The One With The Cicadas
June 01, 2004
So we had another power outage at work today. Nothing major, but just long enough for me to lose today's post. Which was about cicadas (or CICADAS!!! if you live in the thick of the panic). So I'm taking the power outage as a sign that maybe the world will survive without another goddamn post about the CICADAS!!!
Especially since my only original thought about the CICADAS!!! is that the CICADAS!!! are fucking stupid and as a species, totally deserve to die out. I was prepared for the annoyance and the can't-open-my-car-windows-cicadas-will-eat-me factor. But I certainly was not prepared for the carnage. After waiting for 17 years, they emerge with exactly three items on their to-do list. Crawl out of weird shell-thing, make a lot of noise and mate. And for hundreds upon hundreds of them, these three tasks are just way too complicated.
Half of them seem to crawl out of their shell-things only to end up upside down on the sidewalk where they flap and twitch and eventually get stepped on or just cooked in the sun. Squish. Another third of them decide that car tires are a nice place to perch or oh look, a car window or oh look, a goddamn wall. Squish, squish and squish. Another 37.34% of the ones that do manage to mate seem to find a way to get themselves killed during the act.
After noticing among the legions of CICADA!!! corpses littering the city's sidewalks, dozens of dead CICADAS!!! that are connected to each other by the butt region, Jason commented, "Why do they die like that? Is cicada sex really that exciting?"
No, it really isn't. But after witnessing the miracle of CICADA!!! fertilization, we realized what keeps happening. The bugs connect to each other by their hind ends. Then they zig and zag all over the damn place like an airplane with a cockpit and a drunken pilot at both ends. Eventually, the happy CICADA!!! couple slams into a nearby tree. Squish.
And about the only other useful purpose these stupid-ass bugs serve is the opportunity to link to stuff like this.
So what was I saying about the world not needing another goddamn CICADA!!! post?