Please Report to the Amalah's Office
July 20, 2004
Good afternoon, lovelies.
I am calm and collected today, and only barely on the verge of a spaz attack of some kind. So does that mean this entry will be boring? Possibly. But there are pictures! Pictures are not boring.
Unless they are pictures of my office, which they totally are, so yes. Boring.
(I still have not stopped with the new camera love. I mean, it is SO TINY. And I PUSH A BUTTON and it TAKES A PICTURE. I will NEVER QUIT with the LOVE for this CAMERA.)
Well, I will for awhile, because the battery just died. So no more pictures today. But that is okay, because I already took like, four dozen to bore you with.
Also, I just drank a lot of Coke at lunch. And then a venti iced coffee. (Venti is Italian for "fucking huge ass coffee.") So I am a bit jiiiiittttttttttttttery. Jiiiiittttttt. Ery. I like holding keys down. iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii. Especially the i key. It's very satisfying.
You know what else is satisfying? A good night's sleep. Not like I would know right now, because my darling husband caught my insomnia last night. Allllllll night. I woke up around 3 am because the man was doing PUSH-UPS in our BEDROOM. I yelled at him or threw a pillow at him or something, because then he went downstairs and left comments on all the Judith Light Brigade sites.
The man is strange, yo. And then? To add insult to injury? He worked from home today? Because he was so tired? And he emailed THIS to me:
Bastard. But oh my god, he's so cute.
He also, apparently, took a picture of my near-naked ass with the new camera last night. Which I was not aware of. Until I started going through the pictures on it today and was confronted with a close-up of my own butt. Nice. The only thing that would have been nicer, frankly, would have been if I had discovered that picture while showing someone ELSE the new camera. Like, my boss, for instance. Or Chris.
Because Chris and I had lunch today. Yes. Which is where I drank all the Coke and then decided a venti venti venti was in order. I forgot to take pictures though, except for these, which are of the cup holders in his car.
Seriously. Click on that there thumbnail, chickies, and just BEHOLD that horror. I believe those are jimmies (or "sprinkles" for those of you unfamiliar with the proper phraseology) from donuts. Many, many donuts. The crumpled up receipt is from me, because I am Rude.
So Jason is at home snuggled up with my gorgeous, precious cat, Chris is wallowing in his own filth, and I? Am here.
This is my office. That is my desk. Run, Spot, run!
Several things of note in this picture.
1) The Starbucks travel mug, which I brought from home this morning, that was full of coffee, which you can add to my total caffeine tally of the day.
2) The little Tiffany's bag, which I carried some CDs and the camera in today. That I carry something in everyday. Is that not SO obnoxious of me?
3) The sensual mood lighting from IKEA, for I hate the ceiling lights so that I would rather work in a dim dank cave.
4) The Carbon Leaf poster, recently hung in its place of glory.
5) The wall calendar, which was not my choice, but was my Christmas gift from my company. They also supplied me with refills for my dayplanner. They really want to make sure I know what day it is. But they didn't have to worry, because my underwear tells me that.
This is the other side of my office. Please note the abundance of Important Looking Files and Binders and Finance Books, which are exquisitely balanced with the talking Pets.com sock puppet, Muppet finger puppets, tribble and Justin Timberlake bobblehead. Also Mickey and Eeyore, who is Scotch-taped to the bookcase by his neck. Also also, fake flowers from Target give my office a very homey feel.
I know how to work exactly three buttons on that phone, by the way.
I think I've mentioned my hoard (horde? whored?) of free trial subscription financial newspapers, right? Here they are. They are so pretty and unsullied. And unread.
There is an envelope from The Wall Street Journal in my mailbox at work. It looks important. I am afraid to open it because it might be a bill or something. I don't remember signing up for a trial subscription or anything...it just started showing up. So I will do the adult, responsible thing and ignore it completely.
Anyway. I'm starting to crash a little bit. But there is still so much more!
Like this! This is Van Gogh's ear! For real! I actually won this somehow. Some trivia contest or something. I can't remember. But the ear is actually one of those sticky stretchy things that if you throw at the wall it will kind of climb all the way down. It is Awesome. Except that the last time I played with it I threw it too hard and it just stuck to the wall and left this big greasy mark on the paint. Still. Awesome.
Now we shall move on to the more shameful aspects of my office. (And since you now know that I have no shame in owning a Justin Timberlake bobblehead doll, y'all better prepare yourselves.)
Ahem. First up. Under the desk.
A dark and vile place. Where small shopping bags go to languish and die. Where red pens weep, uncapped and dried out. Where bottles of water sit until swamp life appears. Where I keep a mini-fridge stashed with Coke and chocolate. Where all the Post-Its that I write important things on apparently end up.
Also, look at those boring shoes! Boring boring boring! I hate work shoes! I look like a nun! Wah.
Next up. The DRAWERS. Dun dun duuuuun...
Right. So the first one is the bottom drawer. In which there is a spare hairbrush and lint roller, plus my in-case-of-lunch-emergency backup jar of peanut butter. And honey. And oatmeal. That oatmeal is probably about three years old, as I bought it in a fit of good-breakfast-intentions a very long time ago. I have eaten about two packets. I also keep my lone office Christmas decoration in here, which I just removed from my computer monitor last Wednesday.
And now the top drawer. Which is just full of crap, crap and more crap. Old paystubs, napkins I have stolen from various restaurants, salt and pepper packets, a slot machine pencil sharpener, some dried ancho chiles and pages from my cat-a-day photo calendar that I thought were especially cute. There are about 202 pages in there so far this year. Also my calculator that I use for complicated stock market math, but which only works now if I hold it right up to my lamp.
Anyway. That's about it. Except for this. This was me this morning, before I'd had any coffee at all.
And this is me now.
FACT: Caffeine not only makes you hyper, it gives your skin a near-radioactive GLOW.