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August 2004
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October 2004

The Lazy Crazy

You knew this was coming, right? Come on now. I got myself a little notify action goin' on: email: So there's like, shit happening in mah life. Drama and whatnot. So the every day posting? Of a brilliant, long, hysterical, classic (and did I mention long?) entry? Every damn day? Are you kidding me? And since y'all yelled at me for taking a few days off around Labor Day, I'm scared to NOT post every day, lest you get all worried and call the blog authorities or something. So here. Join the little listy thing and I will email you whenever I update. PERSONALLY. Only not! I'll still update a lot. I have much to bitch about. I also got a new purse this weekend. So I'll be writing about that. Aren't you so excited? Can you just not hide it? I've got a NotifyList and I think I like it. Sign up, bitches. Powered by Read more →


(I meant to write a 9/11 entry. Maybe to tell you about how I was trapped in traffic on a bridge in D.C. when I saw the fireball at the Pentagon and felt like the world was coming to an end. Or maybe to tell you how I drove to work anyway because I didn't know what else to do, and how I watched another driver at a red light singing along to a CD, oblivious to the horror unfolding on the radio waves. Or maybe to tell you how my brother-in-law was on the subway when the planes hit, having just left the WTC a few minutes earlier and how I remember my ears ringing when I heard this news. Or maybe to simply say that I remember that morning like it was just this morning, and that I hope you do too. That's what I should have written. I wrote this instead.) I get a lot of hits from Julie’s monster master list of infertility blogs. I'm linked under "Trying." I guess I’m not really in that category anymore, but I haven’t asked to be taken off the list. Partly because, hell, I get a lot of traffic... Read more →

The Great Amalah Caper

So I remember what I was planning to write about yesterday, instead of writing that horrific train wreck of an entry that I posted instead. And I cannot BELIEVE I forgot about it. This is something that happened LAST Friday, and I'm horrified that I did not rush right on over to to spew righteous indignation all over the place. Suspicions that I am a total comment whore when it comes to sappy, lovey-type posts have been confirmed. Y'all, someone in Pensacola, Florida used my credit card to spend $1,900 at an Office Depot last week. Nine. Teen. Hun. Dred. Doll. Ars. On MY credit card. MINE, ME, THE ONE THAT IS IN MY WALLET. Did I mention that this transaction took place in Florida? Last week? When I was not in Florida, not even in the general vicinity? Did I mention that they spent nineteen hundred motherfucking dollars? So. What did I DO when I saw this transaction on my lovely little online statement, since I waited an entire week to throw an online tantrum about it? (And oh, Jason totally found it first, because I never check my lovely little online statement, because I? Am a CHILD.)... Read more →

Wickedly Bad & Awful

Or, The Laziest Post Ever So I had a topic I wanted to write about today. It was something important. I even wrote a few sentences in my head while I was brushing my teeth this morning and they were quite funny and very insightful. I was well on my way to winning a Diarist Award, I know it. But I have absolutely no frickin' idea what it was now. Life? Death? Dog poop? Why brie cheese with fig jam on French bread is probably the best food combination this side of peanut butter and chocolate? Nope. It's gone. So instead? Some random crap, interspersed with selections from an IM conversation I had last night with Mir, because I've already had the conversation, which means way less work and typing now. And If An Entry Full Of IM Nonsense Wasn't Bad Enough, Here's Some IM Nonsense That Won't Make A Lick Of Sense To Anyone Who Has Not Read The Book WICKED: Amalah: just read your comment...I didn't give up on Wicked, I finished it Amalah: Just thought the story kind of fell about after she went to the Vinkus Mir: I read it years ago, so I'm fuzzy on... Read more →

Self Interrogation

Hello? Amy? Are you here? Hi! Hi! Yes! Am here! Jesus Christ, girl. Where the hell have you been? Um. Around? Sleeping mostly. Sleeping around? Haaaaaaaa. That was funny. I am funny. Shut it. You could have posted something. You had the whole damn Internet worried. Sure I did. I also sent the stock market plunging and got the terror alert raised too, because I'm just that important. Whatever. You just liked leaving that last post up so you could get dozens and dozens of comments. True. I also like vanishing and being all mysterious so people will write me nice things. And would a We Heart Amalah And Hope She's Okay blog ring be too much to ask? Yes. Oh. Okay, nevermind. So seriously, where have you been? Why haven't you written anything? Why did you not at least email people to let them know that you didn't lose it and jump off a bridge or something? And most importantly, where the HELL is today's advice column? Well, maybe I DID jump off a bridge. Maybe I'm a NEW Amalah. What? Maybe there have been a lot of Amalahs. Like Ann Landers. Or the drummer from Spinal Tap. You... Read more →

Love in a Time of Madness

My house is a mess right now. For real. I have not put clothes away for about two months. My suitcase from Miami is still sitting in the bedroom. My shoes sit in a pile that could double as a small child's fort. Today I noticed the cobwebs that coat the dining room chandelier have taken over the ceiling. The entire kitchen is sticky. I'm not even going to address the bathroom -- I'm tempted to just board it up and say "Bathroom? What bathroom? The McDonald's down the street has a nice one" when anyone asks to use it. It's not easy living with someone like me. I leave wet towels on the floor and forget to unplug appliances. I get too dizzy to put dishes away and I can't be trusted around sharp objects or the medicine cabinet. I can't get out of bed without actual physical pushing, pulling and/or dragging. I want to sleep all the time and feel about as sexual as a sleepy garden slug. I won't answer the phone or check my voice mail and I complain a lot. (You might have noticed that last one.) Jason cleans. Jason vacuums. Jason makes dinner. Jason... Read more →


Dear Amalah, Greetings and salutations from Limbo! Having a great time, wish you were here! Wait, now I’m having a bad time. No, a good time! Wait, no! Haaaa! As you can tell, it’s a party every minute around here. That killjoy Lexapro is still hanging around and dude, I totally hate that guy. He’s such an asshole. There’s this new guy called Wellbutrin who just showed up – hasn’t really done or said anything yet so I don’t know what to make of him. I’ll keep you posted. Trileptal? Is such a slut. All the serotonins have had her by now. We’re all just totally ignoring her but she keeps showing up. And holy shit, Risperdal? Hard core. Just showed up and trashed the place in 20 minutes flat. We all did shots of Jager with that guy and blacked out. Felt like SHIT the next morning though, oh my GAWD. So be careful with that one, dude. For real. Anyway, things should settle down in about eight to 10 days, and hopefully we’ll be seeing our old friends Full Effects in three to four weeks. In the meantime, don't count on anything you're feeling or thinking, because I... Read more →

The Wednesday Advice Smackdown

OR, A BREAK IN THE DRAMA, SORT OF Yes. I am here to give advice and to solve problems and finally tell you exactly how to get your damn life in order. Like mine! Because I am perfect and smart and totally together. (It's a new tradition at Wednesday is now Opposite Day, where everything Amy says is completely the opposite of the truth. Sort of like lying, only let's not add THAT to her already impressive resume of compulsive behavior, okay?) Wednesday is also Busy Work Day, for I have done NOTHING for a week except file things. File file file. And stare into space and and then yank stuff out of file folders to re-file because I forgot that I already filed it. I also made neat little stacks of papers on the floor, which is my pre-filing system for stuff that still needs to be filed. And I made pretty filing labels for file folders that I have yet to attach to any file folders. Needless to say, there was other stuff I should have been doing this week besides filing. So while I'm working on that, I shall spread out today's advice column in a... Read more →