Haiku Smackdown : Mullets, Drunks & Internet Clichés
June 03, 2004
Website crashes, long
weekends deter us not...the
Smackdown lives on, yo.
We're disorganized
and a tad drunk, but still we
soldier on for 'ku.
Onward, brave 'kuers!
Through mullets, white trash and drunks!
Lay some smack, bitches!
(Click on a thumbnail for full version.)
Oh holy lord God.
The little whore-to-be has
Been airbrushed, I'll bet. :P
It's all in the eyes.
Not that I still play with dolls
But those are Barbie's!
Mustard Man's nickname
is NUG? I so want to have
a nickname like that.
Check out mullet kid's
Evil grin. What revenge does
He plan for that 'do?
Beauty pageant crown?
Aluminum foil, yo:
One roll wadded up.
the websites: Naughty
Nuns with Buns in Ovens, and
Wet, Wild & Defrocked!
Little mullet girl
later grows up to receive
hairspray scholarship.
Mullet kid's a boy?
that is even more screwed up
learn to fight, young man.
A fresh idea:
reality porn. "Nuns Gone
Wild - Out of Habit"
Fishbowl green drink girl
Thinks this night out is SOOOO great;
Dates 'Joe' from New Kids.
Green drink looks like crap
with that foam-mist thing going
It's Kool-Aid on crack.
Fishbowl girl hopes that
later her date feels her up
Joe's a lucky man!
But really she's proud
of the best detail tonight:
her bangs look so hot
Shiz, speaking of that,
Know the pair who got doe for
Prom clothes of duct tape?
Please tell the Mullets
you'd look better with shaved heads
than you do right now.
Break into their home
clip their hair while they're asleep,
throw away hair goop.
They'd wake traumatized
but after some therapy
could come out better
Anyone know the
Mustard Man? The Mustard Man?
Lives on Drury Lane.
How many cans of
Aqua Net died to support
mullet family pic?
Let's give honor to
brave hairspray's self-sacrifice
for sake of bad hair.
DOE? I'm lost.
but I did hear the story
of duct tape duo.
She won "Swan Junior?"
It's never too early for
plastic surgery!
Time for a FUN GAME!
In which we all must decide
where Mustard Man works.
It looks like fast food,
But where? A&W?
McD's? Burger King?
Or at a Harvey's?
Hardee's? Or Jack-In-the-Box?
Stuckey's? Or Wendy's?
Or maybe he works
At local bowl-a-rama
fried food for fat folks?
Dough equals money
Wow I suck *laughing at self*
Female deers do, too
Guy thinks his bike is
better than a girl- ride all
day and ride all night
I think a moment
of silence is required
for the auqa net.
Amy, how many
Romulans did you recruit
to help you drink that?
Seriously, yo,
It looks like a shitty place
I'd say White Castle.
In my opinion
It looks like a small place, hmm,
Cafeteria?
Can anyone read
The little yellow box that's
Left of his fat ass?
Is he ugly cuz
the mullet or mullet cuz
he's so damn ugly?
If it were not for
all the mustard and pickles
Might say Taco Bell
They can be shitty
The Taco Bell can be bad
though not with mustard.
Fresh short mullet? Check.
Special occasion zit? Check.
Ready to par-tay!
Not to mention that
Mustard's face is HUMONGOUS;
S'it gigantism?
Jase and I sucked that
drink down in record time, Chris.
And took lots of pics.
Schneiderman never
did get work after that show.
And his fate now? Zits.
What a Cranium!
It's bigger than New Jersey
and twice as scary.
Gosh darn it! This here
computer freecell game is
harder than it looks!
Gotta keep up my
good record. Don't want to break
my winning streak, yo!
The ku gods would give
me much more inspiration
if I had green drink.
Dudes, now we all know
Why Amy is so funny.
Green drink long-lasting.
Could it be? I think --
a Dairy Queen? I wonder,
Some DQs are NAST.
Look Mama! Perfect
fanning! And I do our bar
napkins the same way!
Lone Mullet man looks
like he's going to kill someone
and then someone else.
Hold the phone a sec!
Amy, the green drink was real?
Geez, I'm out of it...
That's Fat Bastard from
Austin Powers movie, yo!
Now slinging mustard.
Gah. My faux pas goes
unnoticed. I didn't know
that's really Amy!!!
Wait. Is that a pic
of AMALAH with the drink?
snuck in fam photo?
Mustard Man, I think
not. The orange shirt makes him look
like the Great Pumpkin.
It might just be me,
Bike guy has silky smooth legs
He's shaved recently!
It totally fits:
a blonde girl in the eighties
It must be Amy.
She's all looking at
the cute mullet waiter boy
as dad takes the pic.
I might be confused!
Is the lady with couldron
Amalah or not?
Nun looks for priest porn
Don't doom me to hell just yet--
Humor tongue in cheek!
A blond girl in the
eighties? Thought that pic was from
three weeks ago. Damn.
