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The Wednesday Advice Smackdown

SAME GARBAGE, MORE WORDS, LESS CAFFEINE

Holy crap, I’m tired. Sorry for the delay in today’s advice spectacular, but I was kind of hoping the Sprinkles/Jimmies war would lead to some violence. Instead, it's just getting embarassing for just about everybody involved. Way too many intelligent adults making "jimmy hat" jokes. Which are funny. But. Still.

Also, I have been waiting ALL DAMN DAY for the office coffee maker to get fixed. Yes, that is right. FIXED.

It’s some complicated coffee-packet-filtration system thing from Gevalia, and today it had a big OUT OF ORDER sign taped over it. I am not ashamed to tell you that I did not handle this well. I may have cursed, and for that I am sorry, especially since that new girl who doesn’t know me was standing right there. New Girl, I am sorry.

I am also sorry for saying those bad things about the mother of the Baby Jesus. That was completely unnecessary.

And I am sorry for the crappy advice I have yet to dispense.

I think that is all the corrections, retractions and apologies for today, so let’s get started. (Wait, one more. I am sorry for stealing that from The Daily Show.)

Dear Amalah,

Why is housing in D.C. so damn expensive?  Are they padding the carpet with benjamins or something?

Dawn

Well, that only happens if you’re buying Marion Barry’s old house.

*rim shot*

Sorry about that. That didn’t even really make sense. Marion Barry’s house would just have crack hidden in the insulation.

*crickets chirping*

Holy crap, I’m tired.

Either way, I love my city and all, but the housing prices are awful damn uppity for being built on a fucking swamp. Seriously. You can just come live in my guest room. I will only charge you $1,750 a month in rent (plus utilities and some light housekeeping), and frankly, I dare you to find a better deal in this town.

Dear Amalah (the Wise and Wonderful),

I am very sad.  John Mayer wrote an article for Esquire magazine where he itemizes his AmEx statement and even though I understand that he's trying to air his DNA stained laundry before someone else does, I don't think he knows how this hurts me.  That was ME having phone sex with him!!  How can he just throw out all we had like it was just a number?  Doesn't he know how special that was?  I mean, he told me my body was a wonderland and everything!

And now I'll only eve be 'that girl who had phone sex with John Mayer' and I wanted to be so much more.  Did Anna Nicole ever have such set-backs in her career?

-Candi Cane, Frontier Girl #693

EXCERPT FROM ARTICLE IN QUESTION:
4/30/04: FRONTIER*CALLUS $1,563.25
Being a rock star means having any girl you want, anywhere, anytime. That's why from January 1 to April 30, I spent more than $1,500 on phone sex. The bulkiest charge occured at the tail end of New Year's Eve, which sounds about right, being that I stayed home to water the humidifiers in my guitar cases."

Holy crap, I’m tired. You know how tired I am? I sent this question to someone else and ordered him to answer it. You don’t know him. He told me to take all the credit. But I cannot, because you know the sort of Crazy that does shit like that.

Anyway, here is perhaps, the best answer of the day. It’s like, researched and shit. This is an answer from someone who Has Not Given Up. Someone who Still Gives A Rat’s Ass. Someone who should start his own damn journal, and stop showing off on mine.

Oh Candi,

For the love of carbs, that is no set back, honey. Not. At. All. Remember, this is the Naugths’ (or the zeros, or whatever the frick else we’re calling this decade). If you play your cards right, this is your meal ticket.

Here’s your game plan. First, you have to lose any and all feelings. Reading Esquire is a good start. So, well done there. You may also want to consider grad school.

Also, here’s a little secret that only Amalah knows about: Guess what Mr. Sensitive used to do before he was Mr. Sensitive? (see paragraph 4).

That’s right, he was a phone sex operator. Not that I ever called. (Much.) So you see, it didn’t hold back his career when he was “soooo in love” with me. It’s not like he’s playing the prom.

Dear Amalah:

Best post-"Growing Pains" career of the entire cast. Also feel free to cover "Who's the Boss?", "Different World", and "L.A. Law".

