Love in a Time of Madness
Wickedly Bad & Awful

Self Interrogation

Hello? Amy? Are you here?

Hi! Hi! Yes! Am here!

Jesus Christ, girl. Where the hell have you been?

Um. Around? Sleeping mostly.

Sleeping around?

Haaaaaaaa. That was funny. I am funny.

Shut it. You could have posted something. You had the whole damn Internet worried.

Sure I did. I also sent the stock market plunging and got the terror alert raised too, because I'm just that important.

Whatever. You just liked leaving that last post up so you could get dozens and dozens of comments.

True. I also like vanishing and being all mysterious so people will write me nice things. And would a We Heart Amalah And Hope She's Okay blog ring be too much to ask?


Oh. Okay, nevermind.

So seriously, where have you been? Why haven't you written anything? Why did you not at least email people to let them know that you didn't lose it and jump off a bridge or something? And most importantly, where the HELL is today's advice column?

Well, maybe I DID jump off a bridge. Maybe I'm a NEW Amalah.


Maybe there have been a lot of Amalahs. Like Ann Landers. Or the drummer from Spinal Tap.

You lost me. Also, it is not funny to joke about jumping off a bridge. My brother's friend totally died that way.

He committed suicide?

No, he was just really clumsy.



Dear Amalah,

I have two needs.  The first one is a need to know why Jay McGraw is allowed to, well, exist.  Just because he's trying to get real with teens similar to Dr. Daddy, that doesn't give him the right to renovate people's families.  Especially when he sports an excessive amount of scruff.  Can reality tv hosts do the scruff?  It's perplexing, I know.

Second, I need to know if I am the only one who is being sucked in by the new Gap commercials featuring Sarah Jessica Parker.  For some reason, I feel it necessary to purchase a lot of brightly colored blazers and high heels, even though it's still in the 90's here in Florida.  And I don't wear high heels because they hurt my feet.


1) Jay McGraw? Who in the fuck now what huh?

Okay, I Googled him. And all I can say is this: Thank you TiVo, for not recommending this show to me, because while I enjoy some good trainwreck reality TV, my TiVo knows that I am better than that show and deserve more from life, like Scrubs and more Cheers reruns.

2) What? Oh yes. Just one of the many things my TiVo totally saves me from. I never watch them anymore. I did see a billboard of SJP wearing some whimsical-yet-funkified-by-twenty-percent-or-so denim capris with ribbons on them, to which I am going to say this: No. Do not. Wrong answer, please try again and this time lose the ribbons.

I have seen some cute little blazers though that I sort of want. Perhaps you could buy me one so I could get some real perspective on your dilemma and give you some real advice regarding the SJP/Gap phenomenon.


Wow. That was weak. Even for you.

Well, I'm a little rusty. And cranky and hungry. Also medicated.

Oh yes, how goes everything with the crazy-ass-mental-condition-you-once-said-you-weren't-going-to-talk-about-and-now-won't-shut-up-about?

Oh, just PEACHY. Prozac has joined the party, by the way. I'm totally kicking it old school now.


To your mutha.



IMG_1138I got free tickets to a Redskins game on Friday night.

And I WENT. ME. With the CROWDS and the HEIGHTS and the PARKING LOTS.

The beer helped. Also hot dogs.  I think they won. Woo and whatever.

I went to Target and Petsmart and put my clothes away and called my mom and my sister and I napped and went to dinner and then panicked and hyperventilated and then got better and watched Galaxy Quest, which totally rules.

I bought a lot of books and read one that started out totally amazing and I thought it was going to be the best book I ever read but then halfway through I realized that it was not going to be that, not even close. It ended up kind of sucking which made me sad, because it was such a cool idea. Much like this post, except for the cool part.

I bought a cheap paperback version of Gone With the Wind because I haven't read it in years but while I was getting rung up I suddenly wondered if it was okay to still like Gone With the Wind because, you know, I'm white, or is it wrong to even think about it in those terms? Either way, I got myself confused and put it at the bottom of my reading pile. I really do remember thinking it was a great book. Maybe it isn't anymore.

I took a bath with rubber duckies and wind-up green frogs that both scared and fascinated my dog. Martha sent them to me because she rocks and knows that it's hard to be sad when you have a rubber duckie.

I modeled a new shirt that BMH sent me because she rocks too.

I had weird dreams about fighting evil forces underground while on the run from zombie cats and Shrek. Loretta Swit from M*A*S*H was there and so was Blue Poppy, I think. I dreamt about being back in high school and this one girl who never talked to me in real life was my best friend and we all went out partying at this Indian restaurant that also sold throw pillows and bridal accessories. And then I dreamt about smoking pot with the cast of Friends.

I went to Sephora and ate Krispy Kremes for lunch and drank margaritas for dinner and I slept a lot and panicked some more and stared at the ceiling and played with my dog and cleaned up her accidents and bought a new vacuum and chased my dog with the new vacuum and went to bed early and got up late and felt like a normal person and then didn't again and drank a lot of coffee.


What in the WORLD was all that about? Are you TRYING to scare your readers away?

No, I was going for this stream-of-consciousness thing where I could express that while things are weird right now, I'm still managing to live a normal and functional life, see?

Not really. It was mostly just boring.

Sorry. I'm not really very good at this whole writing thing sometimes.

I think it's time to shut up and post some dog pictures.

