(insert timpani-type-banging here)
Yes, this is my make-up case. And this is its story.
I have a lot of cool stuff in there. Like this Tarte cheek stain, which is sort of like a big jellified crayon for your face and makes your cheeks look all rosy instead of that fish-belly death-white color they usually are. You kind of look like you've been standing at a bus stop for awhile on a windy day. And it only cost $26.
I also have this Tony & Tina Herbal Eye Base stuff, which is perhaps the greatest innovation in neutral-colored cream-type stuff ever. You put it on your eyelids before your eyeshadow and it keeps the shadow from smearing or doing that funky eyelid-sweat thing. I keep a travel-sized version in my purse in case of herbal eye-related emergencies. (No, actually, it works as a totally kick-ass concealer too.) $22.
Ooh! Ooh! This stuff is fun. It's my Urban Decay Menage a Trois set of body glitters. Lickable body glitters, y'all. Heh. It's awesome because it's trashy. But because it cost $38, it's like, upscale trashy. (My sister bought me these for Christmas, along with my Care Bear days-of-the-week underwear. Which are thongs, by the way, to answer the burning question many of you just HAD to ask. Care Bear cotton thongs with sparkly waistbands. I am wearing Sunday's pair today, but under protest because of the aforementioned Cheer Bear/Funshine Bear conundrum.)
Time to move on to The Gallery of Regrettable Products, Volume II.
I went through a phase when I wanted to be all natural and dewy. So I bought clear mascara. What? You put it on and it looks like...you didn't put it on. Brilliant! At least brilliant of Sephora, as they got me to hand over $8 for a tube of nothing.
Also from my dewy phase: Revlon Skinlights "Face Illuminator." I'm pretty sure this was bought at a late-night drugstore on a munchies run. It's supposed to make your face shiny. And it does. You get a healthy, natural shine -- similar to the shine you could get after a long night of sleeping on a pillow of French fries. Cost? No idea, although I do remember there was some kind of two-for-one deal on Doritos at the same store that night.
Dude, step AWAY from the purple. Especially glittery purple. I distinctly remember buying this after the first Charlie's Angels movie came out. I also bought purple sunglasses with a little rhinestone heart on the one lens too, so I was obviously quite deranged. Luckily, this is by Maybelline, so it was probably $3 or something. Still not the 99-cent bargain that is the Wet N' Wild Clearance Bin, but still.
This stuff is called "eye polish." I still don't know what it is. When I tried to wear it? I sort of looked like that woman from the Drew Carey Show with the crazy makeup. It also made my eyelids STICK to themselves whenever I blinked. So good thing I went ahead and bought TWO of them.
The single worst lip gloss purchase ever made. And, as you'll in just a moment, I've purchased quite a few. This color, while a lovely wine-ish shade in the tube, goes on magenta. And smeary and sticky and uneven and guaranteed to end up all over your teeth and in your hair and to make you look like the opening credits of the Rocky Horrow Picture Show.
(And I wasn't kidding about the glosses. Here's my collection of glosses, balms and other assorted Things That Make Your Lips Shiny, because non-shiny lips are ugly and un-sexy. And even though I just took this picture this very morning, it is out-of-date because I bought yet another lip gloss at the grocery store today. But it was in the Wet N' Wild 99-cent clearance bin! And look! See how I'm almost out of that Chanel one in the center? That one costs $27. I'm cutting back! I'm behaving!)
(I also lined up my lipsticks for a group shot, but it was too horrifying. 19 tubes. I wear maybe two of them.)
Aaaaannnnddd...that's pretty much about it. Oh, I could go on and on about my really nice Sonya Kashuk brushes that I treat like shit and all my little tubes of sparkles and the bottomless black hole at the bottom of the case, but I won't, because I am sick to death of uploading pictures. And sick to death of this post, actually. I mean, what's next...a photo essay about my sock drawer?
Well, now that you mention it...