-Coleen

Holy crap. I’m tired. And this is a loaded question. You think I didn’t learn my lesson after the whole Saved By The Bell vs. 90210 fiasco from a few weeks ago? I got LETTERS, people. Angry ones. Because y’all are crazy.

Anyway. I will cover Growing Pains this week, and that’s it. Feel free to resubmit the other three and any other classic sitcoms, especially ones like Cheers, M*A*S*H and Small Wonder, because those rock and I know lots about them.

THE CAST OF GROWING PAINS: WHERE ARE THEY NOW, ACCORDING TO ME AND ALSO THE IMDB:

Alan Thicke

Well. He’s still alive. I will give you that.

He was the host of Miracle Pets, which I actually did watch once. It was miraculous. If by “miraculous” you mean “lots of old people get rescued from fires by their dogs who probably just wanted food, and also your cat did NOT dial 911 to save your ass, you fucking liar.”

He was also in Lamb Chop’s Chanukah Surprise, which I did not see, and for that I am glad. Also: Betrayal of the Dove (1991), Rubdown (1993) and the underrated “Not Quite Human” trilogy, including Not Quite Human II and Still Not Quite Human. I hear Peter Jackson borrowed heavily from these to make the Lord of the Rings movies.

Alan is currently filming Growing Pains II: Home Equity. Contrary to what you might think, this is a TV movie, not a theatrical release. Yes.

Joanna Kerns

Also alive. Also directing Growing Pains II: Home Equity. Yes.

She was apparently in Girl, Interrupted, which I really liked, because it had lots of The Crazy in it. Also incest and screaming and angst. I do not remember Joanna’s role. Perhaps it would have been more memorable if she had jumped naked off the hospital roof claiming to fly or thrown feces at Winona. That would have been cool. 

She was also in something called No Dessert Dad, Til You Mow the Lawn, and oh my god, if anyone out there has a copy of this I order you to send it to me immediately. Because that sounds so awesome. It also starred Robert Hays.

Kirk Cameron

DUDE. Did you know that Kirk attempted his own sitcom in 1995? Called Kirk? And do you know it was directed by SCOTT BAIO?

I am not even kidding. How did that fail? How?

Anyway. The only other thing of note that Kirk has done is to set up his own creepy religious Web site, a la Blaire Warner. Shudder.

Tracey Gold

Ew. Her IMDB profile is too full of stuff like Stolen Innocence, Dirty Little Secret, She’s No Angel and Wildfire 7: The Inferno for me to spend any time discussing her career. It’s just…sad.

Props for overcoming the eating disorder though!*

*Dudes, I am so not making fun of eating disorders. Well, I am, but not, because I have Been There, Done That, Have Several T-Shirts and The Lifetime of Irregular Periods. So…chill.

Leonardo Dicaprio

Yeah, I think this about answers your question. Although I fucking hated Titanic and wish bad things on all those involved with it, particularly Celine Dion. I will still give you that Leo is a pretty damn good actor, especially one who started his career acting opposite the rest of these clowns.

Dear Amalah,

I sleep way too much. I just can't help it. I need at least 14 hours of sleep a night, then a post breakfast catnap, followed by a few zzz in the mid-afternoon. Sometimes I get in another little snooze after the Simpsons and before dinner. Sleep sleep sleep sleep sleep. And not only do I sleep a lot (did I mention 14 hours?) but I just drop off at the drop of a hat. I just lie down all snuggly under the covers and in a few seconds I'm off in Dreamland. I never have to lie there and stare at the ceiling or poke my husband's toes or do push-ups. Can you help me with this terrible *yawn* affliction?

Your Friend,
Well Rested

FUCK YOU.

Holy crap, I’m tired.

 

 

 

Want to see your hilarious question wasted? Do you have a beautiful comic setup for me that you'd like to see me totally drop the ball on? Then send it on to advice@amalah.com and then tune in next Wednesday for more of a great gimmick gone horribly awry!

