days of wine and fucking roses or whatever
Best Weekend Plans Ever

Things That Are Making Amy's Head Hurt Today

(Ahem. A little background, if you must know.)

1) Light.

2) Air.

3) That shirt you are wearing.

4) That relentless, infernal "breathing" thing you insist on doing.

5) The fact that there was, apparently, a seven a.m. this morning.

6) The mental energy I have spent pondering my underwear.

7) No, for real. Because why does the Care Bears days-of-the-week panty for Friday have Funshine Bear on it? Shouldn't Funshine Bear be on Sunday's pair? Because he has a sun on his tummy? Sunday's pair has Cheer Bear on them, which would make much more sense on Friday, because you cheer "Yay, Friday!" on Friday.

8) Also the amount of anguish typing all that caused me because I'm thoroughly confused about whether a pair of panties should be referred to as singular or plural. It/them? Has/Have? What?

9) My looming four p.m. print deadline for this damn newsletter that has been in production for SEVEN DAYS and I am still finding misplaced apostrophes.

10) Also, is Funshine Bear a he or a she?

11) How loud my car radio came on this morning when I started the car.

12) That girl who is SUPER CHIPPER and positively SHRIEKED "Good Morning!" at me this morning. Oh my god.

13) This guy on the phone right now who is responsible for all the misplaced apostrophes in my life and who is totally fishing for compliments about his writing.

14) My own damn chirpy telephone voice.

15) The plight of Zoot and her paranoid fucktard of a boss. And how many times I keep going to email her things because I'm stupid.

16) The mortgage calculators at

17) How badly I want this one house and how afraid I am that it will be sold long before we get to look at it.

18) My ponytail. Or possibly my hair follicles. I can feel them growing. Ouch.

19) The number 19.

20) The word "contrarian." Shut up, word.

21) The nagging suspicion that I will never write anything as funny as that last post ever again and people will just leave comments like, "Hey, remember that drunk post you did? You should do more like that." And I will sacrifice my liver to keep y'all entertained and end up dead in a ditch of alcoholism like Edgar Allan Poe or whoever that author was who ended up dead in a ditch of alcoholism.

22) The fact that I wrote "dead in a ditch of alcoholism" instead of "dead of alcoholism, in a ditch" twice and could not sum up the energy to fix it.

23) The bags under my eyes. Nay, the shopping bags under my eyes. Nay, the shopping CARTS under my eyes.

24) The number of times I have used the phrase "the fact that" in this post.

25) The fact that this stopped being funny 17 numbers ago.



Now I think it would be much more interesting to have it say: Death due to blogging. Since that's the reason you were becoming drunk for in the first place.

your personal handmaiden now and forever

26)-- #25 is SO wrong!


I can name at LEAST six posts off the top of my head that are just as funny as the drunk one from last night.

(Crap. That sounds oddly stalker-like, like I'm keeping mental records of your posts and memorizing the word for word, which I am, but not because I'm a stalker, its just because you're damn funny.)

So spare the liver, and send the wine to me.


I'm so sad I know this- Funshine is a he (and should totally be on SUNday. What were they thinking??).


Darn it! And I had just gotten over last week's obsession with Strawberry Shortcake. Now I'm stuck on the Care Bears...luckily, I think my mom still has my old Care Bears video and we are going to see them this weekend. I miss the Care Bears, but not as much as this girl. Who I'm not sure was even alive when they were around the first time.


But, in good news, I totally love you (truly, madly, deeply)... and perhaps even moreso now that I know you have day-of-the-week Carebear undies.


Is it wrong that i know that Funshine bear is a boy? Hmmmmm......maybe I should look for some Care bears boxer briefs...


I was reading something about My Little Ponies today and they were running ramped around my head. Now I have the nagging thought that you have a way too happy boy on your ass (or maybe on another unmentionable area?) all day today. Lucky boy.

Yep, Funshine is a boy. I remember stupid crap like that.


#26 - Other JLB member who were not hungover AT ALL this morning, and in fact have been cheery and chipper to you all damn day.



Where did you get the Care Bear day of the week undies? I want them, or some kind of day of the week undies, but I cannot find them. Anywhere. At least not in a size my butt will fit in to, for my butt is a size 8, not a size 2 like your perfect little ass.


I quite liked "ditch of alcoholism!" I'll be the one in the corner, half-submerged in the fetid puddle.


Wait until the ditch becomes a crevice!

Fraulein N

#25? WRONG. And I would dearly love to come knock some sense into #13 for you.


I just need to know where you purchased the Care Bear days of the week panties? Thanks.

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