Haiku Smackdown: Yadda Yadda Yadda
July 01, 2004
Or, Freaks, Geeks, Creeps & Weirdos (And One Cute Cat Thrown In To Break Up The Scariness)
It's Haiku Smackdown time again, folks. You know what to do, right? No? Okay, here are the rules. And here are the pictures.
Now go 5-7-5 your cold little dark hearts out...
(Pssst...that high school pic? Michael Moore. Carry on.)
What freaks me right out?
Pimp Daddy thinks hes sexy
showin his package
What freaks me right out?
Pimp Daddy thinks hes sexy
showin his package
Go on enlarge it
Blue gauze see thru shirt thingy
He's a SUPERFREAK
Now I will bet you
that billboard ad caused crashes
Near and far away
Vaginal fixin
Who woulda thought of that one?
A man probably
Aw HELL no. Now I
have superfreak stuck in my
head.Help me please!
she's a superfreak
superfreak, superfreak, shes
superfreaky yaaww!
Testing the theory
that everything's funnier
with McMahon and Alf.
Rasputin pickle
No wonder he was a ho!
he was really hung
wonder if he knows
that his pride and joy was chopped
and put on display
Lil Kim, Lil Webster
getting their freak on, bitches.
After? Lil lovin'
A Republican
gave me this haircut. You'll all
pay for this someday.
Lil Kim & Webster
Yo Chris man! Thanks for nightmares!
Freaky skank ho sex.
Kitty is tired
after eating that big mouse
BURP! Time for a nap!
Amy did you know
pimp daddy aint got no drawers?
Yeah, I bet you did!
Only Cyn & Chris
are Ku'in now. Where's the rest?
Tucked in their beds,yo!
Up now one and all!
Why sleep when you can Haiku?
Get your asses up!
Don't work. Ku instead!
Maybe the boss won't notice?
Go on, look busy.
Think smimpy undie
man feels self conscious next to
Rasputin's johnson?
if you look closely
each photo features the theme:
dick or cunt or both
Vaginal fixin
needed after lots of sex
with ole Rasputin
re: Rasputin's rod
She pauses as if to say:
"That will do nicely"
Methinks Glenn should have
said PUSSY instead of cunt.
Poor tired pussy.
News item. Cat dies
of frustration. Tries to eat
fish from screensaver.
Alien life form
invades David Letterman's
body. Much improved.
I dare someone to
call that billboard's phone number.
"I'd like to 'feel right'!"
Oops, Cyn in correct.
I was concerned meter
a little too much.
Can't type/too lazy to preview:
Oops, Cyn IS correct.
I was concerned WITH meter
a little too much.
Have a drink, baby.
Then maybe you'll let me wear
more of your undies.
Women scientists
grow penises in bottles.
No longer need men.
Vaginal rejuv'?
How do you know if you need
one? Can't quite see it.
Michael Moore was cute
in high school. Should have kept hair,
lost the baseball cap.
News item. Lil' Kim
cut in half. Emmanuel Lewis
jealous of her height.
Lil' Kim sings Beyonce
in her head, "Uh oh Uh oh
Uh oh, Oh no no!"
Found poetry. Feel
right. Find love. "Vaginal
Rejuvenation"
Haiku is smacked down.
One haiku for each picture.
Time to go to work.
Lil' Kim and Webster
are gettin' their freak on, yo.
Where is Alex Pappas?
Sweet, Dill or Kosher?
Rasputin's pickled pickle
now at your deli.
I did some research
Rasputin's thing's eleven
Inches, but has shrunk
And he was fucking
The Empress of Russia, poor
Girl.. can we say 'pain'?
Pfft, the pimp's thing ain't
Eleven inches, though his
Stomach might make it
After the picture
Mr. Sexy said he was cold
to explain shrinkage
Moore's presentable
It's a shock, he doesn't look
Like a black bear, yo
Must have been taken
Before he gave up gel for
Political stand
Little known fact that
Lorena Bobbit's great aunt
bottled Rasputin.
Kudos to Coleen
For coming up with the name
Alex Pappas, yo!
Michael Moore found his
soul but it cost him his last
bottle of Frizz-Ease.
Ed thinks: At least I
can't sink any lower than
this right? Right? Hello?
Kitty's been 'kuing
all day and is tuckered out,
having nightmares now.
Chrissy did research
I have a question girlfriend.
was that limp or hard?
Although either way
a force to be reconed with.
He SHRUNK?! From what size?
Now I understand
Why the Empress was his bitch.
"Who's your daddy now?"
Cat slumps in dead faint
Scarred by photo of Lil' Kim
grindin' on Webster.
What's in Webster's hand?
Is that a pen, or a phone,
Or what? Anyone?
