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May 2004
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July 2004

Ask Amalah's Advice, Again, And Other "A" Words

You know how much I love you people? I am writing this column from my DEATHBED. That's right, I am DYING. By the time you read this, I will be DEAD. I will have DIED. (Have I used all tenses of the word "death" yet?) I went to work today, because I am a Trooper. I also went a wee bit stir crazy yesterday, despite some darn good IM action and the most hilarious phone call from Coleen. (Summary: How are you feeling my darling? Shitty? Okay, let me tell you about my shitty day and make you laugh until you pee a little. Which is not hard with a UTI but still. Loave her.) Anyway, now? Am dying. Jason's making dinner and I'm moaning softly from the couch. There's another M*A*S*H rerun on. My head hurts so bad the mere use of the word "hurt" is insulting, as it falls so very, very short. It's 77 degrees in here and yet I shiver. Mooooaaaaannnn. But still, I write. I update. I got tomorrow's Haiku Smackdown post all ready to go. Do you KNOW the kind of photos you end up looking at while you scour the soft white underbelly... Read more →

The Antibiotics of Absurdity

I'm at home today. Sick and sicker. Sinus infection or something and then, just to be twice as loavely, a urinary tract infection. All kinds of special. (And guess which infection I omitted to my boss when I called out this morning, but which he now knows about, because he reads this site? Go on, guess!) Anyway, many thanks to all my wonderful friends who have kept me amused and distracted by sending funny emails and waving shiny things in front of me. And especially Chris, who not only spent all morning IMing with me, but also provided me with a ready-made entry so I would not have to worry my feverish little head about it. Be warned: We're very, very weird. And I can't really blame my multiple infections for it. rudecactus: sorry to hear you're not feeling well :-( amalahbeth: sucks *** Auto-response from rudecactus: I'm away right now. amalahbeth: what? where? rudecactus: oops...I'm here... rudecactus: not good! amalahbeth: I still almost went to work, because I'm an idiot. I was driving there and suddenly thought...why the hell am I killing myself to get to work? amalahbeth: take a sick day dammit! rudecactus: hell yeah! its only... Read more →

Adventures in Disposable Income

(In which we are filthy, dirty yuppie sell-outs. Y’all are going to hate me after this post, I know it.) I kicked off the weekend by spending over $200 on a haircut, highlights and hair products on Friday morning. Gulp. Friday night, Jason took me and my haircut to LeftBank in Adams Morgan. LeftBank is a new trendy spot...the chef described it as a "wired retro lounge," or something. It's the kind of restaurant where you’ll spend over $100 while sharing a cafeteria-style table with up to four other people. Half the menu is raw/vegan stuff while the rest of the menu explores every culinary fad in the world. The music is loud so you end up shouting at your dinner companion and rolling your eyes at the slobs who dare to ask for a table while wearing JEANS and TENNIS SHOES. I mean, come on. Do they not notice the sea of metrosexuals in here? The Eurotrash and the Manolos? Please. Oh, and all the cups and cocktail glasses are made of fluorescent plastic. Funky! (Coming Soon to an Near You: The Meathead Incident. There’s a whole other entry from this dinner that must be written, and will... Read more →

The 2004 Amalah Awards

The lovely Miss Lauren wrote a very funny post today about made-up awards for herself at work. I immediately decided to steal this idea, and then went a step further and stole her entire first sentence too. Of course, her post was really funny because Miss Lauren works for her own damn self, while I, you might be surprised to learn, am a slave to the corporate machine. (Those of you with the patience to plod through this post may now smile weakly at that lame little joke. Go on. I’ll wait.) And I’ve actually gotten awards. Twice. Well, the awards didn’t have my name on them or anything, and technically belong to the author whose publication I edit, but we’re just going to say that he never would have won those awards if it weren’t for his amazing editor. But. Still. I obviously deserve some more personal recognition. So without further ado, here are the awards I am putting myself in the running for… The Bart Simpson Memorial Grammar Rodeo Award. While you might not know it from the labyrinth-like sentences I post here, I’m a damn fine copyeditor. While it’s not primarily what I do, I’m always asked... Read more →