Good idea. Also, who are you and why am I talking to you?

I'm frickin' Dear Abby. Now shut up and post some damn pictures before I throw you off a bridge.




your adoring handmaiden for ever and ever

I was in your dreams?! Was I hot? Please tell me I was very very hot and not a fat addicted alcoholic writer. If I wasn't hot, did I at least have great hair? Please tell me my hair looked mahhhvelous.


You were SO HOT. I was all intimidated. We were having lunch in some little cafe and I was in flip flops and I shouldn't have worn flip flops because everyone else was dressed fancy. Anyway, you smoked slim cigarettes and ordered a cheese sampler and I ate peanut butter and jelly.

And we got it all for free because you yelled at the waiter that you were BLUE POPPY, for the love of god.


yeah but was bluepoppy wearing pokadots? I always envision her wearing poka dots. (she'll hate me for saying that) oh and btw, galaxy quest rocks and i've officially added the word "squee" to my vocabulary this week.


We were so worried, young lady! Next time, you call if you're going to miss your curfew!

type a

yes. worried. BAD amalah!

and i cannot believe you posted pictures of your stewpid puppy just to distract your audience. i would NEVER stoop to such a level. i turn my nose up at you.

that's right!


Oh, go make good potty somewhere else then, you type a bitch.

Fraulein N

Yah! Amy's back! With the pictures and the stream of consciousness and the advice and the SJP bashing. Because that's always good.


I get the silence, sister. But as long as you're okay, and focusing on you getting better, than I'm all right with that.

Also, please give me your dog this very instant, if possible. He has banana seat old-school bicycle handlebars for ears!


i am entranced by the gap ads as well, except for when she has on the white fedora. Blech.

And you hated Wicked, too? I forced myself to finish it, but it was COMPLETELY different than what it presents itself to be.

and your dream about Bluepoppy rocks! we are all glad you are still here, heavily medicated or not!

Scarlett Cyn

It's about damn time! I was all freaking the hell out!


I've missed you baby! I hope you are feeling MUCH better... although, easy on mixing the Prozac and Margheritas, willya? Me? I'll skip meds for booze every once in a while. heeeeeee.

Glad you are back. I figured you weren't feelin good if you didn't reply to the couple of truly naughty emails I sent you over the last week.

Mwah. and then some.


Well isn't your baby a propper little lady (see: picture 4). However, I feel that I know her a little too well now (see: picture 1). She is now officially an "internet bitch". Welcome to the club, Ceiba!

Glad that you are back, sweets! You two were cute in red at the REDskins game, but it was, um, a little disappointing that there were no pictures of you in a beer helmet or anything. Work on that will ya?

your adoring handmaiden for ever and ever

Yogagirl you KNOW I love you and for you I would actually wear polka dots. ( I may break out in hives, but for you, anything).

Amy-- I yelled at the waiter? Please don't tell my husband because in real life, . . I do this ALL the time. And send food back. Which makes him crawl under the table in mortification. So that part-- you totally didn't dream that part.


Welcome Back! I had a stressy kind of weekend the puppy pics.


Yay for the back! And for the Ceiba! And for the SJP Gap commercials, because I'm feeling dirty love for them myself.


i must say dear lady i was getting a little flustered about the whole 'disappearing act' you plopped on our poor little heads. but i shall forgive you, so long as you were being a good girl and smooching that puppy face!

also, i have added the pic of the WPC onto my site - yay! i don't know who them bitches are, but they sure are cute! and their dogs. whoo!


Yah for Amalah being back! It sounds like you had a lovely few days, mostly, and that is just fabulous. You should avoid the Tivo for a few minutes and check out the SJP commercial. It's kinda like a train wreck, and maybe a little like a cult, since I found myself in the Gap the other day buying a blazer. Interesting, no?


Amy looks so pretty at the Redskins game. Go pretty dog-loving, drug-taking girl! WE LOVE YOU.


i am in love with your dog. we used to have a red mini doberman, but then we sold her. her name was sassy. and that she was. now my mom just has 2 of the black/brown normal colored mini's, and i love them a ton too. but they all live 3 hours away and i never get to see them.

i am jealous of all the puppy time you get. :) they are good cuddlers, no?


I am so so so sad that you gave up on Wicked. I remember hitting a point in it where I kind of what "Um, what now?" but I did finish it and ended up liking it. But you are in no state to be dealing with a perplexing book; I understand.


Add me to the list of Those Who Worried. I was seriously about to start e-mailing other bloggers/journallers who are friends with you to see if they knew anything but then I decided that would be not only pathetic but slightly creepy and stalker-like. Another couple of days and I would have sucked it up and done it anyway. Glad to see you back and much love, as always, for Ceiba pics!


You know, Max reminds me of the cat in "Get Fuzzy," and I can picture him and Ceiba having the kind of relationship that cat and the dog have, except with Ceiba being squee and airheaded instead of big and slow.

Be good to yourself.


Glad to see you back :-) (and your little dog, too!)

I hated "Wicked" too, and couldn't bring myself to finish it cause life is just too short for crap, yanno?


*returns whimsical-yet-funkified-by-twenty-percent-or-so denim capris with ribbons on them to the Gap*


ok, sara's question about dr.phils son has me peeing a little. hahahaha


Don't you EVER do that again, young lady! /mommy voice

Glad you're hanging in there. Keep it up. :)

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