Amy Gets An "F"
August 30, 2004
Well then.
When I said I'd be back "tomorrow," I obviously had some pretty high hopes for my weekend, none of which included spending the majority of it in a panicking panicked ball of panic.
And when I said I'd be back with "the funny," I was obviously on crack.
At some point last week, I began to suspect that my meds were not working. I was right. They failed in a spectacular fashion.
Insert your own damned clever crash-related metaphor here, for my brain is muddy.
I swing wildly between why-even-try-anymore-depressive lethargy and manic, holy-shit-I'm-going-to-have-a-seizure-or-heart-attack-or-tumor-like-thing-and-die panic attacks. I hyperventilate and tremble and then my legs give out and I curl up in the fetal position and stare into space for hours. I lock and relock doors. I pace and jitter and nervous tic and cry because my puppy is not eating enough and is going to die. Jason is going to get sick of babysitting his wife because he's afraid I'll hurt myself and leave me for someone healthy. Or at least someone who will put her clothes away and not cry about it, for the love of God.
Then there are moments where everything is fine. I make jokes and smile and remember to unplug the iron. But then It starts all over again.
I would definitely say that the meds are not working.
I'm at home now, counting the hours until I see my doctor again, dozing off in between sentences, praying that I'll have the strength to drag myself out of bed and out the door when the time comes.
Maybe tomorrow will be better. Maybe tomorrow will be the day that I'll be back with the funny.
Maybe tomorrow.
It's hard to offer anything more than the usual, "Please take care... we're thinking of you..." platitudes. Of course, that never seems enough but finding the right words to offer is hard.
Just remember, you're not alone... a number of us have been where you are, and all I can say is that you will come out on the other side -- I did, and I know there are others who read you, who will tell you the same. There is a medication that will work for you... and while it may be hellish until you find it, have faith that it WILL get better when you do. It won't be like this forever. I'll go so far as to say: I promise.
Oh, honey. Remember that this is temporary. I promise it really is. Hang on and get to the doc and do whatever you need to do to get through until it's better. We love you!
It is going to get better. I'm glad you figured out that the meds aren't working for you so that you can go back and find something that will. Just be sure to pester that doctor constantly until you've got something that works for you.
I'll keep sending good wishes your way.
Aw, Amy. As the above comments say, I just wish there was more to offer or to say to make you feel better. I'm thinking good thoughts for you... take care, sweetie.
Oh oh oh. After the doctor appointment, could you get a full body massage with hot stones? Something to help make you feel better? A foot massage? A game of hopscotch? I wish I could help. I hope you feel better soon--
I wish I could help. Meanwhile, just know that we care.
It sounds like it's more the meds than you, so don't feel like it's you being whacked out. I am so glad you have a doctor's appt soon, and when you see him kick him in the balls for us and tell him to get you the hell off that stuff and get you something that will make you feel super-easy-calm-happy-puppy-kisses-rainbows-smiles good again. Also I agree with bluepoppy. A massage could do Amalah good. Take care of yourself and report back!
Take care Amy.
Ok, since I think your doc is a woman, figure out some other option than kicking her in the balls.
Honey, I'm thinking of you. I hope to GOD you get the right meds THIS time. Try CIPRALEX. At least ask if she thinks it would help YOU. I have seriously hideous panic attacks (much like you described) and it helps. I mean it. It does. I would suggest Serzone, but it takes 2 WHOLE WEEKS before kicking in... and that is just fucking rediculous.
Love you honey. We'll be here for you, for better or worse. SMOOCH and big old HUG.
PS: Ceiba will be fine, I'm sure she sneaks and eats Max's food also. She isn't gonna starve honey. Max might SIT on her, but she'll be ok, and so will you babe.
Amy! I give you an A. That's for being so funny that I laugh not only when I'm reading your posts but when I am thinking about reading your posts. And for having such a fabulous style of writing that every time I even think about commenting I can't because I just feel so little and not cool after reading what you write. And I can't forget to mention your punctuation. Very creative punctuation.
And by the way, Jason is a part of that amazing group of Internet Husbands who make the rest of us go "Oh, that's where all the good men have gone." So, you've got a good thing going on and there is no way that this feeling will last forever. Actually, I'm sure that you will get past this. I'm praying for you!
have you tried lithium? works for me ...
