Oh My God, Holy Shit, & I Am So Screwed
About Last Night

Haiku Smackdown VIII: 'Kuing On Da Bayou

Haiku for White Trash!
And for each 'ku we write, an
Olsen Twin gets fed.

There's a bit of a theme this week, except for the very last picture, which I simply had to include because it's the scariest thing I've ever seen (and thank you very much Buzz). Yes, even scarier than the lady with the cup in her cleavage. Yes, scarier than back-hair man. Yes, I find the Olsen twins THAT FUCKING SCARY.

cup_holder

new_door_lock

Camper

at_the_races

mah_winder_done_busted

yeeew

(IT'S THE END OF THE WORLD AS WE KNOW IT: Click here for a bonus picture and sign of the coming apocalypse.)

Comments

jilbur

Mary Poppins rules!
Fraulein, I salute you, yo.
Supercali- ! --shit.

Oliquig

Now introducing
A new product in auto
Safety: Ghetto Locks

Cindy

Scary, hairy pic
Proves Bigfoot likes his Nascar.
Cars go round and round.

Lee

Did I just hear Dale
roll over in his grave, yo?
Dumb, fat hairy guy.

Lee

I had no idea
that they made quadruple wide
back hair razors - yeeech.

Lee

Notice the entire
row of seats behind hairy
bald guy are empty.

Lee

White trash ensemble
would not be complete without
new milk dispenser.

Cindy

New Nascar fan rave
is to show by your back shave
Your I.Q., yo yo.

Lee

Misunderstanding....
barber thought he heard the words
"little off the back"

jilbur

I was born this way:
no follicles in '3' shape
on my hairy back.

My sis, better still,
has the profile of Mary
on her left buttock.

Lee

I guess the driver
of the mini van had more
duct tape than tampons.

Lee

Big hairy guy asks,
"Does my new hair design make
my back look too fat?"

Lee

Meredith Baxter
would not be caught dead in an
Olsen twins sitcom

Fraulein N

Just think about it:
They had to cut out those holes
To insert the chain.

Martha

Built-in cupholder!
Burger King queen for a day.
That's DIET Coke, right?

Martha

Who needs The Club, yo?
LoJack is too expensive.
Yale lock will do.

Lee

Got rusty holes y'all?
Use this here chain AND lock to
sprucin up the void.

Fraulein N

Food for thought: someone
Had to shave that man. Someone
Far braver than I.

Lee

I especially
like my mobile patio
with my new home, yo.

Martha

What choo lookin' at?
Laser hair removal is
done in STAGES, man!

Martha

We're almost legal!
Coming soon to internet:
Olsen twin porn tapes.

Lee

Never should one let
the haiku make one tardy
or miss your meeting.

Fraulein N

Like my new place? I
Know half is missing but dang,
Don't it look purty?

Amalah

The lock ain't pretty
but I gots to protect my
bitchin' sound system.

jilbur

What's locked up in here?
I say it loud and proud, friend:
Cheez Whiz sandwiches.

Martha

Black stripe on swimsuit
has a slimming effect, no?
Draws eye to thin waist!

Martha

Olsen twins look weird.
Dark haired one bears resemblance
to a Monchichi.

Fraulein N

What do you mean, we're
Not playing Twister? Screw you,
We're going home, yo.

Gaele

there is not even
enough wax in the free world
to fix that problem

New Marketing idea
call Hairclub for men yes folks
we found a donor

Gaele

Hey it's really not
beer in the straw, is for the
grandchildren to breathe

Gaele

Did I see yellow
tape with the words "do not cross
police crime scene" here?

Kari

Hey Chlorine! Jimbo's
ready for them body shots
you got yerself fixed?

Kari

lifetime achievement
bubba learns to count to three
ghost of dale is proud

Kari

when threat level goes
to orange, Krystal is sure
to lock her car door

Stu

He calls it shaving
The hair on his back calls it
Escaping from Hell

Kari

when twins turn eighteen
they morph from prosti-tots to
actual hookers

Kari

two for one special
gives me a... you know.. "full house"
so says deNiro

Mindy

A shame about Lee:
good husband, loving father,
but very dead meat.

jilbur

I was born this way--
no rear windshield--and, you know,
I never looked back.

The Zero Boss

The clock is ticking:
Fifty-four thousand minutes
'Til Olsen orgy!

The Zero Boss

Over-the-shoulder
cup holder: the new fashion
For the trailer set.

Amalah

The house might not look
like much but you gotta love
all that acreage.

Mindy

So what if Amy
makes pouty face? She's mad we
didn't meet sooner.

Think of the years we
could have had together. Man
oh man, what a waste.

At least we made up
for lost time. No exercise!
Cuts into lovin'.

The Zero Boss

Two holes and a chain
lock; I see the ALARM sign
And ask, "Why bother?"

Amalah

DeNiro Killed In
Freak Shoulderblade Accident:
Film at 11.

The Zero Boss

The woman holding
Pabst with her tits screams, "Where are
You taking my HOUSE?!?!"

Mindy

Ashley takes Mary
Kay's pulse: yup, it's still strong! But
please stand up slowly.

Amalah

Mindy, I told you
I'd buy us a house where we
both could live. Ta-DA!

Mindy

Don't look at me, oh
pouty-faced one. Told you to
use a cup, nimrod.

jilbur

We were born this way:
conjoined twins, fused at the wrist--
Love us, though it's wrong.

The Zero Boss

"Three" is the number
You shall shave into your back,
And the number you

Shall shave into your
Back is three. Start the race with
the Holy Pistol!

Amalah

No need for costumes:
On Halloween he just shaves
in a 666.

