro, Olsen
It is the best of both worlds
Talented, and not

jilbur

ummm, let me fix that typo:

Man, this dude is old ...
but mom says, if we do him,
we'll be all grown up!

Amalah

We don't care that you've
got different hair colors:
You just get one star.

Amalah

Stop tailing me, jerk.
Mah winder done busted an'
I'll bust yo' ass too.

Fraulein N

Early each day on
The streets of L.A., a crowd
Of horny men gawks.

Fraulein N

Waiting for Olsens
Too thin to stand on their feet,
And the film they’ll hawk.

Fraulein N

Come feed the girls, show
Them you care. Just look at their
Ribs and their hair. Gawd.

jilbur

Perfect tea sandwich:
two slices skinny white bread
one slice smokin' ham.

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