Off The Rails

Hold Please

Yes, hello, I’m here, alive, semi-well and whatever.

Today is Big Print Deadline Day For The Accursed Eleventy Billion Special Reports Amy Had To Write And Also, Coincidentally, Random Capitalization Of Words Day.

So I’m a wee bit busy. Just. A. Wee. Bit.

So maybe I will be posting some random thoughts and do-dads throughout the day using my Handy Attention Deficit Disorder Gah Gah Gah Banners, or I may not post anything at all.

The one thing I will not do? Which would be the one thing that would totally make the most sense? Is change my template back to actual blogging where you can have multiple entries from one day on the same page, because that would eff up my pretty archives and I make a point not to ever eff up my pretty archives.

Plus I’m stubborn. I switched to the one-entry-a-day format so I would be challenged to write something substantial and/or intelligent every day. (I did not delude myself into thinking those two always went together. Some days? I just write until the screen looks kind of full.  Substantial, yet fluffy and brainless! Like Lindsey Lohan.)

Let the Day Of Crazed Pseudo-Blogging begin!


Um. Well. Maybe not quite yet. I have not had coffee. Do not look at me. I am not ready yet. I cannot perform on demand like this. I AM NOT YOUR MONKEY!


I have a doctor's appointment today at one p.m. Unfortunately, this means I will probably miss most or all of our monthly corporate rah-rah fest meeting thing at noon.  I will miss our financial updates and some bad jokes by managers and exceptional employee awards that I NEVER, EVER GET, NOT ONCE, and also introductions of new employees. So to any new employees being introduced today? I'm sorry, but there's just no way in hell I'm ever going to learn your names. I will try to come up with clever nicknames, like "That Guy With The Hair" or "That Girl With The Ginormous Chest," but that is the best I can promise.

Even if I could attend? I still wouldn't learn your names, so really, no loss.

I will also miss the special recognition of employees who have managed to stay with the company for designated increments of time without getting fired. This is quite an accomplishment, apparently, because these employees are recognized with pins and/or pens and everyone claps politely and then the not-fired person gets to make a speech and thank all the people who did not fire them. Then everyone claps politely again.

It'll be my turn in March, unless I get fired.

I told my boss about my doctor's appointment so he would know I'd probably be missing Rah-Rah Day just in case he was maybe planning to give me an award. His silence indicates that he was not. Maybe next month then.

I will also miss the free pizza afterwards, but it is really some godawful pizza, so whatever.

I so do deserve an award though.


We still have two couches in our living room. STILL.  The reason I didn't just use the Salvation Army was because they claimed they couldn't come get it for two months.  That was...two months ago. Am idiot.

But I'm actually getting used to Old N' Busted completely blocking my path to the kitchen. I may actually be losing weight because of it. It is also a very nice place to dump all your miscellaneous crap because I can cover it up with throw pillows.

Sure is ugly though.


OK, so Corporate Rah-Rah Love Fest Day has been going on for 20 minutes. I'm totally cowering in my office so nobody sees the Girl Who Does Not Love Her Company Because She Needs To See Her Brain Doctor For The Crazy Pills.

I've heard polite clapping break out about four times already.

The pizza is not here but they've laid out all the beverages. Am totally swiping a Coke for the drive. They cannot STOP ME. Am soda NINJA. Nimble like MONKEY.

OK, time to go get medicated. For real. Jeez.


Mmmm...this may sound like crazy talk from the crazy girl but even the most godawful pizza? Tastes pretty good cold.

So I got back from the doctor's and found a whole heap of work on my chair, which was lovely, but also a plain sealed envelope with "Amy" written on it.

Amy thinks: "Holy crap. I DID win an award. And instead of polite clapping it has just been dumped on my chair without ceremony. And I wanted ceremony! Wah."

Amy rethinks: "Holy crap. It's an official reprimand for missing Corporate Rah-Rah Love Fest Fest Day. I have been fired without ceremony and will not get my pin and/or nice pen in March and no polite clapping."

Then I actually opened the envelope, and found that a lovely someone had won a $5 gift certificate for Chipotle in the trivia contest and was giving it to me, The Girl Who Loves Burritos So Much She Just Might Marry Them.

She had known the names of all of Ross' ex-wives on Friends. Which makes me mad, because every time I go to Corporate Rah-Rah Love Fest Day the trivia questions are all about 17th Century Composers Whose Names, When Jumbled Together, Spell Out A Type Of Indigenous Tree Frog Once Featured On An Episode Of NOVA, Also Please Name The Year That Show Aired.

When I don't go? It's fucking questions about Friends. GAH.



I should steal another soda in celebration. Maybe shake it up and pop it open on somebody like champagne. Like That Guy Wearing That Assy-Looking Shirt. That would be funny.

I really have no idea who he is. But damn. That is an assy shirt.



So. Hilldery. A blog y'all should totally be reading and loving if you aren't already. She and I work together. She understands the sorrow of Special Reports, she knows the lameness of Corporate Rah-Rah Love-Fest Day, she feels the pain of the formal business attire dress code.

She just stopped by. Bearing a Coke. That Chris told her to give to me.


