Haiku Smackdown : Mullets, Drunks & Internet Clichés
June 03, 2004
Website crashes, long
weekends deter us not...the
Smackdown lives on, yo.
We're disorganized
and a tad drunk, but still we
soldier on for 'ku.
Onward, brave 'kuers!
Through mullets, white trash and drunks!
Lay some smack, bitches!
(Click on a thumbnail for full version.)
(Hmm... what can I do
To steer them off my track, Oh!
I will just say:) Damn!
That's right Chrissy girl,
I sit on my ass all day
and live off welfare.
Yeah, that's much closer
I admit that I'm a blonde
With excessive friz
Elderly nun thinks
Why do I need Cialis?
I don't have a cock.
I *knew it* girlfriend!
I hear that the Mullet is
the rage in Philly.
I must say, Chrissy
your eye make-up is the bomb
all that blue is hot.
This guy gives a new
Meaning to the words auto-
Erotica, yo!
According to ads
Mullets aren't the only thing
Big in Philly, yo.
No offense meant, Shiz,
I underestimated
Canada, not you :P
If it makes it up
I work two hours per week at
Six-fifty an hour
Amy, why that pic?
What happens in vegas is
Supposed to stay there.
The bike guy is sad.
passed out with your bike is sad
lovin' your bike: sad.
Maybe his last girl
broke his little sick-o heart
so he sleeps with bike.
Maybe she gave him
the bike as a gift of love
reminds him of her
Maybe she rode it
all the time with him and now
it still smells like her.
Why didn't I hear?
Besides the mullets what else
Is big in Philly?
Did ya all see this
Its the newest ad campaign
For touring Philly
Chrissy in Philly
nobody will tell the girl
'bout the outside world.
If I ever sunk
Low enough to date him, I'd
At least keep the bike
Plans for prize money:
Lee press-ons for Ma, Scratch Five
For "Uncle" Dean Earl.
If I'm lucky I
Can fix this tack-ass crown with
The money that’s left.
Someone needs to shoot
Person responsible for
Making BQ's dress
Oliquig! Fun nee.
But I want to see the "Sleep-
Over" thing better.
Whose logo is that?
curiosity has me
I just gotta know.
What am I doing
On this big ol' computer?
Nun of your bid'ness.
I live just outside
The city, and know of plan
To attract rich gays
Radio man said,
"Ever met a poor gay man?"
And planners listened
And yes that dress is
how shall I put it? AWFUL
ow I'll have nightmares.
"Auto-erotic":
That's damn clever. Think maybe
He lost a drunk bet?
Teenage sleepovers:
First to sleep gets bra frozen
Adult males: bike bed
Little girls should NOT
ever look like a Barbie
neither should Barbie.
Mullet child in pic
Is now on a mission: Save
others from his fate.
Mullet man is gross:
Red eyes, no shirt and pimples.
What's his phone number?
Of course I won't see
Any good done to the place
That fucking mayor
He spends it on shit
And closes down the pools and
He makes things so bad
Now there is trouble
Intercity kids can't swim
And drown, what a shame.
Mr. Mustard's mess;
my, mercy, messy mustard!
(Say it five times fast.)
So which is worst off?
Little kid with a mullet
or pagentry girl?
Which picture would you
be most embarrassed by now
if one was of you?
Wouldn't it just rock
Dyed her hair brown
And, ya know, wore flats
Twas a great idea,
group audition, Lion King.
We will be famous.
Wouldn't it just rock
If barbie, dyed her hair brown
And, ya know, wore flats
Chrissy, leave Philly
You might just like Seattle
laid back & mild.
I can't imagine
Why online dating failed with
Mullet Man's great pic.
If I keep smiling,
no one will guess cash is for
the hitman I hired.
My stage "mom" will die
with this fucking tiara
impaled on her ass.
I say pageant girl
If it was me, I do think
I would shoot myself
The mullet girl ain't
So bad, just looks like she has
Porcupine on head
Oh, God! Ex was right.
That's me, right before I die.
Scary prophesy.
Well, the U.N. guys
Have finally found Saddam's
Stash of mustard gas.
Me leave Philly? I
Still have one year left, 'tul my
Ass is outta here
Do my eyes deceive
me or does Mullet Kid have
frosted tips? So wrong.
Poor mad mullet man.
Eyes are bloodshot from staring.
"Me? Or Kenny G?"
Was it good for you?
Me too. I heard you purring.
I found your key, babe.
Mullet kid indeed
Has frosted tips. It kills me
that gender's unknown.
Twas the toughest choice
of Amy's life: The pink straw?
Or the yellow? Both!
Li'l BQ's got it
worse than mullet kid. She can
Tell that shit ain't right.
What I want to know
Is how the photographer
Kept a straight face, yo!
Mullet kid: frosted
hermaphrodite. It's true. Oh,
the humanity!!
Mullet mom could be
a very pretty woman
with a makeover
Mullet child, too
could be cute and likeable
with a nice, new look
But mullet dad, whoa!
He could be mediocre
at the very best.
Jon Bon Jovi to
the Genie "I said lots of
hair pie, not hair high."
I must leave you now...
time for the salon. Mullet?
Not in this lifetime.
Consequences of
one night stand with bike: passel
of ATV's, yo.
Come meet the mullets!
They have their own TV show!