The Zero Boss

All that's missing is
the sticker: "My Other Car's
Also a Shitheap."

Amalah

One day those girls will
make the best "True Hollywood
Story" of all time.

Amalah

To get that "3" so
smooth she had to use a blade.
That there's true love, y'all.

Lee

Re-reads Mindy's 'ku.
Isn't all meat dead already?
Just wondering, yo.

Lee

We are so VERY
lucky that Amalah didn't
post hairy guy's front!

Fraulein N

Lady watches twins.
"When do I get a star?" she
Pouts, folding arms.

Kari

my sticky window
keeps damn kids from falling out
better than seatbelts

Fraulein N

Bah. It SHOULD have said:

Lady watches twins.
"When do I get a star?" she
Pouts, folding her arms.


Lee

Amy is not as
pretty as my beloved
Morty. She SO rocks.

Lee

A better haiku
would have had the words "Morty",
"Pretty" and "Tampon"

Amalah

Ew. I just pictured
all the crap that must be stuck
to tape's sticky side.

Lee

What's this? I can't post?
I haiku too fast and get
dumb error messege.

Kari

good thing camper is
strapped down, otherwise
porch is all for naught

jilbur

Try this on for size:
"Morty pretty tampon." Hey!
I think I did it!

Lee

An error occured....
when 'ku-ing on Amalah's
Site - type REALLY SLOOOOOOW.

Lee

Jilbur I'm not sure..
that fits. I mean the haiku
not the tampon, yo.

Amalah

Amalah's site thinks
we are ALL malicious scripts--
even me! Bitch site.

GranolaSpice

Soon to turn eighteen,
Yet we still look like monkeys:
DO NOT FEED THE TWINS

Amalah (Morty)

I am MORTIFIED.
No reason, really, just felt like
typing MORTIFIED.

jilbur

Jilbur is relieved
to know that even the great
Lee can't count to five.

Lee

Hey...malicious script
would be a really cool name
for a rock band, yo.

Amalah

The Malicious Scripts
and The White Trash Cup Holders:
Live! One Night Only!

Lee

You are MORTIFIED?
I love that almost as much
as craptacular.

Lee

Yo, can't count to five?
fingers are on my sandwhich...
That's a good excuse.

Amalah

Drove my busted-ass
Chevy to the levee but
the levee was dry...

Amalah

And them good old girls
were drinking whiskey and rye
from cups in their boobs...

Amalah

Everybody now!
Sweet Home Alabama, where
the skies are so...white.

Suzanna Danna

Alone in the world,
Just me and my camper, yo...
"On the road again"

jilbur

What song you wan' heah?
If I leave here tomorrow,
will you still remem-

Lee

Kareoke 'ku
Should NOT be a new blog trend
Oh my frickin' ears!

Amalah

The vet was puzzled
by the poor cat's hairballs; then
he met its owner.

Fraulein N

How funny is it
That the simian twins are
Posing like monkeys?

Amalah

Where is Mindy? Where
is Mindy? Where is Mindy?
Where is Mindy? (Yo.)

Shiz

It's WHITE TRASH 'ku week!
and the Shiz is so damn late
I WISH I had known!

Today's photographs
are the best haiku fodder
I have ever seen.

I was going to go
away from my desk for lunch
but now, yo? Screw it.

I'm staying right here
So I can white trash haiku
'cause that freakin' rocks.

Amalah

Yay for Shiz! Yay for
white trash 'ku! I'm glad you like
these way whacko pics.

Amalah

A friend sent me these
pictures last week and I KNEW
I'd struck haiku GOLD.

Lee

Yay!!! Shiz is back, Yo!
Maybe her Susan Lucci
reign will fade this week

Amalah

That's a smart shrink I
think (hee) and you should listen
ev'rything he says.

Mindy

I'm back! Went to shrink.
Needed help getting over
the hairy back pic.

No, seriously.
Was at shrink's. He thinks I should
marry Amalah.

Chrissy

I just have one thing
to say about 'Burger Queen':
Hope she doesn't blog!

(Is 'blog' one or two?
Hey, I still think my OS
is "Mac-O-S-Ecks")

Shiz

Woman is huge-ass
very, very huge-ass, yo.
fast food hat no lie.

She sits with sister
Who's even huge-asser, man.
hat don't fit on head.

Worst of all, the first
holding a cup in her boobs
can't even reach straw.

This is the diet
they put fat people on now
Can't reach the food? Darn.

You know it won't work
Fat people love their 'Donalds
smuggle it somehow.

And "Darn it!" they say,
"No supersize is BUNK, yo!"
Eats double of large.

That woman's bicep
is bigger than some small dogs
and WAAAAAAY uglier.

Now you all say, "Shiz,
"You be mean, you be sizeist."
You must be joking.

How many Big Macs
do these ladies eat each day?
It's time to lose weight.

And no diet, yo
will ever work on these two
Until they shut face.

Mindy

Lee, hon, think again.
You shouldn't advertise your
"meat" as "dead."

Lee

It looks like Morty
has a way wicked case of
if the Mindies, ha!

jilbur

Weird--I thought the twins
were Mindy and Amalah--
another timeline?

Mindy

HTF does she
reply to my 'kus before
I hit "Post"??? Spoooooooky!!

Amalah

Mindy, after we
get hitched we should dress alike
and always hold hands.

Stu

We wrote a new book
On being twins. Our picture
Is on the book's spine.

Amalah

The Great and Mighty
Amalah Knows and Sees ALL.
Don't question my ways...

No, really it's just
a sign of how meant for each
other we are. Mind meld!

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