Amalah: The South Beach Album
Return of the Smile

A Post About It

("It" being "The Crazy."  Or in this case, "The Cryptic." It probably won't make a damn lick of sense to you. Blah.)

It has not been a good week and a half.

My meds are being switched and my doses upped. I'm coming off one antidepressant so I can start a new one tomorrow. Hopefully one that will do a bloody damn thing. I'm doubling my dosage of the mood stabilizer that was already kicking my ass pretty convincingly.  I'm "a little ball of nervous tics," as my doctor observed, and am preparing for "four to five days of feeling like total shit." (Also my doctor's eloquent words.)  My head is buzzing, my limbs are trembling, I feel nauseous and tired and am this close to total nuclear meltdown at any given moment.

In the three days since I've been back from Miami, I've managed to wreak absolute havoc in my life and in the lives of several people I care deeply about. Feelings are hurt and wrists are bandaged and I am closer than ever to losing my tenuous grip on reality.

(And how are you? Jesus.)

Right now, I'm feeling an acute sense of loss. My skin is stinging with it and there's a scooped-out portion of my chest that I would very much like back. Decisions had to be made for the sake of my own diminishing sanity. Tough decisions. Smart decisions. Closing doors on certain relationships and refocusing energies on others.

One particular door was closed today and it was The Right Thing to do. On one hand, I feel hopeful. For the first time in awhile. Things will be okay and I will get better.

On the other hand...well, it kind of feels like the other hand was caught in the doorframe when the door slammed shut.

Why does doing The Right Thing have to hurt so damn much?


Scarlett Cyn

Oh honey. I wish I could tell you. I wish to hell I knew why it hurts so much. Do me a favor, willya? If you find out, will you clue me in too?

Sorry you are going through all this absolute shit. I've been there... exactly where you are, and it ain't pretty. Not by a damn longshot.

Take a deep breath and hang in there. Find comfort where you may. And... try not to choke the life out of anyone, no matter HOW tempting it may be. Okay?

Love you darlin. MWAH (from the heart).



Sometimes what it looks/feels like from inside the middle of it is not a good predictor of how it will feel once you're out of the fog. It'd be nice if you could just do some hypersleep or something while everything worked out, but barring that, cling to the knowledge that it's not always going to feel this bad. I promise. You're doing GREAT.


While I can't pretend I understand everything you're going through right now, I'm thinking of you and waiting through it with you. And I'm definitely not the only one.

Here's to the light at the end of the tunnel, hon.


Sorry things are so rough. I think most of us have been on the verge of losing our grip on the edge of the cliff. I hope you can take a little comfort in knowing you're not alone. Baby steps. You get points for showering and dressing, and making it through one more eternally long day. (((hugs)))


You have my number, sister. Call whenever.


I'm another one who can't say I understand what you're going through. But I would listen to the ones who do. They seem to give good advice, or comfort, actually.

Perhaps this is just something in your life to look back on later and see that it happened for a reason. I don't know, I'm probably just talking rubbish.

I hope that this will pass for you soon and that everything will become clearer for you.


Miss W

I just want you to know that I am always here. Whenever and for whatever. Even during the last eight years after you left TU, when I had no idea where you were, I thought of you often and prayed for you.
I know that you will come out of this ok, that you will continue to grow and become stronger. I just hope that it happens quickly so you don't have to suffer through so much pain.


I went through the same thing, and believe me I feel your pain.
My doctor put me through FIVE different meds before he figured out which was best for me, but all of them came with a nasty side effect (weight gain, nervous tics, psychosis, liver problems). Now I'm living pill-free, but I remember what it was like trying to just find that one something that would be more of a help than a hindrance. Best of luck to you.


Amy... like Orrie, I've been there too and I feel horrible for you. Truly. I nearly lost my job because I was over-medicated and didn't know it. My boss thought I was dabbling in cocaine or something, I was just so whacked out. I alienated everyone in my life, lost my boyfriend, and nearly drove my roommate to kick me out before it all got fixed.

What I'm saying here is, I'm sure you feel as alone as a human being can feel... but you need to know that you're not, and that if you ever need to talk to someone who's been there, so many of us would be more than happy to talk with you. Not that talking with strangers necessarily appeals to you, but please know that we're here and you WILL come out on the other side.

Life will feel good again, I promise you that.


i can't relate to what you're going thru, but am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason and that when you come out on the other side (because you WILL) you will be all the stronger for it. i'll keep you in my thoughts girl.


Damn! I hate that slamming door one! Hang in there! *hug*


I've been there, sister. I'll be thinking of you and sending good vibes your way. I know it's a difficult time, but you're heading towards something better, right? Just try and hang through all of the shit, and know that you have lots of people who care what happens to you.


It'll be ok :) /platitudes
It sucks, and I'm really sorry. I know where you're at, I'm about to switch meds myself. I'll be thinking happy thoughts (those which I have) in your direction.

type a

at least you're still articulate and hilarious and intelligent and witty, right? and oh so pretty, right? and tan?

cliche, platitude, cliche, cliche. platitude. sending you all the very best-est vibes, girl.


Lord, EVERYONE needs a hug this weekend. Oy.

I hope they figure out your meds and that, at least, gets settled right quick. The last thing you need is to mess with THAT shit, on top of everything else.

As for everything else, I hope that all works itself out, too. I'm sure you made the right decisions, even though it was hard and sucky and all of that nonsense.

Make Max and Jason and your new little mini-puppy give you lots and lots of hugs for me.

Suzanna Danna

glad you're back, love the pup... hope you're doing a bit better.


Big hugs to you, girl. May you reap much joy for all those (f-ing) tears, and very soon.

Thinking about ya ...


If I may...reading between the lines...he is hurting, too, doesn't understand, doesn't get it.
You recognized what you'd be losing by continuing where you were going and he's still at 'what the ---- happened?'
Sometimes being right doesn't mean being happy.
(Stick with the meds-if this one works it will happen for you right away-but dammit Amalah
I'm not a doctor and this may be out of line)

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