It's on TLC.
Why? 'Coz you should learn
how to NOT be like that, yo.
It's so damn awful.
The real question is:
Is this a recent picture
or is this them now?
What's really bad is
The fact that they are looking
Just a little left.
I have come up with
A theory: There is a guest
With them - Judith Light!!!
D'OH! Shiz is STOO PID!
Is this an OLD photograph,
or is this them now?
Shiz goes for walkies
now on her lunch break; part of
anti-ass campaign.
Back in one hour
to 'ku with the best of them:
make me proud, people!
I can't tell when the
pic was taken either; that
makes it scarier!
Pic has to be from
80's, stores don't sell jumpsuits
in white anymore
No anti-ass shit
here! Splitting pepperoni
pizza with a friend!
"Uncle" Dean Earl, HA!
Fraulein, you crack my shit right
up. And that poor kid...
I'm not anti-ass
But I am anti-ass not
fitting in my chair
Anti-ass compaign:
Two hour swim practice, evil coach
See ya guys later :|
Have spilled pizza sauce
all over my beloved
white H.A. t-shirt!!!
anti-ass campaign:
butt-ox instead of bo-tox
get it? Buttocks? Yo.
Clearasil's workin'!
Here I am ladies! Rock you
like a hurricane!
Gown of pink frosting,
she's ready for her next gig
popping out of cake.
I tried to Haiku
but ustard man made me sick
onward JLB!
I tried to Haiku
but mustard man made me sick
onward JLB!
See what did I say?
Mustard Boy lost his M, Yo!
Now I lost my lunch.
Who called me a nun?
I pity the fool! Jesus!
Jews ain't nuns, dumbass!
Defensive, am I?
*sniff* Okay--I'm busted, aiiight?
Can't pretend I'm cool.
It's a long story.
How do you solve a problem
like Maria? Porn!
That's how it started,
so long ago. tell me why
no Porn-Anon? Why??
Y'all have NO idea
the contraptions I have strapped
under this habit.
Dang! Someone took my
idea for Baby Jesus
butt plugs! Start from scratch!
Mindy's rocking out
I love the anti-ass 'kus
and I love pizza.
Help, I have to ask...
Is mullet family kid
a boy or a girl?
Lee, that's a question
for the ages and has been asked
in 'ku form all day.
We think it's a boy,
but then those frosted tips threw
us for a loop, yo.
I don't think those are
frosted tips. It's a grown-out
sun-in dye job! EEEEEK!
My poor t-shirt needs
one o'them sun-in dye jobs.
I look like a slob.
Poor Mindy, who knew
the tragic legacy of
mullets reached so far?
I think Bike-Hugger
has the right idea. Throaty
love, no arguments.
Out from the woods
the Bigfoot brings the clan
for a photo shoot
Had to schedule this
Group pic soon to make it to
The White Snake concert
I hope I'm better
at this Haiku game than I
was not long ago
Danger! Doesn't this
Guy know better than to fall
Asleep at the wheel.
Wow, I never knew
Amy had a thing for whale
Eyeball cocktail drinks.
Do you ever have
That dream where you are riding
A motorcycle?
Careful what you wish
For, it may not respect you
In the morning, yo!
Mullets? We don't need
No stinking mullets. We've got
Huge borg sphere cocktails.
I just can't do it
I refuse to believe that
Crown girl is real
The eyes are Barbie's
And the smile is too perfect
Her body a child's
The dead giveaway:
The dumb money fan she has
No one's that stupid
LOL, Stu, but
I dream I'm riding on whales
*scared to sleep tonight*
The mullet fam pic
Is surely old, but the mass
Killer is too recent
He probably was
From the south and raped some small
Girl. His niece, perhaps?
Oh dear Chrissy, if
only it WAS a fake. It's
from a pageant site.
Won't link to it since
they seem protective of their
creepy Queenette pics.
Had to do a screen
shot and cut and paste to get
the pic for Smackdown.
They don't let you just
take the photos...guess they're scared
we'll mock them. Oh. Whoops.
So just Google for
"Universal Royalty"
and you'll find the source.
OK, how many
of us just ran to Google
to mock those poor girls?
It is really real?
Oh the horror, I'm almost
Scared to Google it!
On the upside, I
now have a source for crowns, combs,
and tiaras. Squeeeee!
Oh my dear Lord, yo
This is so gross, the poor kids
Sick parents out there
How can they do this?
Put their children on parade
For the world to
mocksee?The photogenic
Contest, did you see? Pretty?
Leilani White, no!!
I'm sorry to mock
An innocent little babe
It's muy funny, though!
Think you can stomach
the sight of a toddler in
pink pumps? Think again.
Even worse: toddler
in eyeliner and lip gloss
and hoopster earrings.
And don't tell me that
it's not for the children. She's
happier than mom!
Oh sweet jeebus, Min.
I could have gone forever
without seeing that.
And oh! The girl's names!
Raelee, Shyanna, Sealey?
Savannah, Kyrstan!
Kyleigh, Rheagan,
Brittney, Griffin! Oh, I could
'ku them all damn day.
I don't wear makeup
Never have and never will
(Wedding exception?)
There's absolutely
No fucking way my child will
Wear it for me, yo
Cause you know their 'rents
Are the ones from weeks ago
Bra-less, white trash, shit.