The Wrath of Con, Part II
Freak Out

Wednesday Advice Smackdown & Also Other Random Things

Due to a shortage of questions and an overabundance of dog pictures, this week's advice column is kind of a mess. Or maybe just a jumble. Or even better, a potpurri of fragrant Amalah deliciousness.

If you hate it, it's your own damn fault for not sending me clever advice-type questions. The address is advice[at] Or amy[at] Or amalah[at] It really doesn't matter, because they all go to the same inbox, because I'm clever like that. Also sneaky and probably up to something.

Anyway, pick a damn address and send some damn questions for next week. Or no treats for you. Go in your crate and think about what you've done.


How my new meds are supposed to make me feel: Happy! Joy! Life is joyous and full of promise! Also bunnies and sunshine!

How my new meds actually make me feel: Lfjhdlfsodfu. Despair. Hate. Anfdlue. And also zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.


Oh Mighty Amalah,

My husband suggested that tonight we clean & organize our house. We live in a small apartment and it makes sense to keep clutter low. We both like a clean home and I was telling him yesterday how crowded it was starting to feel at home.

But Amalah, it is FRIDAY. It is the end of the week. I said yes to him, but I really don't want to do much (er, anything). I've worked all week. He's worked at home all week. I'm tired. He has energy. And it's FRIDAY. Hello? Friday? The day for which (and certainly on which) margaritas were made. Not that I'd have a margarita anyways, since I'm being "good", whatever the hell that means.

Why did I say yes? Why can't this be a Monday chore? Oh yeah, Mondays are bad enough. Okay, so a never chore? How about never? Help me, Amalah. It's Friday and I have a hot date with a cardboard box.

Stupid Organizing Yes-Person

And now it is Wednesday. Which means your advice came too late. Which kind of means there’s no point in me even GIVING advice. Which means I can sleep a little bit. Because DAYUM, I am tired.

I’m taking seven pills a day. That’s a lot. That’s like (stares at hands, tries to count) THIS MANY (holds up nine fingers, which is close enough). I should not give advice. I should not be at work. I should not DRIVE. I should not have eaten two Krispy Kremes this morning, particularly the one with the cream filling.

Rgf.lidhxcjmv’zx;lcvjlnXJN Bnhr

WHAT? Sorry. Head hit the keyboard there. Anyway. Back to your question.

Definitely do not agree to organize on a Friday night ever again. That is just wrong. Also stop with this “being good” nonsense and make yourself a damn margarita. Crank up some music, put on some cute men’s tighty-whiteys and one of his collared shirts and dance around with your drink. In 10 minutes your husband will declare you so totally adorable and realize that you are just too cute to be kept in on a Friday night. Or he will just want to sleep with you. Either way, it probably beats cleaning.



Where the fuck is that fucking box of Cheezits that I bought at 7-11 with Coleen and Martha and then never saw again? Snobby snack-stealing WHORES.

Although Ceiba did pee on the carpet in their hotel room, so I guess maybe I owe them some Cheezits. Especially since we were all a little drunk and I thought that mopping up the pee with some Kleenex was adequate. I am sorry for this. I am also sorry for anyone who stays in room 610 at the Helix from now on, because you are totally going to be stepping in dog pee every time you leave the bathroom.

Because I am SURE the hotel steam cleans the carpet regularly. I am SURE.


Amy -

I think that I may be a Snobby Whore.  Is it wrong if I think I want to embrace it, rather than feel bad about it?  I mean, I am practically the hottest chick on the internet (besides you, that is). You saw my boobs in that shirt.  Hot!

-Whorey McSnobberson


I put my cats on Catster last week (  Is this venturing too far into Crazy Cat Lady territory?  Or is this still in the realm of, "that's cute, and kind of cool"?

-Little Miss Hairball


I've got this half-marathon in 4 months that I'm theoretically training for.  However, I'm too damn lazy to actually get off my ass and run.  Can I employ the "if you can dream it, you can do it" school of thought here and finish the race in record time without actually running between now and then?

