Things I Don't Want To Talk About
Serenity Now, For Real

The Wednesday Advice Smackdown Spectacular!

Or, Meltdown? What Meltdown?

Um, hi! Welcome to today's Festival of Fake Advice. What? Oh, I'm fine, really. Just a little too much caffeine yesterday, I think. What? Oh, this is a Tylenol. Yeah, well, two Tylenol then. Isn't that what you're supposed to take? Why are you looking at me like that? Stop patting my head! I'm FINE! Jeez. I don't WANT to go in the nice man's car to go for "observation" or whatever crap you just said. No! I won't go! Chief Bromden! Pick up that sink! Put down that pillow!

Dear Amalah,

Why do I hate Jena Malone so much?

-bmh

Ummm…I don’t know, really. Because she spells Jena with just one “n”? That’s kind of annoying. She was in Donnie Darko, which was a really good movie, but she was also in Stepmom, which was really stupid. And while I haven’t seen Saved!, she looks kind of greasy in it and seriously, movies need to not put exclamation points in their titles. It’s annoying. Also, according to the IMDB, in 2000 she won legal emancipation from her mother, who is now barred from interfering with her career and earnings. Well lah-dee-fricking-dah.

But this really isn’t about Jena, is it? This is about YOU. This is about your own dreams of stardom and making out with Jake Gyllenhaal. This is about you losing the lead role in Bastard Out of Carolina to Jena, even though your emotional range ran CIRCLES around hers. Circles! This is about your obsession with Jason Bateman’s hair.

Or you just might hate her because you heard that she’s been cast as Lydia Bennett in yet another fucking remake of Pride & Prejudice, which will star fucking Keira Knightley as Elizabeth, and I really, really hate Keira Knightley.

Amy,

I recently stumbled upon THIS LINK on someone's blog who shall remain nameless so that she will not be associated with my sickness. Now? I cannot look away. I promise you, Amalah, I very rarely ever watched The Facts of Life. I didn’t want the good OR the bad from that show. But for some reason? I can NOT stop reading about Blaire and her thoughts on Homeschooling. Or how she coped with
a child with ADHD. Why? Why can I not look away. How do I make myself quit going back to that site? What is the reason behind my obsession with this site? Help Me.

Signed,
Future Blaire Stalker.

You are obsessed with this site because it is Awesome. Awesome with a capital A. It is the most Awesome site in the history of Awesome.

Why is this site so Awesome? Because there is a BUTTON for you to CLICK ON if you want to accept JESUS INTO YOUR HEART. This is ministry for the 21st Century, people.

Her children are named Tucker, Haven and Clancy.  The last two? Girls. Yeah.

Tucker is starting to date, but not really, because Mom warns Tucker that all girls? Are HARLOTS who want to SEX HIM UP.

Yes, oh yes:

Proverbs 7 – The Gospel According to Mom - Complete With Verse Annotations

1 My son, keep my words and if you value your life,
2 Keep my commands. My law is the law, don’t ever forget it.
3 Tie a string around your finger or tattoo it on your heart.
4 Say to wisdom, “You are my sister” and call understanding, “Mom”
5 Listen to your mother and sister for they will keep you away from the girls.
6 For from my minivan I looked through the window,
7 And I saw a bunch of junior high boys
And one naïve young man, in particular.
8 Passing along the street near the mall;
And entering through Sears,
9 just after dark, before all the stores closed.
10 And there a girl met him,
Wearing a shirt that revealed her belly button and her heart.
11 She laughed way too loudly and she was rarely at home with her parents.
12 She seemed to turn up everywhere, at the mall, the movies,
hanging out at friend’s houses.
13 So she playfully hugged the young man and gave him a friendly kiss on the cheek.
“With a spunky look she said to him,
14 “I just came from youth group and I played the part.
15 I was hoping to see you there and when I didn’t see you
I came looking for you. I’m so glad I found you.
16 I have fixed up my room really cool.
17 I bought a bunch of good smelling stuff from Bath & Body Works.
18 Why don’t you come over and we can watch some videos and make out.
19 My parents aren’t at home, they are away on a business trip.
20 They won’t be back until Tuesday.”
21 With her convincing innocence, he bought it.
All it took was, “I’ve never met a guy I can talk to like you before” and she had him.
22 He fell for it, hook, line and sinker.
23 Till he felt the hook in his mouth.
As a fish swimming for the worm,
He didn’t know it was a trap until it was too late.
24 Now, listen up kids, and listen up good.
I know what I’m talking about:
25 Don’t even look down that path.
If you don’t want to end up where the road is headed
Then stay on the sidewalk.
26 Girls have been the fall of many a strong Christian young man.
They can lead you away from God and you could end up losing your life – at least the abundant one God has planned for you.

See? Awesome. Trainwreck Awesome. Please pass on this wisdom to your child, lest he be tempted by a young succubus in a shirt that reveals her BELLY BUTTON and who smells like SUN-RIPENED RASPBERRY lotion from BATH & BODY WORKS, and then he’ll be led down a path of sin and sex and French kissing. Damn these sexy females! Put them in burkas!

