Packing Diary II: The Packening
This Post Has No Pictures At All

"Weekend" -- A Musical Extravaganza In Three Acts

Am back. Y’all missed me, right?

Well, not really, Amy. You never update over the weekend so I don’t even bother to come visit and was only vaguely aware that you were somewhere besides sitting on your own couch all weekend.

Miserable bastards.

Oh yeah, I totally missed you. Bitch.

(stony silence)

Ok, ok. Please tell me all about your frigging weekend already. Post some pictures and then shut the hell up.

Thank you!  I had a lovely weekend, actually. It was quite busy. But right now I’m having that “oh shit oh shit oh shit” feeling that comes from taking a WHOLE DAY OFF from work and then coming back to HOLY MOTHER OF STARBUCKS TORNADO O’ WORK PANIC PANIC SHIT SHIT SHIT.

Also, the CAPS lock key! I missed you, CAPS lock key! I brought you some taffy.

I am really, at this point, just trying to remember to keep up with the breathing.



I drove up to Pennsylvania on Friday morning-ish. It was an uneventful drive, except for the eventful parts. All of which involved my E-Z Pass.

Now usually I would have great contempt for “E-Z” anything. But I love my E-Z Pass. You have your own special little lane at tolls that you drive through and you never, ever have to worry about having dollars. Because I never have dollars.

(Seriously. My lunch on Thursday was completely ruined by a BITCH coffee and sandwich place that was not Starbucks that would not let me charge an iced coffee because of some stupid $5 minimum charge policy.)

Anyway. E-Z Pass is great. You occasionally get the morons who drive in the E-Z Pass lane and don’t realize it until the last minute, but these people are not the fault of the E-Z Pass.

I drive through three tolls on my way to my parents’ house. Two in Maryland, one in Delaware. I drove through the first toll and the light didn’t turn green. It turned red, then yellow, which confused me. Do I…drive?  With caution? Did I pay the toll? With caution?

I figured maybe I drove through too fast. But the same thing happened at the next toll. And since I am a Good Girl who is terrified of the words “toll violator” but who is also helpless and wussy, I called Jason and ordered him to call the E-Z Pass people and yell at them.

But he was busy doing work stuff so I decided to be a grown-up.  At the Delaware toll I pulled into the “E-Z Pass Customer Service” building, and walked in and asked for some E-Z Pass Customer Service. Except that I was a Maryland E-Z Pass Customer, and therefore was ineligible for E-Z Pass Customer Service in Delaware.

Fucking Delaware.

So I get back in the car and drive through the regular toll, with all the regular people, and I hold out two lone dollars I managed to find in my purse. The toll lady ignores me completely, so I hold them out higher and wave them a little bit. She says something to me that I cannot hear at all. Here is the rest of the story:

Toll Booth Bitch:  *mumble mumble kvetch*

Amy: What? Also, look, dollars!

Toll Booth Bitch: *mumble mumble E-Z Pass*

Amy: (takes a wild guess) Yes, I know my E-Z Pass is not working. Here. Doll. Ars.

Toll Booth Bitch: YOUR E-Z PASS PAID.

Amy: (thoroughly confused now) What? But it hasn’t been working right at the last two…


Amy: (mouth drops open, gets the big and watery Precious Moments eyes)

Amy: (recovers) 




Dad and I went to a Phillies game Friday night after it miraculously stopped raining humungous buckets of water.

I sat behind a woman who had the largest head ever. We called her Big Giant Head. Her husband? Next to her? Not a small man himself.


Luckily we got to move over so the game was not obscured by Big Giant Head anymore.

The three stages of baseball, as played by Amy and Amy’s Dad:


1) At the game, but before any beer.

2) At the game, after beer, after the home team scored.

3) At the game, after several beers, after the home team completely blew it.

Yes, the Phillies lost. Congratulations Chicago. And to any Chicago readers, please know that I mean absolutely no offense when I say that Chicago Cubs fans have no sense of humor, are mostly ugly and also smell bad.

But they do have normal-sized heads. I will give you that.

And oh! We were on TV! For real!  A whole bunch of people saw us and called my mom to tell her about it. V. exciting. Actually, most people only recognized my dad. Obviously, I have not posted enough damn pictures of myself on the Internet.



On Saturday I went shopping with my mom. I bought many things. Many, many things.

