The Wednesday Advice Smackdown Spectacular!
days of wine and fucking roses or whatever

Serenity Now, For Real

To: Self
From: Same
Re: Tuesday’s Little Tirade

You suck at dark comedy. Don’t ever try it again.

While it’s always kind of fun to watch someone come unhinged and sort of implode all over their journal, YOU don’t want to be that person. And you are not that person.

(I have a whole secret blogroll of just sites that have The Crazy written all over them. And you all know what I’m talking about, right? They’re the bloggers who throw tantrums, design all-black skins one day and then fluorescent pink clip-art of angels the next complete with an animated fairy-dust cursor the next. They’ll delete their entire archives one day and then wail and moan about trying to recover them for the next week.  Then they might change their blog’s name to “ASHLEY IS A SLUT BITCH AND I HATE HER.”  They post a lot of poems and song lyrics that get increasingly bizarre and scary and then one day there’s a post that just says “toilet seat gas oven with a toothpaste sandwich I am God.” And then the next day it’s all Page Not Found. Those sites are awesome.)

But that is not this site. So the next time you bang out a slightly manic-sounding post hurridly before lunchtime that you think is funny in a pretend-crazy-morbid way, please remember the following rules:

1. You want people to laugh, not stare gaping at your site while pushing slowly away from their desks and then running off to hug their children.

2. Having someone refer to your post as “psychotic” is also not what you’re going for either.

3. Scaring the HOLY LIVING CRAP out of your mother via the Internet? Not priceless. Mean. And Bad.

4. If your comments have the tone of an entire group of people trying to talk you down off a ledge, you’ve probably gone a little too far.

5. Suicide via letter opener is NOT FUNNY. Someone’s sister’s roommate’s uncle totally died that way.

Although, I did like Sheryl’s recommendation that I post my Amazon wish list somewhere on the site so when readers DO think I’ve completely lost it, for good and official-like, they’ll know what pretty things to buy me. So it’s on the About page now. And it’s sooo the wish list of a sane and balanced person, with the exception of the 12-guage and the 350 rolls of aluminum foil. Those I need for personal reasons that cannot be revealed at this stage of the moon cycle.

Ha! See? That was a joke. Look, here’s a smiley face: :-) 

Smiley faces are totally the sign of sane and normal people on the Internet.  For I am not The Crazy. Not quite yet, anyway.

But I’m sure you’ll read about it here first.

Comments

HG

See, I liked The Crazy.

type a

oh please - i have an entire blog where i do nothing but rant and write poorly. but, it ALWAYS has little pink angels on it, thank you very much.

be grouchy, that's what we're here for.

(did the run on and dangling preposition just drive you crazy?)

Zoot

Shit. I totally just renamed my blog "Ashley is a Slut Bitch WHORE and I hate her". People are totally going to think I stole that idea from you.

Coleen

That was Crazy? Huh, I just thought it was instabilitizationality.

samantha

OH, sweet amalah, we'll take you anyway you come - The Crazy or The Sweet or The Happily Spending Large Amounts of Money...I wasn't scared of you! Especially since I didn't want any cheesecake.

Mir

See now, I just read your comment at Zoot's about always slicing your ankles and not having any hair there, even, and--please see items 22 and 23 on my "100 Things" list--was just preparing to declare you my soul-mate, rant and all. Do not apologize! Do not worry! You are the Queen! Well, okay, you can apologize to your mom, but then stop it. There's a long trip between Justified Cranky and The Crazy.

Amber

I just wish people would leave there oh.so.funny drunken posts up!!

GranolaSpice

Look at you all in control of your emotions and stuff! I'm glad that you are feeling 100% percent like yourself again. Oh, did that just push you back over the edge? Sorry, but I could relate all too well at the double usage of percentage. :)

Michelle

I have this chick who's been devoting her blog to rants about me for the past week now, and I've been reading it just because she's a trainwreck dwelling on shit that happened 12. years. ago. in. COLLEGE. To me? THAT'S crazy, not having a crappy day and wanting to down a whole cheescake. (I'd let you all see, but I don't want to give her the attention she's so desperately wanting. But trust me, it's bizarre.)

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