Haiku Smackdown : Mullets, Drunks & Internet Clichés

Website crashes, long
weekends deter us not...the
Smackdown lives on, yo.

We're disorganized
and a tad drunk, but still we
soldier on for 'ku.

Onward, brave 'kuers!
Through mullets, white trash and drunks!
Lay some smack, bitches!

(Click on a thumbnail for full version.)

Housekeeping

Christ, this site is a MESS. Sporadic updates, lame topics, and where did those stains on the carpet come from?

(Yes, Miss Doxie has a HILARIOUS new entry today so I've got a Journaler Inferiority Complex thing going on. I'd hate her if I didn't love her so.)

Anyway.

First, there will be no advice column today, because nobody sent in any questions. (Or any good not-stupid questions, rather.) Thus, the whole idea peaked, jumped the shark and flamed out in just under a month.

So apparently, I have the power to solve EVERY PROBLEM IN THE WORLD in just four advice columns. TAKE THAT, Dear Abby.

(A live reunion show is planned, however, so you can send any questions to amy[at]amalah.com and they'll be held and cherished until that time.)

Second, the Haiku Smackdown site is down, we know. WordPress ate it. The same WordPress that ate last week's Smackdown. Future of blogging, my ass. In the meantime, the Smackdown will be HERE tomorrow. And hopefully some people will show up. I'm thinking White Trash 'ku again...

Third, Crate & Barrel's delivery guys are lazy, lazy bitches. We were supposed to get our couch today, but the guys showed up, took one look at the three flights of stairs we live up, and said hell no. Because the delivery instructions which said, "Delivery to third floor. No elevator." were obviously a mistake of some kind.

So we're getting a "custom delivery" on Friday, with extra bonus moving people. And now I have that damn Dire Straits "Money for Nothing" song stuck in my head. Fucking delivery people. (UPDATE: It's Tuesday now. TUES. DAY. And I'm all nervous that they'll end up with my beautiful couch stuck in the hallway and tell me I can't have my beautiful couch after all. Fucking delivery people.)

Fourth, we finally have a new Bold & Bloglicious episode, courtesy of Lauren. Watch it, loave it, ponder how long it will take Amy to write the next one.

Part 33: What What?

The One With The Cicadas

So we had another power outage at work today. Nothing major, but just long enough for me to lose today's post. Which was about cicadas (or CICADAS!!! if you live in the thick of the panic). So I'm taking the power outage as a sign that maybe the world will survive without another goddamn post about the CICADAS!!!

Especially since my only original thought about the CICADAS!!! is that the CICADAS!!! are fucking stupid and as a species, totally deserve to die out. I was prepared for the annoyance and the can't-open-my-car-windows-cicadas-will-eat-me factor. But I certainly was not prepared for the carnage. After waiting for 17 years, they emerge with exactly three items on their to-do list. Crawl out of weird shell-thing, make a lot of noise and mate. And for hundreds upon hundreds of them, these three tasks are just way too complicated.

Half of them seem to crawl out of their shell-things only to end up upside down on the sidewalk where they flap and twitch and eventually get stepped on or just cooked in the sun. Squish. Another third of them decide that car tires are a nice place to perch or oh look, a car window or oh look, a goddamn wall. Squish, squish and squish. Another 37.34% of the ones that do manage to mate seem to find a way to get themselves killed during the act.

After noticing among the legions of CICADA!!! corpses littering the city's sidewalks, dozens of dead CICADAS!!! that are connected to each other by the butt region, Jason commented, "Why do they die like that? Is cicada sex really that exciting?"

No, it really isn't. But after witnessing the miracle of CICADA!!! fertilization, we realized what keeps happening. The bugs connect to each other by their hind ends. Then they zig and zag all over the damn place like an airplane with a cockpit and a drunken pilot at both ends. Eventually, the happy CICADA!!! couple slams into a nearby tree. Squish.

And about the only other useful purpose these stupid-ass bugs serve is the opportunity to link to stuff like this.

So what was I saying about the world not needing another goddamn CICADA!!! post?

Squish.