But the only picture I have of that day is this:


That’s a garbage can at the mall’s food court. It fucking TALKS to you. It says, “Thank you!” after you put garbage in it.

I thought maybe if you waved your hands in front of it the flap would open for you so you could avoid touching the germy trash flap. That would sort of make sense. But it does not. It just thanks you for your donation of trash.

It would also be cool if it yelled at you for throwing away recyclables. Or maybe snapped closed on your hand if you were wasting food. But no. ‘Tis a stupid trash can. But polite!



On Sunday, it was the long-awaited and much-hyped meeting of the JLB Philly girls. It was fun. FUN. And you were not invited. Better luck next time!

Aren’t we pretty?  Say we are pretty.




After brunch I called:

1)  My mother, to let her know that Coleen and Diana were, in fact, exactly who they claimed to be and were not 45-year-old gang members who lured me to brunch to keel me or sell me into white slavery over eBay.

2)  Jason, to let him know that I’d be home in about two hours. Maybe two and a half.

Like four hours later? Was still on the road.

My E-Z Pass was working correctly again, but it was not such the timesaver this time because Delaware only had one E-Z Pass lane open.

Fucking Delaware.

Also light drizzle in Maryland means you must go verrrrry slowly lest you go careening around a slight bend on 95 and lose control completely and end up in a ditch and die. In fact, it’s better if you put your car in neutral and just sort of coast home. You’ll get there eventually.



I am in love with Bed Head After-Party. I have been searching for this product my entire life.


Too bad it sort of looks like a sex toy of some kind. I mean, I don’t love it like that. Except that I totally do.





Okay. I had many smart and witty things to say about your weekend. Then I saw the sex-toy. And it said "Bed-something" on it. So even when you SAID it was not a sex toy? I'm still thinking you posted a picture of your vibrator and all smart and witty comments are gone as I sit here giggling at my parents reactions if I started posting pictures of sex toys, OR My penis cake from my lingerie shower on my blog.

B/c its always about me, evidently.

Anywho --- Glad your back. And you and your daddy are the cutest in the world. I love those pictures, sorry your team lost.


Amy, I would totally put that BedHead product somewhere prominent, especially when your parents, or any other older type people stop by. It deserves it's own little pedestal. And the designers of that package should be promoted. Honestly, how that one made it on the shelves is beyond me!


Oh, and I needed to add that I feel the same way about Cubs fans (I'm a White Sox fan, we hate those yuppie pricks who worship the Cubs - they are total losers).


That totally is a vibrator, Amy. There's no denying it.

And y'all are pretty!


you and your dad are the cutest couple ever. I love you guys.

That's creepy, seeing as how I don't know either of you, but you're so damn lovable looking!!

So, I love you!


Scarlett Cyn

Y'all are all such pretty ladies! And I'm so damn jealous. Sigh.

I MISSED YOU AMY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Welcome back. You and your dildo/hair product. Actually, that is pure marketing genuis right there. You just KNOW a woman designed it, huh? Damn, she should be made Vice President of TIGI. Personally, I like Root Lift by them, but last I saw, the packaging wasn't as dual purpose. How sad.

Your post? Brilliant as usual. And I totally love your daddy. He is adorable. Just like you! Awwwwwwww.

Welcome back darlin!

Fraulein N

Whoa! Someone in the Bed Head packaging department is having a good laugh right about now. Hee. You and your JLB partners in crime are in fact pretty, and you and your dad are so cute together.

So ... glad you had fun this weekend, the photo essay (as always) ruled, but I. Must. Know: where is the talking trash can located? What? I just want to see it in person. A lot.


And here I thought nothing in Philly was polite. The trash cans...whodathunk?


The BedHead stuff made me spit out my lunch. That's hysterical!

Also? Go Cubs!!! Wahoo!!!!


Amy, I completely agree with you about Cub fans being humorless, ugly, and smelly, because I am from the Part of Illinois That Is Not Chicago, and therefore am a St. Louis fan, and everyone knows that St. Louis fans only root for two teams .... the Cardinals, and whoever is playing the Cubs.

P.S. Please, as Queen of Everything, you must make Zoot post a picture of the penis cake from her lingerie party. The internet needs more pictures like that!


Okay, you still damn funny. I'll try and get all this in one comment:

1) the EZ Pass thing rocks. Except when you have Little Ones in the car that like to scream out "TOLL TAG" every time they see a toll booth, and usually do so when you are trying to complete a very tricky lane change where you wedge yourself between an Expedition and a Escalade while travelling at 91 MPH. Everyone drives bumper to bumper at 90 MPH on Texas toll roads, even if it's raining, since the point of the Toll Road is to get you there faster.