"Shemale in Gauze." Part
of Picasso's lesser-known
"Blue Freaks" Period.
Yo, nothing in my
contract ‘bout being second
fiddle to muppet.
With the gut and the
Gauze, you forgot scariest
Part: that weave! Dear Lord!
Message on keyboard?
Suicide note from kitty.
"Humiliated."
Delicate ego ...
dejected at knowing the
company she keeps.
A sobering note--
don't underestimate the
Smackdown's power.
Also: check out the
Modern décor: black and white
Leather spells class, yo.
Billboard makes me think:
Oh god no. Here comes sequel:
The Swan Goes Down South.
Lamar looks away.
He knows the cruel power of
The sexy pimp gaze.
Next exposé should
Be on what the hell happened
Between then and now.
Woman checks out jar
Like she's ready to buy. Um,
Back up, lady. Sheesh.
"On The Scene"? What scene?
Where the hell is this? I don't
Want to end up there.
The hair distracts you
Now, but check out Moore's cave
brow in that picture.
Sorry, should have read:
The hair distracts you
Now, but check out Moore's caveman
brow in that picture.
Pimp in chiffon lies
in wait for date, rraarrr. Please let
champagne be poisoned.
What is it about
Freaky little people sex?
Always turns me on.
WOW Diana Ross
You really let yourself go!
Put on some makeup!
Folks thought Rasputin
immortal, long list of ways
they tried to kill him.
But he knew the truth.
that’s why formaldehyde was
his favorite cocktail.
OH my god! Ewww. Gross.
Star Jones is really a man.
Enjoy the view, yo.
Dude, Emmanuel.
When you get up to heaven?
Biggie gone kill you.
Time to swim with kids
'Sputin and me alike, no
worries 'bout shrinkage.
What you can't see is
Word document filled with ten
million lines of threes
Objects behind glass
may appear bigger than true
formaldehyde swells.
Ah, the trauma of
Lacking opposable thumbs:
No porn for you, cat.
Mighty Mighty... pimp?
Don't you wish that his brick house
would hold *some* things back?
Like a friend of mine says,
Stuff's just funnier with Ed-
McMahon. Even ALF.
Like a friend of mine says,
Stuff's just funnier with Ed-
McMahon. Even ALF.
Rasputin's penis.
The true source of his powers.
Take that, Tommy Lee!
Which is scarier?
Pimp Daddy's sexiest pose,
or the couch behind?
Rick James is scary
when laying on the floor with
his member showing.
Kitty is tired
from way too much e-Bay-ing
with Master's credit card.
Oh Good Lord above!
What a scary thought to have
that schlong on my man!
Who in the world wants
-Ouch!-vaginal surgery?
Rasputin's girlfriend?
How far back in the
archives did you have to dig
to find Ed and Alf?
Michael Moore - ugly
then and now. Get a bag to
cover his head, quick!
Michael Moore - ugly
then and now. Get a bag to
cover his head, quick!
Webster/Li'l Kim, ew!
Now I'll have to poke out my
mind's eye with a stick!
Since Alf likes pussy,
he's Mastermind behind
rejuvination.
Dang! 'Ku-ing is the
Hardest work I've done all day!
Back to the grindstone!
Oh, crap-- I spelled rejuvenation wrong...
Lil Kim and Webster
Under the "Lets Get Small" tag
Who writes this crap, yo?
The cat can't believe
He ate the whole fucking mouse
A bad stomach ache
Where can I buy the
Outfit SUPERFREAK has on?
Gigolo’s R Us!
Once again, let me
remind you: someone had to
Take all these pictures!
Not so bad for most,
But just imagine coaching
The pimp on his pose.
Oh, Anastasia
I can never again watch
That DONG freaks me out!
He must be thinking
I must be on a bender
Johnny looks like ALF
Calling number now
The Genuines might need this
after baby comes.
A senior picture
it always comes back to haunt
but he's not aged well.
Ed McWonders: when
did I arrive on Melmac?
Where did Johnny go?
please God don't let me
need rejuvenation for
those years as a whore
as she looks at dick
she wonders if it might fit
to fix the faucet
Pussy past out cold.
Too Much cybering for puss,
Pussy getting old!
Now I see the theme
it's about dongs and hoohas
Alf eats puss in boots
L'il Kim asks Webster
with her sheepish little grin
"Hey, is it in yet?"
Please do not worry
Audie will be forgiven
but pictures would help.
I wanted to say
Cocks and Pussies are the theme
I had to filter.
I called the number.
She said rejuv's all I need
to get my freak on.
Said some women need
A little "refresher course"
after their babies.
Is Hooha a word?
Hooha rejuvination?
Maybe I should call.