Wednesday Advice Smackdown
August 05, 2004
Yes, I know it's really Thursday, but it's still Wednesday in my mind. So I don't want to hear another word about it.
Okay, on with the show...
I always feel presumptuous when I put a link to other people's blogs on my own. So I'll ask this time around, may I?
I mean, I know that's how it works. Link to blogs you really like. But my blog has an ego problem, it doesn't feel good enough to link to really good blogs.
Which brings me to my advice needed question. And I wouldn't be terribly disappointed if Special Guest Advice-Giver Guy Dude took my case.
How do I boost my blog's ego?
OKAY THEN, so now Special Guest Star Advice-Giver Guy Dude is getting REQUESTS. Y'all like him better than me, don't you? I knew it.
Well, he wouldn't know the first thing about boosting blog ego, because he DOESN'T HAVE ONE. And I'll be damned if I let him show off on mine ever again. It's terribly bad for my blog's ego.
Although you may have noticed that my blog has more than enough ego to spare. In fact, it's so damn uppity that it gets a little ruffled when people call it a blog. It's a journal now. Which is different. I can't explain how. I think it's better though.
Anyway, you could try that. "Oh, I don't blog anymore. I journal. It's just a simple form of self-publishing, really. A way to keep the creative muse active while I wait for my bajillion dollar book deal to come through."
You could also try getting snooty about memes. Roll your eyes at surveys and go "oh, pish-posh" to Quizilla results. Your blog is too good for these trite little shortcuts, right? I mean, your journal. Your outlet to the world. Your voice in the maddening crowd.
Also, get stingy with the blogroll. Resist linking to just anybody and everybody who links to you. They might suck. Do not be afraid to think that they suck.
(Try to link to all your commenters though, because they are lovely, wonderful people with taste and wit and also look so damn pretty today.)
If all this fails, maybe read a Tony Robbins book out loud to your blog. I hear he has really big teeth.
I have this really cool, really popular blog. I won't say who I am, because I don't want to brag, but my name rhymes with Krill Eatin' and Still Bleatin' and Chill Heatin'. Anyway, I don't know if you've ever been to my site, but it's really cool. It's kinda like Huey Lewis meets Jimmy Stewart. Really accessable and positive, but also some wild fun!!! I'm like the Chicken Soup For The Soul of blogs (which was a really important book, and touched a lot of people's lives, and sold a lot of copies).
I like to put a metophorical arm around my readers and give them the big brother noogie on the head and tell them "I love ya buddy! In a non gay way, heh." Because really edgy humor something you'll find a lot of at my site, if you want to come by and check it out. Kinda like when Steve Martin used to wear that arrow that looked like it was going right through his head. Dude, that was so funny. And cool.
Anyway, I'm a little worried because instead of getting my usual 10,000 hits a day, I've only been getting about 9,900. I'm afraid I may have offended my readers, and I might not win a Bloggie this year. Not that I care about that stuff, because I just have to be who I am ya know? I'm secure in who I am, and if people don't like me for who I am, well I wish them the best. But if I've alienated anyone I would just be so sad. I mean I am a good guy, and there is nothing whatsoever offensive about my site, if you ever want to check it out.
So do you think I should write an open letter telling my readers that I'm sorry and I really appreciate all their support? Thanks in advance for your help!!!
Wishing you all the coolest experiences life has to offer,
GOD, YOU ARE SUCH A TOOL. TOOOOOOL.
Let me say this, Guy Whose Name Sounds Like Bil Beaten: Your popularity baffles me. Yes, you were on T.V. once. On That Show Whose Name Sounds Like Bar Check. But it was pretty much accepted that you sucked on it. Nobody liked you. I believe you spawned a lot of fan fiction that mostly involved you dying in many interesting and painful ways.
And now you have this site. This painfully corny and upbeat site that looks like a bunch of kindergarteners did your HTML. And you have a bazillion readers! You have your own category on FARK! What the hell?
So advice? For you? Is to shut up. This is one blog/journal/publishing revolution that will not drink the Gil Geaton Kool-Aid. Blah.
(Sheryl actually wrote that last question. And oh, how I love her for it.)
Dearest, prettiest, Queen of Everything,
I am considering getting a tattoo. Since this will last a lifetime, I want something that will look tasteful now and when I am an eighty-eight year old granny. Do you have any suggestions as to design and placement?
One of your "trained seals" (arf,arf,arf)
Oh, the eternal tattoo dilemma. I have two. I still like one. Do the math.
The one I like is a small heart with little flames. The whole thing is about a square inch in size. It's red and yellow and orange and quite cute. Placement? On the ass. Upper part, anyway, the part that (I hope and pray) will remain relatively smooth and unchanged throughout the years. Plus? Totally hidden 99% of the time. Only the tiniest bikini will reveal it in public.
The other one was gotten in a fit of impulsivity, infatuation and maybe a wee bit of intoxication. It's Jason's name. On my lower back. Visible above the waist of low-rise pants and every bikini in the world. I cheaped out on it too so it's not even nice looking. Stupidest. Thing. Ever.
Because now? People come up to me all the time and ask who Jason is. If I'm with Jason they'll go up to him and say shit like, "Heh. I hope you're Jason, right?" HAR. DEE. HAR. SHUT. UP.
So. Names are stupid, even if you DO stay with the person and love them and whatever. Stupid. No names.
I'm trying to figure out what to do with the Jason tattoo. Do I cover it up? Maybe get Jason's name in Hebrew letters inked over it? Try to get a generic Celtic design to cover it? Or do I get it lasered off? Maybe I should post a poll. Or write a Quizilla thingie.
Here's where the question of color comes in. If you get a colored tattoo, they're easier to cover up later if you change your mind. Black ink can only be covered with more black. HOWEVER, black ink is easier to laser off. Colored tattoos take more sessions and can remain visible. (Thanks to Cockeyed.com for all the science.)
Anyway. I will stop talking about myself for one whole damn minute and maybe answer your question. Take a good look at a really, really old woman and note what her arms and stomach and back and legs look like. There's just no good place, really. So put your tattoo somewhere that will remain covered up 100% of the time when you get to that age. Unless you plan to be one of those grannies on daytime talk shows who still wear tube tops and bikinis and whatnot, which in that case, you are gross and I have nothing more to say to you.
Got a question? Preferably one that I can make fun of? And one that doesn't really need an answer because I'm bad at that part? Send it to email@example.com. Now, suckah.