Apparently she commented over at his site, and Chris emailed her back, because he is The Good Blogger Who Always Emails His Commenters Unlike Some People, Like, Say, Amalah. And he asked her to bring me a Coke, because my day is sucky.

Sucky in non-public-blog ways too. Sucky and sad ways. Ways that I might talk about. But I might not. Either way, the Coke helped a lot.

Am Soda Ninja Monkey once again.



I would love to be nick-named "The Girl with the Ginormous Chest". Can I have the nickname even though its a big fat lie? Thanks.

Suzanna Danna

Ooooh, if Zoot is the chick with the boobs, can I be "That tall girl with the shelf-like ass"? Or, or maybe, um... "Yanno, that girl with the fro"? Ooooh, or, or, or... "The fat girl with the pretty face"?

Good luck with the dr. appointment.


Why is it so hard to get rid of couches? Our sofa / loveseat set is ridiculously ugly. Comfy as all hell but ugly. If the Fugly girls did furniture, our set would be on their site like everyday. And yet Mitchell wants to try and sell it...for $75! So glad that T and I are going to have a place of our own soon.


My GAWD. You said MONKEY!!!!

Also Lindsay Lohan is not fluffy. If anything, that girl is thick and SOLID.



Seriously, though, the couch fairies haven't come and spirited Old & Busted away in the night? Why not?

Fucking slackers.


You are on the right path...once you finally ENJOY having the couch still there...and think about keeping it? Then...and only then...will it disappear.


The monkey line had me laughing out loud. I know only like nine people's names at my work, but apparently ninety people know mine, since they say hello to me every day (even though I have no clue as to who they are)!!!


It may be time to haul the old couch out to the curb and donate it to the neighborhood crazies. It will be your good dead for the day and I'm sure you can take a tax write-off too.


Oooohh...You're the Ultimate Nimble Monkey Coke Theif if there ever was one!

(do you like how I'm commenting on every blurb you do? Yeah. I'm The Blog Crazy)


Hee - soda ninja! The husband and I are always "ninja-ing" something.


Hee - soda ninja! The husband and I are always "ninja-ing" something.


the soda ninja thing made me giggle, too. And I totally went off about Lindsay's completely fake boobs on someone's blog yesterday. We are not stupid, and we know fake boobs when we see them, Miss Lohan.


I never win the award either. Just hockey tickets, over and over. Thank God you can't win them in August.

Can you teach me how to be a soda ninja?

-- that short girl with the curly hair




soda stealing ninja monkey = funniest thing i've ever read. am spewing diet coke from my nose as i type this. HEE!

Scarlett Cyn

Sorry Zoot my darling... you cannot be the
"girl with the ginormous boobs" cause that is reserved by yours truly. Wanna argue bout it? My chest is.... ahem.... a 42G. NATURALLY. No silicone. SO, therefore, I am the poor bitch with the ginormous boobs , and the bad back from dragging these puppies around.

Oh, and .....MONKEY!!!!!

I loave the Ninja thing. Excellent. Good for you. Happy pills are much more important than bad free pizza.


I want a cool nickname! Like maybe... Girl Who Always Giggles When She Hears Monkey.

If there is guacamole involved with those burritos, we could have a double wedding!


Ah...guacamole. What is it with everyone and the food posts today? The one day when my stash of nickels has completely run out and thus I can't get anything from the vending machine of tasty treats. And I have to drink water. WATER!

If only someone would offer me a Diet Coke for knowing the names of various Friends characters.


I'm back to comment on your newest blurb...and say that was it "Girl with the Ginormous Boobs" who gave it to you? And if so, did you tell her that I want her nickname (no Scarlett I claimed it first, me and my 24As deserve it).

Oh, and curse you for outing Jason and I on Beth's site by the way...


Hehehe. That should be 34As. 24As would be silly.


Dude, Zoot, I was just going to say. 24A? Are you even alive at that point?

Also? We could totally trade bras. Wouldn't that be fun?


Ninja monkey hurts it's so funny. And nicknames? Super cool. Except mine...Coach called me "the Wall" today at practice. Which I can see as being cool for volleyball. But I am a girl and I don't like to think of myself as neither flat nor wide...


Sorry you're sucky, but the Coke/crazy pill combination is sure to cure all.


I am totally impressed by the fact that you have a coworker who knows about your blog, and you know about hers. I can't even decide if my bestest friends should know about mine. Let alone having a coworker smart enough to bring me a Coke on a sucky day. If only...


Girl...you are TOO KEWL for comments! Rock on! It's nice to have a responsefrom you sometimes, but it's not necessary on everything. Sometimes your visitors just like we say, "Hi! Here I am. I visited and I thought what you said was pretty rad." :)



Sweet Lord.
could you compare those to a melon for me?
so I could have a visual?
That was mostly a joke.


I also work with Amalah (yea!)and am laughing so much over her precise description of Corprate rah-rah love fest day. I thankfully also missed all the spirit and cold pizza yesterday, yet am also pissed that I missed the one trivia day in 4 years that was on sitcoms and not on Bolivian architects of the 1920's, etc.

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