That drink must have been
crazy strong for me to lose
track of so much time.
Amy is braver
than the rest of us. I would
never post fam pics.
Then again, my fam
pics could land me in jail, and
kids in foster care.
make redneck wine: stomp
burger trimmings on dirty
floor, let age, bottle.
Picture perfect the
heirs of Dippity-Do and
Aqua-Net empires
Where's Mustard Man work?
NOT fast food joint. That's the back
of a rec center.
The trick to the green drink
is that the bowl is filled up
with lots of icecubes.
Restaurant could be
like McDonalds and fill up
with more ice than drink
She’s no Harley but
the best lay I ever had.
Hope she’ll stay ‘til morn.
Will avoid “motor
running” cliche but none love
their bike like I do
If I can chug it
sirens sound, get my name on
“All Star Shit Faced” plaque
Chrissy, bike guy did
Shave his legs, and that's Amy
With the Drink of Life.
It's not just lovin'
but the cuddle time after
that the bike man loves.
Computer newbie
Googling “sister love” is
juicin’ my habit!
Nun licking her lips
got it HOT for Tom Selleck
home to cold shower.
Nun loves online games:
With Flash you can spank students
with rulers ALL DAY.
LOL Amy!
The nuns play a spanking game
go home to drink beer.
The truth about nuns?
Looking up a recipe
for sinful dessert.
Which is most sinful?
Would have to be Devil's Food;
a cake for the damned.
Back to pageant girl
I hope that when she grows up
no one gives her guns.
'Coz seriously?
How amazingly F'd up
is the Barbie life?
Three pounds of lipstick
on such a small, little girl;
vaseline on teeth.
Surely preparing
For a flight attendant life:
Perpetual smiles.
I would so laugh, y'all
if she became a Marine
broke mom's plastic heart.
Mustard Man pretends
the spill was an "accident"
but he loves mustard.
Her mommy would weep
but it would wreck her make-up
dabs eyes with tissue.
Going away gift
for the young princess marine?
pak of pink razors.
MM wishes that
these people were not around
would roll in Mustard.
Gift Packs for Marine?
Cosmetics, Lady Speed Stick;
really wants a beer.
Fat man took this job
Because of all the mustard
he'd joyfully see.
Anybody who
makes up their kid like that girl
ought to be punnished.
Not just vaseline
Little beauty girl looks like
False teeth inserted
Mullet family
heads back to the trailer park
Din is franks and beans.
They're so excited
they eat their favourite meal
as they watch Springer.
Tuck little Mullet
into his/her kitchen bed
go make monkey love.
They wake to breakfast
a whole pound of bacon strips
with greasy fried eggs.
The Nun sneaks a peek
at porn on the internet
Pope's none the wiser
False teeth is cheating
(wouldn't put it past the mom);
not fair to others.
I swear that girl's "crown"
Is the hugest assed I've seen
and damn, damn ugly.
Stylist for Mullet
family is being charged with
gross incompetence
Well you know when they
Went back to the trailer park
They were so famous
Lil' queen is really
pissed she only won 3rd place
Botox conceals rage.
How much cash-ola
did the missy princess win?
Looks like two thousand.
Hey Sweetie, use that
to get yourself a lawyer
and "divorce" your folks.
Man finds out that his
Bike better than his ex-wife
The bike doesn't whine
He rides her all night,
Pumps her full with fluid, and
She likes the name "Hog"
Or maybe use cash
to run far away from home
p'raps to Bermuda
Or just keep saving
Win every damn contest
and secretly plot
Once the pot is big
big enough to start over
get the hell out, babe.
So the green drink pic
Is really Amy, right? And
The family portrait?
Botox, vaseline,
tanning spray, highlights, and lip
stick. I'm gonna heave.
Chrissy is sickie
but sickness is welcome here
all but tampon jokes.
Chrissy since you ask -
Nay, you almost pester, girl -
is fam-ly pic yours?
Oh, you make me blush!
I'm amazed by you, how do
You think of all these?
The kid in the fam
is our little Chrissy, yo,
with the Mullet folks.
Chrissy I work at
Canada's National Lab
for Particle and
Nuclear Physics
fixing photocopiers;
I get pretty bored.
The nun is saying
"Now this haiku will win it!"
As she clicks "submit"
And there have been some
nasty tampon jokes in here
they're not my style.
Oooooooh, which one of us
is really a nun? Jilbur?
Chrissy? Heather? Zoot?
I know it's not me
but how to convince you all?
We've just never met.
Think I'm a nun, peeps,
if that's what you really want;
a nun who says 'damn'!
Ha, very funny.
My hair is all blonde, teased
Higher in the front.
Canada don't have
A Nuclear Physics lab
Must be unemployed?
Though the idea
of a simple life apart
has sometimes appealed
Out in the country
a quiet and simple life
I could dig that, yo.
So Chrissy's the mom
from the Mullet Family
all blonde and frizzed out.