-Lazy Dawnie

Look at Dawnie, monopolizing the advice column! But you know how many other questions I got this week? ONE. Lazy bitches. So Dawnie gets to be treated like an Internet Rock Star and see her name in lights and get her questions answered to the delight of dozens.

1) Yes, I believe the Post-JCon Fingers of Drama were being pointed in your general direction, you snobby, snobby redheaded whore. But I would embrace it. I think it suits you. Like that one shirt you borrowed that was all about the cleavage. You should have stolen that shirt.

But which is worse, getting called a snobby whore or having your poor, defenseless rat dog get called a seizing, brown, bald hamster with taped ears? (Trance: I kid! I love! It’s all okay! But still! Wah.)

2) You are The Crazy. Yes. Max is not on Catster and Ceiba is not on Dogster. Possibly because they’ve caught a bit of the Snobby Whore from me. Or because Ceiba actually belongs on instead. HA!

3) Yes. You should also drink more and eat more Cheezits and then just buy a pair of really cute and complicated running shoes. They will basically run the race for you. And then also never sign up for shit like that again, because it is also The Crazy.


Speaking of Ceiba, we took the bandages off her ears. I’d had enough of them. It was the most traumatic thing I have ever done. This ear clipping business? Wrong. Must end. To knowingly put a puppy through that? Evil. Should take a rolled-up newspaper to your hind end and beat the shit out you.

Anyway. Her ears still don’t look like they’re “supposed” to, but I’d be damned if I was going to re-tape them and then fucking RIP TAPE AND STICKY FOAM OFF MY PUPPY’S EAR HAIR EVER AGAIN. So blah. This is Ceiba now. She’s goofy and floppy.



Will someone please, please write this memo for me? It's very, very important, and I have no idea what to do except copy and paste the VP's original email and expand on that. Is that cheating?

Loave and Heifers,
Downward Spiral Hussy Whore

No. And also yes. Enjoy those Cheezits, bitch.



It's getting better. Max is not stepping up with the alpha-male shit and Ceiba won't stop with the "play with me! play with me! hi! hi! hello! play with me!"-bouncy shit, so we still have a long way to go. But there's been some progress.


Max: What the fuck are you doing here? This is my lap, you skinny bitch.

Ceiba: Ears itch. Will peee cAt. Buzz!

Max: Your mother was a hamster!


Max: Okay, I'll take him down, you go after the girl with the camera. Then we shall rule all!

Ceiba: Sleep. Zzz. Play wiTH socks! yay for Baby!

Max: God I hate you.


Max: Don't you let that Taco Bell dog get any closer.

Ceiba: Where food? Nap. ThEN poop.


Max: Well, okay. I'm pretty tired.

Ceiba: Squee.



I know you feel like shit but you are extra funny today. So thank you.

Laura B

Ceiba - sooo cute with the semi-floppy ears. I don't know what some folks are thinking cuttin' up their dogs. I've always had semi-big dogs, but Ceiba? changing my mind about correct size for dogs.

type a

she's such a little doe. is she deer breed? i want one for my purse.


I am so in love with floppy eared Ceiba. But I think she ate your Cheez-Its.


If Ceiba plans to audition for the Canine Fying Nun, she's all set.

Same thing happened with my parents dog, a breeder docked his ears and tail, then put him up for adoption when it turned out one of his toe-nails was white (the others were black,) which is not allowed in dow show-type things. Poor baby!


Oohhhhh! Precious little puppy ears! Don't let them touch her again! Bad!

Also, my dog and cat have been living together for 6 years and they still won't sit that close to each other. Even if we hold them. That just makes it worse, because one or both of them starts flailing and scratching and peeing to get the hell out of there. Congrats on the progress!

Hope you feel better than bbbllaskhdpppp.


I laughed so hard today from this post that milk came out my nose. Don't ask what the cow was doing there.


What a great looking family you have! At least Ceiba hasn't taken a combative approach with Max and has tried to beat the everlove out of him. Trust me, I've been there, and animal fur clumps are scary.