2) It boggles the mind that you actually like crossed two or three states in "two and a half" or even "four" hours. In four hours I'd be lucky to make it to Dallas (same state, not even halfway across)

3) the garbage can? They have those at our local Mickey D's and they actually open and then say thank you there. But then they do this trash-compactor thing where the light flashes and you can't throw anything away, so you have to walk around to find a normal (non talking) trash can that doesn't have the light on to throw your stuff out. Or do like everyone else and leave it sitting on top. Yay for high-tech trash cans.

4) You. Are. Pretty.

5) About the light drizzle? See (1). But also let me say that when we have a wreck on our roads, it's freakin' spectacular. Lots of cars, in lots of piles, and often Careflight is involved. We ain't that smart.

6) Glad you had a good weekend!


Shit, I forgot to post about the obvious sexiness of the bed head product. Ditto all the above (and I wanna see the Zoot Peni Cake, too)


Bed Head. Huh. I think it just lived up to its name.

And you're adorable with your dad. And with the other JLB girls. So, fuck you, Amy, you're the prettiest, too!


You and your dad are just the cutest ever. Especially his pouty "Bastard Cubs beat us" face. Awwww.


Hey, my E-Z Pass isn't so E-Z either. It up and died on me. But do I remember this as I breeze through the E-Z Pass Only lane? No. I just fly through the lane and look at the pretty flashing red lights and listen to the loud bells. About 30 seconds later it hits me :-)

Fantastic pictures! I looks like you had a wonderful weekend!! :-)


We have an EZ-Pass thing out here but not for tolls. Here if you pay more money you get a special lane that has less traffic. It makes me very happy until I pay $7 and get stuck behind an accident in the FastTrak lane. Fucking EZ / Fast.


Tolls? EZ Pass? What?

I could however totally relate to baseball with your dad, and the bedhead products. Oh! And hating Delaware. Just seems awfully loathsome.

Also? My goodness y'all are pretty! :)


you are so pretty, even when your team loses. And how awesome is it that you get to DRINK BEER with your dad? I'm glad you had fun with the JLB. And the Bed Head product? How funny! How can anyone resist that package - hee hee.


JLB girls are damn pretty. Even if they do own pink vibrators masquerading as hair care products.

Also? The ballgame pics? Worth way more than a thousand words, in my humble opinion!

type a

first of all? the cubs fans? mean. very, very mean of spirit. last year? game 5 of the playoffs - braves v. cubs - UGLY. i actually started fights and i don't even like baseball, but they were MEAN!!! MEAN!

also, what does this bed head do? i NEED hair products. need.


Two things:

Your dad is so precious! He looks like such a cool guy.

The Bed Head After Party really does look like a sex toy. I thought that even before I read you'd written it. Strange minds think alike?


Those damn rose petals! I learned that the hard way on my very expensive egyptian cotton sheets. Thought I'd give hubby a surprise. Boy was he surprised when he brushed the petals off the sheets and there were stains EVERY. WHERE.!!

Love your pictures. You are cute, cute, cute.

bond girl

So pretty!

Also, Delaware sucks a lot!

Also, I need some new product due to my new short hair and I am very grateful for this fine recomendation.


Your dad is soo cute! I love his grumpy/sad face as well. EZ Pass? I am jealous of your EZ Pass. When I drive home to Wisconsin, I pass many, many tolls and wish I had one of those. I hate chucking my change at those basket things. Because of my uncoordinatedness, I miss sometimes, making my husband laugh and point at me.

I'm so going to buy that Bed Head stuff and freak my husband out by having a "There's Something about Mary" moment and insist that it is hair gel.

feisty girl

Kay, I either would have cried as I drove away from the toll person, or totally have thrown my car into park, and cut the engine until they apologized.

Also, your bed head looks totally dirty. LOVE it.


So very pretty. Must be a Philly thing. And if Delaware sucks with the E-Z Pass as much as Illinois with the I-Pass, then I am so very very sorry.

Suzanna Danna

Pretty. Pretty. Pretty. Pretty. Pretty. Pretty. Come to Texas ya'll. Pretty. Pretty. I should have registered for J-Con. Pretty. Pretty.

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