Now if I remember any of the similar lessons I sat through at my Christian high school, this is a full-proof plan for teenage rebellion and pretty much guarantees that while they’ll still definitely have sex, they’ll just do it without a condom because YOU KIND OF LEFT THAT PART OUT OF THE SEX TALK.

But I wasn’t homeschooled, which is probably why I am a dirty sinner in a belly shirt who laughs too loudly and likes to make out with my husband.

Dear Amalah,

I am currently living with my grandmother for reasons not needed right now. It's been really great getting to know what she's like other than major holidays, but something's come up that has made it more difficult. Specifically: The woman's damn addiction to real-life crime dramas, fictional crime dramas, and every CSI-like show on the television airwaves. I love me some Law and Order sometimes, but not three episodes every night. Help!

-Coleen

Oh man, I feel your pain there.  My grandmother used to watch the Food Network 24 hours a day. Which, like you said, I’m all for in small doses, but Jesus Christ, how much Bobby Flay can a person take? And we’re talking pre-Iron Chef Food Network when both of the Fat Ladies were still alive and cooking lard-based abominations every damn day.

It was interesting because my grandmother never cooked and lived mostly on hot salsa and bacon. I was always going through her refrigerator to throw out uncooked pork chops from three years ago or to chase the container of milk that had become sentient, grown hooves and turned feral in the vegetable crisper.

But the thing is, you cannot mess with the elderly’s television. This one time? I kind of told her that Emeril’s show wasn’t really filmed “live.” There was an audience, sure, but he really wasn’t in the studio at 10 am on a Tuesday morning whipping up his Kicked Up Beef Stuffed With Essence Of More Beef right that very moment.

I was very nearly cut out of the will for this.

So unfortunately, you’re kind of stuck with the 24-hour Crime Drama Network of Gran. Until she dies, of course, which is so very evil of me to bring up at all but seriously, weren’t you just waiting for me to go there?

All the crazies out there are encouraged to send their crazy questions to advice@amalah.com and I will give you crazy answers. Or, if I'm feeling kicky, krazy answers.

Comments

bmh

Mmmm... Jason Bateman’s hair...

Mir

Oh! Oh! You also need to know that the omniscient, saved Lisa Welchel has written a fabulous parenting manual which my ex purchased for me because he knew in his heart that I was a wanton harlot. And this book taught me that I should spank my children. Regularly. In between putting hot sauce on their tongues. But it also makes a damn fine coaster.

bmh

Also? Blaire is totally endorsing tattoos!! Doesn't she know that getting ink is the first step to drinking and prison?

Sheryl

Okay, I totally thought you were kidding about the paraphrased chapter of the Bible until I visited this AWESOME sight for myself. Unfortunately I ate breakfast right before.

Future Blaire Stalker

I'm so glad I'm not alone.

Kerry

I must say, I thought I was the only one who hated Keira Knightley. Very glad to see that I'm actually in good company there. And who exactly is it that thinks she's going to be able to be Elizabeth Bennett? That's one Jane Austen movie I'm going to have to skip.

Fraulein N

The Gospel According to Lisa Welchel? High-freakin'-larious.

And what is this about a remake of Pride and Prejudice? Starring Keira Knightley and Jena Malone? And no Colin Firth? I've got two words for that: HELL no.

Me.

Dear Amalah,

Please tell Zoot to give me Sweetie for a possible promotion present. Thank you.

xoxo
Alliteration Annie

Sarah

Your comment on your grandmother's milk? Caused me to spit coffee all over my monitor. Again.

GranolaSpice

I can totally understand where Blaire is coming from. I too, used to be a harlot tempting teenage boys to do things they knew Jesus would frown upon. But then? Mrs. Garrett came into my life and showed me the true meaning of love. Or whatever.

Also? If Colin Firth in a wet shirt can inspire an entire chapter in someone's book, there is NO WAY you can remake that AGAIN. Ugh. Is there?

AnneWhitney

The Lisa Welchel site is sooooo entertaining - I'm just bummed I can't make the Women's Retreat Cruise and spend 5 days on a cruise ship with Lisa and other women like her!
And no way is Kiera Knightley Elizabeth Bennett and no Coline Firth = no Mr. Darcy. Get real.

Hudson

Ouch! I like Kiera Knightley, I like Colin Firth, I love all of Jane Austen's books and yes, I even kinda enjoyed all the remakes...even the 8 hour PBS one.
Shoot, I am probably going to hell, maybe I should go ask Blair for guidance.

Chiara

No, no. When they say "Keira is playing Elizabeth Bennet" what they really mean is "CHIARA is playing Elizabeth Bennet." If this movie comes to light, it is evil and an abomination and the terrorists win. That's all I'm saying.

ben

I cannot believe that someone who can make me laugh so hard that tears are rolling down my cheeks can hate Keira Knightly.

Have you even seen Bend it Like Beckham?

Anon

Hi,

I'm going round every site that Google says "i hate keria knightley" because i've just created an anti keria site and an inviting you to have a look and post on the message board maybe?

http://antikeiraknightley.cjb.net

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