(Ahem. A little background, if you must know.)
3) That shirt you are wearing.
4) That relentless, infernal "breathing" thing you insist on doing.
5) The fact that there was, apparently, a seven a.m. this morning.
6) The mental energy I have spent pondering my underwear.
7) No, for real. Because why does the Care Bears days-of-the-week panty for Friday have Funshine Bear on it? Shouldn't Funshine Bear be on Sunday's pair? Because he has a sun on his tummy? Sunday's pair has Cheer Bear on them, which would make much more sense on Friday, because you cheer "Yay, Friday!" on Friday.
8) Also the amount of anguish typing all that caused me because I'm thoroughly confused about whether a pair of panties should be referred to as singular or plural. It/them? Has/Have? What?
9) My looming four p.m. print deadline for this damn newsletter that has been in production for SEVEN DAYS and I am still finding misplaced apostrophes.
10) Also, is Funshine Bear a he or a she?
11) How loud my car radio came on this morning when I started the car.
12) That girl who is SUPER CHIPPER and positively SHRIEKED "Good Morning!" at me this morning. Oh my god.
13) This guy on the phone right now who is responsible for all the misplaced apostrophes in my life and who is totally fishing for compliments about his writing.
14) My own damn chirpy telephone voice.
15) The plight of Zoot and her paranoid fucktard of a boss. And how many times I keep going to email her things because I'm stupid.
16) The mortgage calculators at Realtor.com.
17) How badly I want this one house and how afraid I am that it will be sold long before we get to look at it.
18) My ponytail. Or possibly my hair follicles. I can feel them growing. Ouch.
19) The number 19.
20) The word "contrarian." Shut up, word.
21) The nagging suspicion that I will never write anything as funny as that last post ever again and people will just leave comments like, "Hey, remember that drunk post you did? You should do more like that." And I will sacrifice my liver to keep y'all entertained and end up dead in a ditch of alcoholism like Edgar Allan Poe or whoever that author was who ended up dead in a ditch of alcoholism.
22) The fact that I wrote "dead in a ditch of alcoholism" instead of "dead of alcoholism, in a ditch" twice and could not sum up the energy to fix it.
23) The bags under my eyes. Nay, the shopping bags under my eyes. Nay, the shopping CARTS under my eyes.
24) The number of times I have used the phrase "the fact that" in this post.
25) The fact that this stopped being funny 17 numbers ago.