Ok, y'all know I don't usually do memes much around here, but it's Monday, I have a headache, I'm tired, possibly ovulating, and have nothing better to write about. Besides? I like this one. I stole it from Zoot, who stole it from J, who stole it from someone else and on and on. Etcetera and whatnot.
(Although if you ever come here and find me posting Quizilla results? You can take that as a pretty clear sign that I've finally up and gone "The hell with you people!" and won't be renewing my domain again.)
1. Do you try to look hot when you go to the grocery store just in case someone recognizes you from your blog?
I resent this question, as it implies that one must try to look hot. Looking hot comes naturally to me, no effort required.
Oh, I’m supposed to answer all truthfully and stuff? Well then, yes, I do try to look hot at the grocery store, but mostly in case I run into an old boyfriend. There are a lot of them out there.
(Although? If someone recognized me from my site? That would be the coolest thing EVER. I’d act like it happens all the time though, and maybe act all harried while I scribble an autograph on their coupon for Bisquik or something. I should rehearse.)
2. Are the photos you post Photoshopped or otherwise altered?
No, but not for lack of trying. There’s just no fixing some stuff. I just give up.
3. Do you like it when creeps or dorks email you?
I love dorks. Dorks are my kind of people. But I hate the creeps. And I’ve had the creeps. And they give me the creeps.
4. Do you lie in your blog?
I would say I possess leanings towards extravagant exaggeration and drama-queeniness. In fact, I regularly use “drama queen” as a verb.
5. Are you passive-aggressive in your blog?
What the FUCK is that supposed to mean, honky chicken?
6. Do you ever threaten to quit writing so people will tell you not to stop?
No, but one time I threatened to ditch the Queen of Everything attitude and be nicer and sweeter and I was totally ordered not to. Ha.
7. Are you in therapy? If not, should you be? If so, is it helping?
Not currently. Read into that what you will.
8. Do you delete mean comments? Do you fake nice ones?
I have never, EVER faked a nice comment. Do people do that? For real? That’s…sad, really.
And I have deleted a handful of comments. And I don’t feel bad about it. I have zero patience for illiterate, off-topic or otherwise stupid comments. Like just today, I deleted one that said “the potter movieis are terible.” Way to type, brainiac.
In real life, you aren’t allowed to delete patches of conversation or ban people who get on your nerves, but online you are. And I take advantage of that. I’m extremely open and honest online (my name, my photo, my life), and if I feel like you’re getting too close or disrespecting me, I’ll ban yo’ ass in a heartbeat. Just try me.
That said, I don’t care if people disagree with me or think I’m full of shit. Just type carefully and spell properly and lay off the sex talk unless you’re someone on my “sex talk is ok” list, which I’m not making public. You know who you are.
9. Have you ever rubbed one out while reading a blog? How about after?
Ew. Shut up.
10. If your readers knew you in person, would they like you more or like you less?
Good one. I honestly don’t know. I like to think that I’m pretty funny and interesting in real life. (If by “interesting” you mean “someone who does nothing of note but can find a good story in her day anyway.”) So if you meet me and expect me to perform like a little trained monkey, I just might, since I like making people laugh in real life too.
Sometimes? When I’m talking? I realize that I sound just like my site. Fractured grammar with no punctuation for comedic effect and maybe some made-up words and blah de freaking blah. I’m not sure if people think I’m funny or just think I’m an ass. My mom thinks I’m funny.
Although you might not, because my voice is a lot squeakier than I’d like, because I quit smoking a lot earlier than I’d have liked to. So you might want to slap me instead.
Wait, am I still talking? Have I even come close to answering that question?
11. Do you have a job?
Yes. Editor, writer, protector of puppies, eater of ham sandwiches.
12. If someone offered you a decent salary to blog full-time without restrictions, would you do it?
Um, yes. Duh. I would also accept sit-around-on-my-ass-and-eat-nachos-all-day as a full-time job.
13. Which blogger do you want to meet in real life?
Lauren has a stupid dumb wedding she has to be in that weekend, so I won’t get to meet her. And my heart is BREAKING at the thought. BREAKING. Stupid wedding. I hate it so.
14. Which bloggers have you made out with?
Mindy. And this guy.
15. Do you usually act like you have more money or less money than you really have?
I’m not sure. Do I talk about money? Probably less. Because I have a lot.
16. Does your family read your blog?
17. How old is your blog?
About eight months. I might get some readers soon!
18. Do you get more than 1,000 page views per day? Do you care?
I get about 4,000 hits a week, so do the math. I’m too tired. And hell yes, I care. Deeply.
19. Do you have another secret blog in which you write about being depressed, slutty, or a liar?
20. Have you ever given another blogger money for his/her writing?
I’ve put money in tip jars and bought people stuff off their wishlists. Speaking of which, it’s about time I posted mine, you bitches.
(WARNING: Do not judge me by my wishlist. It is all garbage. Garbage that I won’t buy for myself because I like to pretend to Amazon that I only read Important Books and really don’t watch that much TV. But we all know the truth.)
21. Do you report the money you earn from your blog on your taxes?
Money? What? Taxes?
God, I need to sell some swag. Trucker caps with the Queen of Everything logo and such. That would rock so hard.
22. Is blogging narcissistic?
Does my belly-button look fat to you?
23. Do you feel guilty when you don't post for a long time?
I am racked with guilt. I cry and weep. And then I post some drivel and feel guilty about that too. Woe.
24. Do you like John Mayer?
Yes. My body is a Disneyland.
25. Do you have enemies?
Probably. I can be a bitch.
26. Are you lonely?
27. Why bother?
Well, if you can think of a better way to win friends and influence people, I’d sure as hell like to hear about it.