The lovely Miss Lauren wrote a very funny post today about made-up awards for herself at work. I immediately decided to steal this idea, and then went a step further and stole her entire first sentence too.
Of course, her post was really funny because Miss Lauren works for her own damn self, while I, you might be surprised to learn, am a slave to the corporate machine. (Those of you with the patience to plod through this post may now smile weakly at that lame little joke. Go on. I’ll wait.)
And I’ve actually gotten awards. Twice. Well, the awards didn’t have my name on them or anything, and technically belong to the author whose publication I edit, but we’re just going to say that he never would have won those awards if it weren’t for his amazing editor.
But. Still. I obviously deserve some more personal recognition. So without further ado, here are the awards I am putting myself in the running for…
The Bart Simpson Memorial Grammar Rodeo Award. While you might not know it from the labyrinth-like sentences I post here, I’m a damn fine copyeditor. While it’s not primarily what I do, I’m always asked to proofread other people’s stuff. (I have somebody to do all my proofreading. Damn, don’t I sound important?) Quite often resumes and cover letters, but that’s not important. What is important is how great I am at catching typos and grammatical errors and punctuation problems and dangling participles. And extra spaces after periods. I’m amazing at finding those. Which is good, because the entire company would probably crumble if we sent out newsletters with incorrect spacing after periods.
Odds of Winning: About 75%, because our full-time copyeditor is better than me, but she’s a lot shorter than me, so I could probably take her in a hand-to-hand combat tiebreaker.
The Oral Fixation Bite-Mark-Free Pen Award. Just once, I would like to not feel a rush of panic when someone asks to borrow a pen. I don’t just chew on my pens occasionally. I freaking gnaw on them. My pens spend more time in my mouth than they do in the pretty little pen holder cup thing on my desk. I keep a pen in my mouth while I type, people, that’s how bad it is. I have a special pen that I just take to meetings, because it's the one I don't like to chew on so it's not all mutilated. But I think if there was an award and maybe a small cash prize, I could improve.
Odds of Winning: Slim to snowball-in-hell.
The Impressive Array of Important Financial Publications Award. I could so win this one. I have a stack of Barron’s in my office that’s over a foot-and-a-half high. I’m swimming in Wall Street Journals. There’s Kiplinger’s, BusinessWeek and some stray copies of the Financial Times. Do I actually subscribe to any of these? Hell no. But if there’s a free trial subscription to be had, I’m on it. And then I never, ever throw any of the issues away. The stack of Barron’s are from January through March, when I had a free three-month subscription. But you’d never notice that unless you look real close, and I won’t let you because I’m stacking the free Wall Street Journals that I'm currently getting on top. I don’t really remembering signing up for a free WSJ subscription…it just started arriving. Which is cool except that I’m afraid it might be a mistake and a bill will arrive any day now. And that would SUCK because I never, ever read any of this crap. It’s boring.
Odds of Winning: 100%, unless there was a reading comprehension quiz of some sort.