T.V. From The Fiery Depths of Hell
September 21, 2004
The Gilmore Girls Season Premiere, On A 15-Inch Non-TiVo Television, As Watched By A Girl Who Is Not Used To Such Horror
7:32 Turn on regular television, hoping it has miraculously repaired itself in the past 48 hours
7:33 Pfft. Zzzzz. Crrck. Poof.
7:53 Upstairs to wee television with shitty picture because cat chewed on cable once.
7:55 WHAT CHANNEL IS THE WB? I DON'T KNOW I NEED MY PRETTY GUIDE.
7:57 Martin is on WB. Start singing Martin theme song, which basically consists of: MarTIN! Bump ba bump MarTIN!
7:59 Oh my god. The suspense.
8:00 Recap recap recap. Lorelai = Luke. Emily & Richard = separated. Rory = whore. Check.
8:01 SHIRTLESS DEAN! He's STATICKY! NOOOOOOOOO! I cannot see the shirtlessness through shitty reception. Weep.
8:02 Shut up, Rory.
8:03 "Dean is married" phrase that pays count: 12
8:04 Strummy la laaaaaaaaaaaaa Where you lead, I will follow, laaa laaa.
8:06 Why does Volkswagen insist on using obscure songs in their commercials? Are they like, indie commercials? Art-film cars?
8:07 Shut up, Julianne Moore.
8:08 Britney has a fragrance? Since when? I bet it smells like skank and beef jerky.
8:10 Why is Emily is a cave? Or is that a basement? Why is there a crystal chandelier? Cannot see shit.
8:11 Basement. And now she is not wearing pants. Am glad I cannot see shit.
8:12 OOOOHHHH EMILY WITH THE COMEBACK. SNAP!
8:13 Is that Jess? An errant neighborhood child? Oh, it's Kirk. And...Sookie? The hell? Am so confused.
8:14 Oh right. The Inn. THAT.
8:15 The inn needs better fucking lighting. Is DARK.
8:16 Dean's wife, in cotton nightie, with brownies, offering to cook. The poor, wronged girl who nobody cares about because this show has done zero character development for her.
8:17 Shut up...Dean? The hell? Cheating asshole? Do I really think this? I think I might and I am sad about this.
8:18 Dean: "I'm just tired. Long day." Yeah. A long day of...FUCKING! HAAAAAA!
8:19 Shut up, Pepsi Edge.
8:21 Sookie's baby. Look! A baby! Ok, now go away for a few episodes.
8:22 Blah blah blah townie Taylor bullshit song and dance. I do heart Michel so though. Want to have his leetle snooty babies.
8:23 Ceiba has developed nasty, dirty habit of taking cat poop from litter box and running around house with it. Will care at next commercial break.
8:24 Lorelai and Sookie SQUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! Way too screechy with the bad sound on this piece of shit T.V.
8:25 There was no sex. Do you hear that people? THERE WAS NO LUKE & LORELAI SEX. Wah.
8:26 Wait, Jason's condo was on fire? Did Lorelai like, leave her curling iron on since they broke up and burn his place down? That seems likely.
8:26.483942 Rory just said "That's your prerogative." DRINK!
8:28 Taylor wears a 6.5 narrow shoe. Jason: "Heh. He's small." (Holds up pinkie and thumb to demonstrate)
8:29 Oh, just fuck his brains out already, Lorelai.
8:30 Rory is TOTALLY whoring it up on the little WB promo in-between thingies. Slut and whatnot.
8:31 CEIBA CEIBA CEIBA! I want to eat her up. But I won't. I will just get her spayed on Thursday so she will never, ever become a whore like Rory. Sniff. Poor puppy is about to become a not-woman.
8:32 (Am also getting her baby teeth pulled while she's under. Would it be weird if I asked for one back?)
8:35 Wait, what did all those signs at Miss Patty's say? Ballet? Ice Skating? IF I HAD TiVo I COULD PAUSE AND READ THEM ALL GODDAMN IT.
8:36 Rory! Dean! Get it on! Also, Jason has that shirt he's wearing.
8:37 Lane. Needs. To. Get. Laid.
8:39 Sebastian Bach. Should totally sleep with Lane. That would rock.
8:40 "Dean is married" phrase that pays count: 32
8:43 Blah blah blah Lorelai and Rory Fightingcakes
8:45 Does anyone actually watch One Tree Hill? Anyone? Bueller?
8:48 Rory is going to Europe with Emily. That's...not very interesting.
8:50 So Lindsey is totally a Stepford wife now with the white dress and the meatloaf and whatever.
8:51 And Dean is calling for a booty call or whatever.
8:52 And Rory is going to Europe or whatever and is totally being a petulant brat.
8:53 Yeah, welcome to the world where your parents do not 100% support each and every life decision you make, Rory. Gah.
8:54 Luuuuuke come back and sleeeeep with Looooorelai.
8:55 Jason: "Luke is going to get into a car accident and go into a coma right now."
8:56 No car accident, because nothing ever happens on this show.
8:57 God. Damn. Commercials. Want. To. Throw. Television. Out. Window.
8:58 Did you know that Weebles wobble but they don't fall down? It's true.
8:59 Next week: Rory evolves into full-fledged homewrecker. Shouting. Weeping. Moping.