Anatomy of a Company Picnic

Or, When Life is an Episode of The Office Just Waiting to Happen Or, The Longest Entry Ever Part One: The Memo We're pleased to invite you and your immediate family or a guest to our upcoming Company Picnic on Wednesday, June 23 from 2:00 p.m. - 7:00 p.m. (Employees are excused from work at 1:30 p.m. to attend the picnic. If you choose not to attend you are expected to remain at work.) The picnic goes on rain or shine. Should the weather be bad (heaven forbid!), there is covered seating available. There will be numerous activities for all ages including: softball, volleyball, horseshoes, miniature golf, basketball, ping pong, and field games for kids and grown-ups alike! We’re also featuring some new and returning favorites this year. These include a double dump truck slide (new), a horse-drawn hay ride, a moon bounce, remote controlled NASCAR racing, and a bucking mechanical bull - (it was so much fun last year!) We will also enjoy a "fun in the sun" entertainment package from Bristol Sounds Deejays. In addition to all the fun, you can plan on plenty of good food and beverages. Barbecued chicken and spareribs will be served along with... Read more →

Too Much Amalah for Just One Column

You know the drill: You ask, I dance dangerously close to giving actual answers. It's the Wednesday Advice Smackdown here at the site which you are currently looking at. With links! For clicking! And some photos! And more of me me me me than you ever would want. Dear Amalah, My husband is all in a tizzy because I got a sweet little gmail account thanks to an invite from a blogger. I told him, as soon as I get an invite to give, I'll send it to you. I'm even posting to my secret blogger account just so that it will be active enough that they might give me another invite. But you see? I kinda need TWO gmail accounts. I need one to use for non-blogging people. So - uh - I kinda got an invite and uh - used it for myself. And now? My husband thinks I'm a greedy wench. But I NEEDED it. I NEEDED two. I mean - I don’t want my ex-husband knowing I have a blog. And I don’t want my in-laws knowing about that blog. So I NEEDED another gmail. Also - I dont want to use my real name in... Read more →

Gifts, Presents and Other Things All About Me

Today is Jason's birthday! Yay for Jason! Just for today, you may refer to him as the King of Everything instead of Mr. Amalah, because there's a difference. The things I do for him, really. Actually, the things I don't do for him make a much longer list. For instance, he made breakfast for ME this morning. For ME. On HIS birthday. What? And I think I may have called him a bad name when the alarm went off this morning and he told me to get up. But this is why he is a 28-year-old grown-up and I am still a 26-year-old child. I've been offering his birthday gifts to him for a week now, but he wanted to wait. And he's still waiting. I asked if he wanted to open them this morning, but he declined. Again, what? The WORST thing you can do to me is say you have a present for me but I can't have it right now. It's in the mail, you forgot it at home, it's out in the car, you're making me wait for my actual birthday. I don't want to hear it. Hand over that gift, buddy, and it better have... Read more →

Where Am I?

I'm over at The Random Muse, partying down with Lauren and Martha. It's the first installment (god, what is with me and these series-type things?) of our "Girlfriends' Guide to Fabulousness & Fantasticity." Which is really us posting funny pictures of celebrities and then saying funny things. Funny things that are most often very mean. Because we're like that. Anyway, we're hilarious. Go check us out. Read more →

All the President's Pissed-Off Men

12:31 a.m. For the past two hours, we've been watching (and enjoying) All the President's Men, a movie which, I am horrified to admit, I'd never seen. It reminded me of why I wanted to be a journalist, and why I failed so miserably at my attempts to become one. I've read almost all of Woodward and Bernstein's Watergate stories. I seriously have a copy of Post Ombudsman Bill Green's amazing post-Janet Cooke-scandal story (in which both Woodward and Ben Bradlee play major roles) in my desk drawer at work, printed out from LEXIS-NEXUS. And y'all can just shut the proper fuck up about that. Anyway, the point is that I was enjoying this movie. I was staying awake for this movie. I spotted Meredith Baxter-Birney in this movie. Haaaaah. So we're at the part right after they fucked up the Halderman angle. They've found out they're being watched and bugged and might maybe get run over by a bus or some such unfortunate "accident." They're undeterred. They're getting back to work. Nixon is being sworn in on the television, and... *Ding* goes the TiVo. *Would you like to delete this recording now?* asks the TiVo. WHAT. WHAT. WHAAAAAAAT? Fucking.... Read more →