*droool*
I second what everyone has said. This is not going to last forever, and you will find the right meds. And I feel like you've given us so much funny in the past that you can take some time off from the funny and it will be totally okay. We're all pulling for you.
When you're sad? I've got three words for you. Webcam Donkey Productions. You know what I'm talking about.
Hi amalah..You are in my thoughts.*bump**Thump* stop moving furniture in there! seriously, I wish you well .
Oh, yes. www.badgerbadgerbadger.com
That always makes me smile.
Ugh, I've been there too -- there's nothing more awful! But honest, it WILL stop, and seem so distant you'll be almost unable to believe you ever felt this way. (In my case, it was stupid, stupid BC pills.)
Incidentally, as someone involved in doggie rescue, I can tell you that some pups just eat more than others.
Poor Amalah. Honey, I have been there, in the poo-poo-iest places. My heart goes out to you. Hang in there. Remember, all you have to do is make it to the next 5 minutes.
The drugs are good only when they are the right drugs. I wish there was just one magic happy pill for all the people who are sad so that people wouldn't have to go through what you're going through.
Just wanted to wish you well and send some good vibes your way. I'm sorry you're feeling miserable and I hope the light at the end of this darkness comes soon for you! Keep your head up Amy! =)
I'm thinking about you today, sweet girl. Tomorrow, too. Just hold on.
Just wanted to let you know that I'm thinking of you and hoping you get well soon. Also? I think you're really brave.
Oh, Queen of Everything, I am sending you good thoughts. I know this must be seriously frustrating and frightening, but we luhve and LOAVE you, whether you bring The Funny or The Crazy to the table. We're here for you, your little blog-minions, and just want you to feel better.
Feel better 'hon! If there is anything at all I can do for you, let me know. (and I wouldn't go take the advise and see http://www.badgerbadgerbadger.com/ it gave me a panic attack :)))
Ditto. All of it.
loaving you. hugs and praises for you today in my journal!
I don't even know if I should leave this comment, but I will anyway...
I went through all of that last year. I did hurt myself. I never stopped crying. I stayed in bed all day. I'd pass out from hyperventilating.... I tell you this so you know you're not alone, that I understand and if you EVER need to talk, you can email me anytime. If not, just know that I'm thinking of you and sending my best wishes. It can and will get better.
Amy,
I know you love the drama, but please, there is a long stretch between an occasional panic attack and a hospitalization! Please get over yourself.
Dooce is fighting for both herself and her family. (Including a child . . . not a cat and a dog.)
I used to love to read you, but now, I'm kinda' disgusted with you. Yeah, I struggle with anxiety disorder myself. I have since the age of thirteen. But, "Thanks Be To The Lord", (Make what you will of that!), I've never had to battle for both myself and my husband, and especially, my child.
But go ahead, sit there and stew about how hard it is to deal with your high paying job, your beautiful husband, your wonderful home, and the beauty that is your life, I'll try to cry for you!
I can't believe that you actually managed to turn Dooce's misery into your own personal platform for "Notice Me, I'm AMY, and I ain't happy either!!!" Feeling kinda' sick right now!
(I'm pretty sure that my grammer and punctuation aren't up to par, but I think that you get my meaning!)
Just a thought!
Okay, okay, Amy,
I'm a stupid bitch who didn't read far enough! Forgive me please, Amy. Hang in there.
Stupid, Anxiety ridden, Sorry Bitch,
Harper
Can I give you a hug? Or at least order Jason to give you one for me? I know it'll sound trite, but I'm praying for you and your family. You are so pretty, and your husband is so handsome, and your animals are so adorable. Think about these wonderful things...also raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens, bright copper kettles and warm woolen mittens.
Everyone gets to have some sucktastic days, but I hope yours don't last too long.
I'm here for you, Amy. Whenever or whatever you need.
At least you found your keyboard and didn't pour water on it trying to make the keys bigger.....but just how DOES one type in the fetal position?
Baby, all the loave I've got.
they go away. the panic attacks? they do. go away. with me, they only had as much power as i gave them. but that took a minute to perfect.
you'll get there. promise.
Sad the best meds I ever found to get myself better were these dang experimental ones that I never had the name for that I was a guinea pig on. I've done paxil, amatriptaline, prozac, wellbrutin, celexa, I think I'm tyoping them all bad, good luck in getting a good dose of the right stuff.