Mysteries of the Universe, Part One
Amalah: The South Beach Album

Miami Rhapsody


Back back back back!

Miami Beach? Lovely. Totally going to get wiped off the face of the earth this weekend by hurricanes, but for the days we were there? Just lovely and sunny and pretty and nice.

I'm tan, except for my scalp, which is totally red, and totally going to peel. Also pretty and nice.

(The ratio of complete-sentences-typed-to-appearances-of-the-word-totally is off the charts already. Totally off the charts.)

So Miami was great. Yes, there are pictures. No, I don't have them today. Although if you scour the Internet you might find one of a topless girl in a blue-and-white-striped bikini who looks just like me, but who totally isn't, because Amy would never go topless in Miami, because Amy would know that the instant her top is off she would have the rotten luck of getting photographed by some perv with a really nice camera. So yes. Or no. I'm confused now.

Tomorrow: Pictures. Today: Barely coherant random thoughts and ramblings that only sort of tell you about our trip. Lucky you!


Take comfort in the fact that I am the sort of person who gets seated in the emergency exit row on planes. Don't you feel safe now? I am totally in control of the situation, people, just as soon as I emerge from the fetal position in the overhead compartment.


You know how you always leave on trips feeling like you've forgotten something? But you just shrug it off because you ALWAYS feel like you've forgotten something, even if you haven't. And if you have? It usually ends up being something silly like lip balm with SPF in it, which you always forget, which is why you own approximately 243 tubes of it.

I remembered the SPF lip balm.

Scene: Miami airport, seconds after getting off the plane

Jason: Max was so mad at us this morning.

Amy: Yeah, he's been mad since he saw the suitcase.

Jason: Poor guy. I wonder if he'll hiss at the neighbors when they stop by to feed him.

Amy: So which key did you give the neighbors?




Amy: Oh fuck.

Jason: Well, we knew we were forgetting SOMETHING.


(Max is fine, by the way. One of the benefits of condo living means somebody out there has a key to your house at all times. It's like Stupidity Insurance. Stupid people should be required to live in condos. You should have to take a test before you can buy a house.)


I will refrain from making some lame South Beach Diet joke in regards to how we ate while in South Beach. Mostly because I can't really think of one.

I ate a lot of French fries. And lobster. Even though it was Maine lobster and we were technically further away from Maine than we are at home, lobster seems like the thing to eat on vacation.

We also ate at Emeril's restaurant. Shut up. I was kind of giddy when we were there. Shut up again. I did not, however, pick up the salt and pepper and yell "BAM!" over and over. Although I totally would have if I thought of it at the time, because that would have been HILARIOUS.


The waiter at our hotel? Looked so much like Jack Nicholson I was a little frightened. He was nice though. And yet scary.

Scary: Men in thongs.

Scarier: Women in thongs. Because while frankly, most of the men had the buns for the thongs. The women? Not so much.

Scarier II: Topless women. It's never the ones you want to see.

Scariest: Topless women in thongs playing paddleball. Bad naked! BAD NAKED!

Scariest II: Scare and Scarier: Did I seriously just use the word "buns?"

Totally Not Scary: Cute boys making out with each other. My marriage was in no way threatened. The family unit remains intact! Jason did not catch the gay germs! The natural order and balance of the universe is maintained! Humans continue to procreate at an adequate rate! The earth is still spinning on its axis!

Honestly. Also, gay bars have the nicest bathrooms. So there.



Welcome back! Good luck getting caught up. Did you get us any souvenirs? Could I be any more like a 12 year old? = )


Welcome back! Did you get us any souvenirs? Could I be any more like a 12 year old? = )


I am SO glad you're back! Rock! We all missed you. :)


Woohoo, you're back! So happy to have something clever to read again. Even if you did use the word "buns".


You should totally clarify when you are NOT talking about alcoholic beverages in your post. The "hurricane" statement through me for a loop. With you - either way you read it makes sense - totally.

Ok, and I'm an idiot.

Scarlett Cyn

Aw baby! I miss-ed you!!!!! (I did that hyphen on purpose, btw)

Back from your jaunt through Miami, hmmmm? My birthplace. Didn't know that did you? I guess you do now.

Sucks about your poor burned widdle head. I'm curious... is Max still giving you and Jason the cold shoulder treatment? (Probally)

Glad you're home safe and sound (if somewhat extra well-done!) MWAH!


Hot Ho-yay is so the awesomosity.

Welcome back, sister.


Welcome back hon. We missed you and can't wait to see pictures. You didnt miss much while you were gone...


Welcome back! Yesterday I was terrifically hung over and TOTALLY could have used some fabulous advice. But whatever. Glad your trip was great. That Jason came home with you and not forty fabulous boys. And? That you aren't missing any limbs due to hurricane whatshername.
Now for that photo essay...

type a

dude, you totally missed everything - i hope you've spent your morning reading the last 7 days of all of our blogs, as there will most certainly be a quiz later (possibly today) and yes, we each checked yours 800 times a day - whining all the while . . . when oh when will she be back?

no more leaving. just ask max.


welcome home! I missed you so much! I was going through withdrawals from no 'gah gah gah gah's - can't wait to see the pictures. And thank goodness Jason was safe and did not catch the gay germs.


welcome home! I missed you so much! I was going through withdrawals from no 'gah gah gah gah's - can't wait to see the pictures. And thank goodness Jason was safe and did not catch the gay germs.


Yeah, so I totally forgot about the whole "you were on vacation" thing. I thought you were super busy at work or something.

I'm a little slow this week.

But, yay vacation! That is far far better than being busy at work, and now I can be happy for you because I didn't spend my week being bitter because you were on vacation and I was not.


I, on the other hand, totally knew you were on vacation and insisted upon checking your site every day (maybe more than once...) thinking maybe if I'm a really good girl Amy may possibly magically have a new post up... Pathetic right? Welcome back! Bet you're looking relaxed, tan and beautiful.

Very Mom

You're back! And whoot whoo! Niiiiice striped bikini!


Okay, so I don't know you or anything, like most of the people who've commented so far seem to. But I just could not resist commenting because I am still laughing about the Emeril's thing and also because I just looked at some older pics and came across the medicine cabinet thing and more of my ass is gone now because I've laughed so much off (thank you, by the way). ;) You're hilarious.


Men in thongs are hot! Especially ones that are white as an albino. I wanted to KILL that guy with the camera cause he made you put your top back on!

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