Comments

Oliquig

Joanna Kerns played Winona's mother, and I saw the No Dessert... movie. If I remember correctly, the kids hypnotize the parents (Kerns & Hays) into doing the kids bidding. How sad is it that I remember all this. By the way, thank you for hating Titanic, one of the worst movies ever made.

Martha

Amy, you forgot to mention that Tracey Gold was on Celebrity Mole last season! What greater accomplishment could there possibly be? She wins, hands down. I predict that she has a religious website of her own within weeks.

bmh

Holy Hell, I thought you were kidding about the Home Equity movie. That's just... oy. I need more crack.

Thank you for not including "Ashley Johnson" in the line up, cause she was so very annoying on that show.

(Tracey Gold came to my school to talk about eating disorders. Once I got over the urge to shout out things like "Where's Boner?" it was actually pretty good. But, really... where is Boner? Does he need his Jimmy Hat?)

samantha

okay, you absolutely MUST STOP BEING SO DAMN FUNNY. I'm having to swallow all my laughter since my boss is in the next room.

samantha

also, Your Body is A Wonderland, for a senior song? How messed up is that? Is any OTHER motherly person out there concerned about these kids?

Zoot

Okay. Story to make ALL YOU FOOLS feel old.

LilZ was watching Full House, as we know he does, and I heard the "TV AUDIENCE" screaming and I said "Whats going on LilZ?". He said "I dont know - some guy, DJs cousing, just came in the door and everybody's screaming".

It was Kirk Cameron. And he looked like a baby. *sigh* what happened to the good old days.

Otherwise? Good advice Amalah. "Fuck You" part, that was my favorite.

Fraulein N

Hee hee. "Rubdown." Was that on Cinemax, by any chance?

Also, this is real? With like, production assistants and key grips and shit? Oh, I don't even know what to do with that information.

Amy

I thought since you seem to be "collecting" has-been stars' religious websites you would enjoy checking out Bibleman, Willie Ames' (from Eight is Enough) contribution to Christian goodness.

Alektra

Kirk Cameron and his wife (a member of my parish back in the day) run a camp for disadvantaged youth, from what I remember. He donates all the money from any Christian TV acting (and Growing Pains stuff) to the camp.

So wacky? Yes. But a good guy anyway? Aw, I still love you, Mikey.

Amalah, you are wonderful. I understand insomnia all too well and hope you get through it soon!

Coleen McDee-Jimmy

Dude. You forgot about the OTHER brother - Ben!

Jeremy Miller was the voice of Linus, "Shalom Sesame" as a special guest himself, and in both Growing Pains movies. Oh, and he was in `Dickie Roberts: Child Star`, because it is a damn LAW that you had to have a cameo in that damn movie.

keepergirl

Kirk Cameron also has a scary religious program on cable. I must say that I am looking forward to a crazy Jim Bakker-type career meltdown sometime in the near future.

keepergirl

Kirk Cameron also has a scary religious program on cable. I must say that I am looking forward to a crazy Jim Bakker-type career meltdown sometime in the near future.

Kristi

A'right Amy, I was totally going to call you on forgetting to mention Jeremy Miller (Ben) and Ashley Johnson (Chrissy) but I see that others have reminded you. Of course, the two of them by all rights should be forgotten as their acting abilities paled in comparison to the rest of the cast (and that? is saying something!)

Sheryl

I did not know Leo was ever in growing pains, which is why you are the Queen Of Everything. I hope you are able to get some sleep tonight!

Suzanna Danna

Amalah, sweets... one word... Sonata. Seriously, it rocks out with it's cock out. Well, not that it has a... never mind.

Sonata is a wonderful drug, it is a hypnotic so it is not habit forming.

Me = diagnosed insomniac since the tender age of zygote. I have been able to make a habit of sleeping well with the help of Sonata and the habit has stuck.

Please call your family Dr., oh, and if you don't want to do that... my mother swears by Tylonol PM.

Hope you get some sleep soon hon.

Rbelle

Strangely fascinated with the Kirk Cameron web site. The guy has six kids. He has been a very busy boy.

Zandria

Can I have one of those "Been There, Done That" t-shirts, too?

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