You? The funny. Oh God. The dog? Today she is looking like a very very teeny deer. A shrunken deer, or maybe a deer embryo.

I was so not meaning to snark on your dog. Honestly it was the closest I ever came to bonding with a dog because I felt its fear and I swear it felt mine. For reals. And I was hating your breeder because although there are several parts of my body I would like to chop off it would hurt. Although this makes me think, maybe I should get a breeder. It would probably be cheaper than lipo.

I knew you didn't just go get the toenail clippers and lop off your dog's ears like you were playing Schizophrenic Make Me Pretty Barbie or some shit. :D

Anyway, what I'm saying is the dog is sort of cute. And you are totally cute, and the cat is fucking GORGEOUS, and it's all copacetic, so please don't be mad at me. I'm just retarded.


Okay, I'm totally going on the South Beach diet now. Cheezits and Krispy Kremes? Hell yeah! Also, Ceiba is so cute it seriously hurts a little. And taking the tape off was a good move, even if it hurt her mommy more than it hurt her :)

And for the haters? Back off the dog, y'all. Don't mess with the powers of cuteness. You will pay


Shit, those were YOUR Cheez Its? A box magically appeared in our room, and I had them for breakfast in my hung-over no-pastry-wanting state on Saturday morning.

Oops. I just figured the Cheez It fairy had come to visit.

As for how they got into my room? Beats the fuck out of me.


Amy baby, if it makes you feel better, the doctor upped my crazy pills yesterday, and I got a rash from the shot she gave me in my ass. So I'm feeling all kinds of apoweirhankfjhai today as well.

Ceiba's ears are to die for! I love them all floppy like the easter bunny's! Tell her she's the most beautiful bitch I know.


In that last picture of you and Ceiba? Y'all are starting to look alike ;-)


Ceiba really does look like a tiny little deer. I'm totally in love with the cuteness. Also? Love Max, too....I bet the love will flow between them some day.


Okay, not only is your dog cute, she's funny. I so regret not going to JournalCon, if only to stalk your dog!

Fraulein N

Tell Max I'm stealing "Your mother was a hamster!" Heeee. Seriously, that'll work as a comeback in all kinds of situations.


the hamster mother comment was priceless. Poor Max, I am sending him my love. It's hard when there is a cute puppy hanging around who refused to conspire against the humans.



Get feeling beter soon, okay?

Scarlett Cyn

Ok Queen. What's with all the hamster love lately? (I take it ALL of yous missed my Hamster Balls posts on my blog this last week, now didn't you? Sigh.)

I think I must get me a Ceiba doggie. Yes indeedy. uh huh. YUP. I think one will fit perfectly inside my NEW BURBERREYS BAG I GOT AS A GIFT FROM MY SIL!!!(baby pink y'all!!! NO, it will not clash with the puppy love hair/fur color)

I'm so in LOAVE with Max. He is beautiful. Tell him Auntie Cyn LOAVES HIM. He was totally doing telepathic cussing at Ceiba in the first picture. If looks could kill........

oooh, and honey, the crazy pills? Guess what I got!??? Guess!? My whiplash injury is acting up, so I swiped Z's painkillers from his car accident last week. (WHAT? I CAN"T TURN MY FREAKING NECK AND I'M WHIMPERING!) A side effect says possible to experience EUPHORIA.

I'll let y'all know how things went!


I'm submitting Anfdlue to Webster's to see if they'll accept it for their 12 ed. The definition? Drugged and hilarious.


alright...must declare official petition for stalkerdom. of course am heavily educed by sauvignon blanc, much love to ms. amalah & cutie ceiba & since i'm all wasted, jason of dc foodies, BRILLIANT,the lot of ya!

RockStar Mommy

Hi, um, I'm new in these neck of the woods, but I still couldn't help but notice that you're *ahem* slightly obsessed with Judith Light. Maybe you already have this. Maybe you don't. But I thought you might get a kick out of it either way:


I love the advice column this week and feel the zzzzz. Great site!

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