Previous month:
April 2004
Next month:
June 2004

What's up Aiken?

Today's post title comes from perhaps the funniest spam subject line ever. I've been getting them all damn week...penis enlargement pill spam with subject lines like, "loser with a small penis" or "could you be any smaller?" Today's variant: what's up aiken If that was intentional? Brilliant. If I had a penis, perhaps I would actually read the email. But I don't so I won't. Meh. Anyway, I'm getting ready to leave on my loooong car drive, just as soon as my dear, sweet, put-upon assistant gets to the office. From a funeral. Her grandmother's funeral. Yes, I believe of... Read more →


HAAAATTTTEEEEE. Haaaaaaaaattttttttttttteeeeeee. That's directed at no one person or no one thing in particular. Just a nice, general feeling of loathiness. I'm tired. I'm still (STILL) on Vegas time. I've had a headache for four days straight now. Unbelievable deadlines at work. Memorial Day weekend traffic started on Tuesday. Clomid. Cicadas. Crazy Haiku Smackdown drama. (Yes, really.) (But don't even ask. Seriously.) Anyway, I need to pack tonight because I'm driving to Philadelphia tomorrow night. Like every other idiot in the whole blessed world. Months and months ago, I bought Phillies tickets for my dad and I, which is cool.... Read more →

Shut Up, It's Still Wednesday For 2 More Hours

Dudes, I am sooooo tired right now. So you know how I always say you should probably do the opposite of whatever I say? I mean it this time. Except for what I just said about doing the opposite of what I said. Don't do the opposite of that. Or maybe you should. In other words, the advice column will be fairly short this week. Dear Amalah, First I want to say that I wish you were around when I was growing up, because Dear Abby and Ann Landers were on crack (but just part of the time). You ROCK!... Read more →

Slight Delay in Programming

Many insincere apologies, but today's Wednesday Advice Smackdown post will not be available until sometime this evening. Besides being shitstormingly busy at work today, I also left the majority of questions on my laptop at home. So d'oh. Speaking of the New Hotness Grand Duchess Carmichael Judith Light Machine, I have discovered that she is capable of ripping my TiVo'd shows from the TiVo and onto DVDs. Oh my god. All I need is to buy some connector whatzit video capture thingie (yes, that's seriously what it's called). And then burn, baby, burn. In other news, Jason bought me these.... Read more →

Attention Internet: Amy is Alive. Alive!

Look! An update! Update! Update! Update! So I am happy to report that I am not dead, maimed, depressed, on hiatus, kidnapped or eaten by zombies. I did have a killer attack of writer's block though, followed up with a secondary infection of work. Work work work. Because believe it or not, I'm vaguely important at work and many important tasks depend on me. Like whining about things and the occasional memo. I wanted to update today, and even started writing an entry when the power went out. (And because that entry is lost forever? It was probably the funniest... Read more →

Behold, I am a Genius

Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa. My grades are in. I got an A in both classes. And it turns out I DID make them slut finals my bitches. Hardcore bitches. 98% on my Communication & the Law final. NINETY-EIGHT PER-FUCKING-CENT. The professor asked if I was considering a LEGAL CAREER. And THAT is how you make a final yo' bitch, people. And for the Negotiation & Conflict Management one? 99.5%. I missed a single half point, even though I thought I was making shit up left and right. It was the highest grade IN THE CLASS. Behold! I wrecked the curve and I am... Read more →

The Many Loves of Amalah, Part Four

Read Parts One, Two and Three right heah. (Hmm, I’m starting to get into the realm where maybe I should consider making up names for these people. I mean, I know there are septeventy billion Joshes in the world, but I prefer not to get sued by the one out there who knows how to Google and maybe happens to be a big lawyer or something.) (Although I know for a fact that this Josh is not a big lawyer, because I know how to Google. But more on that later. Plus, Miss Doxie will be my lawyer and she... Read more →

Ask Amalah Again

This week: five more questions, five more semi-not-answers. I seem to be maxing out the funny at five questions, so if you don't see your question answered, there are a few possibilities as to why: 1) I couldn't think of anything funny right now. I will hold on to your question in case I do later. Check back next week. (And sorry if your question was of the "My hair's on fire, what do I do?" variety. You'll just have to wait.) 2) Your question scared me and I forwarded it on to the cops. Seriously, what the fuck is... Read more →

Delirium Etc.

Yes, I am back. We took the red-eye back this morning, so my whole sleeping-eating-not-walking-into-things equilibrium is all kinds of effed up. But let's see if I can recap some Vegas highlights. Monday through Thursday afternoon: Work. Blah. Thursday afternoon through yesterday: Fun. Haaaaa. Jason flew in on Thursday, the workish convention thing ended, I got out of my suit and put on cute clothes, including a fluffy miniskirt that resulted in me being promptly manhandled in the casino by a very drunk and very sunburned shirtless man. It was a drive-by skirting. A crowd of decent-looking yet creepily-overly-involved senior... Read more →