I Just Kept Typing Until There Were A Lot Of Words
The Wednesday Advice Smackdown

T.V. From The Fiery Depths of Hell

The Gilmore Girls Season Premiere, On A 15-Inch Non-TiVo Television, As Watched By A Girl Who Is Not Used To Such Horror

7:32 Turn on regular television, hoping it has miraculously repaired itself in the past 48 hours

7:33 Pfft. Zzzzz. Crrck. Poof.

7:34 Fuck.

7:44 Wine.

7:53 Upstairs to wee television with shitty picture because cat chewed on cable once.


7:57 Martin is on WB. Start singing Martin theme song, which basically consists of: MarTIN!  Bump ba bump MarTIN!

7:59 Oh my god. The suspense.

8:00 Recap recap recap. Lorelai = Luke. Emily & Richard = separated. Rory = whore. Check.

8:01 SHIRTLESS DEAN! He's STATICKY! NOOOOOOOOO! I cannot see the shirtlessness through shitty reception. Weep.

8:02 Shut up, Rory.

8:03 "Dean is married" phrase that pays count: 12

8:04 Strummy la laaaaaaaaaaaaa Where you lead, I will follow, laaa laaa.

8:06 Why does Volkswagen insist on using obscure songs in their commercials? Are they like, indie commercials? Art-film cars?

8:07 Shut up, Julianne Moore.

8:08 Britney has a fragrance? Since when?  I bet it smells like skank and beef jerky.

8:10 Why is Emily is a cave? Or is that a basement? Why is there a crystal chandelier? Cannot see shit.

8:11 Basement. And now she is not wearing pants. Am glad I cannot see shit.


8:13 Is that Jess? An errant neighborhood child? Oh, it's Kirk. And...Sookie? The hell? Am so confused.

8:14 Oh right. The Inn. THAT.

8:15 The inn needs better fucking lighting. Is DARK.

8:16 Dean's wife, in cotton nightie, with brownies, offering to cook. The poor, wronged girl who nobody cares about because this show has done zero character development for her.

8:17 Shut up...Dean? The hell? Cheating asshole? Do I really think this? I think I might and I am sad about this.

8:18 Dean: "I'm just tired. Long day." Yeah. A long day of...FUCKING! HAAAAAA!

8:19 Shut up, Pepsi Edge.

8:21 Sookie's baby. Look! A baby! Ok, now go away for a few episodes.

8:22 Blah blah blah townie Taylor bullshit song and dance. I do heart Michel so though. Want to have his leetle snooty babies.

8:23 Ceiba has developed nasty, dirty habit of taking cat poop from litter box and running around house with it. Will care at next commercial break.

8:24 Lorelai and Sookie SQUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! Way too screechy with the bad sound on this piece of shit T.V.

8:25 There was no sex. Do you hear that people? THERE WAS NO LUKE & LORELAI SEX. Wah.

8:26 Wait, Jason's condo was on fire? Did Lorelai like, leave her curling iron on since they broke up and burn his place down? That seems likely.

8:26.483942 Rory just said "That's your prerogative." DRINK!

8:28 Taylor wears a 6.5 narrow shoe. Jason: "Heh. He's small." (Holds up pinkie and thumb to demonstrate)

8:29 Oh, just fuck his brains out already, Lorelai.

8:30 Rory is TOTALLY whoring it up on the little WB promo in-between thingies. Slut and whatnot.

8:31 CEIBA CEIBA CEIBA! I want to eat her up. But I won't. I will just get her spayed on Thursday so she will never, ever become a whore like Rory. Sniff. Poor puppy is about to become a not-woman.

8:32 (Am also getting her baby teeth pulled while she's under. Would it be weird if I asked for one back?)

8:35 Wait, what did all those signs at Miss Patty's say? Ballet? Ice Skating? IF I HAD TiVo I COULD PAUSE AND READ THEM ALL GODDAMN IT.

8:36 Rory! Dean! Get it on! Also, Jason has that shirt he's wearing.

8:37 Lane. Needs. To. Get. Laid.

8:39 Sebastian Bach. Should totally sleep with Lane. That would rock.

8:40 "Dean is married" phrase that pays count: 32

8:43 Blah blah blah Lorelai and Rory Fightingcakes

8:45 Does anyone actually watch One Tree Hill? Anyone? Bueller?

8:48 Rory is going to Europe with Emily. That's...not very interesting.

8:50 So Lindsey is totally a Stepford wife now with the white dress and the meatloaf and whatever.

8:51 And Dean is calling for a booty call or whatever.

8:52 And Rory is going to Europe or whatever and is totally being a petulant brat.

8:53 Yeah, welcome to the world where your parents do not 100% support each and every life decision you make, Rory. Gah.

8:54 Luuuuuke come back and sleeeeep with Looooorelai.

8:55 Jason: "Luke is going to get into a car accident and go into a coma right now."

8:56 No car accident, because nothing ever happens on this show.

8:57 God. Damn. Commercials. Want. To. Throw. Television. Out. Window.

8:58 Did you know that Weebles wobble but they don't fall down? It's true.

8:59 Next week: Rory evolves into full-fledged homewrecker. Shouting. Weeping. Moping.




Excellent synopsis, thank you. ;)


hahaa. your timeline was funnier/more interesting than today's episode. they totally could've used that episode as the season finale. it leaves everything just as much out in the open as everything else. WHAT THe HELL!?

waiting impatiently until next week,


oh, by the way... your crap tv? is still bigger than my regular tv. *grin* if that makes you feel any better. :)


HAHAHA @ Brittney's fragance and yes, keep one of Ceiba's lil teethies!


I still have two of Griffin's baby teeth..

Funny entry, and I've never even seen that show. :)

bond girl

I am grateful for this recap b/c, like an idiot, I went to dinner and forgot (how could I forget??) that the season premier of GG was tonight. I am an idiot.


Now I will be giggling through the whole episode remembering your recap of it (since I am on the lovely so far behind West Coast, yay!) And alos, the image od Ceiba running around with poo in her mouth makes me both laugh and shudder.


My boyfriend is a One Tree Hill ADDICT.

I have no idea why. It scares me, but there you go. One person. The ONLY person.


oh, and i forgot to mention... I watch One Tree Hill. As does my sister. so that's two more people.


I don't watch the Gilmore Girls so I was lost but loved the recap anyway. And even if it had sucked it still would have been worth a read just for the reference to Sebastian Bach.

And, as someone who has the cremated remains of former pets, I can wholeheartedly say that NO it would not be weird to keep a Ceiba-tooth.


"smells like skank and beef jerky"? BHUAHAHHAHA!

Fraulein N

That was great, especially the "skank and beef jerky" bit. Because it just might be true. And you should definitely keep one of Ceiba's baby teeth.


damn girl...you so damn funnahhh. cracked my ass right in half.
thanks for the tip on the brittany perfume...i gotta get some...might come in handy on a dark and lonely night...to set the mood for some self inflicted loathing...uh i mean loving.


God, when did Dean become such a jackhole? I wanted Lindsey to stand up and flick him on the forehead when he was being so bitchy to her. Plus his hair sucks now.


Wow. I've never watched Gilmore Girls, but I feel like I need to now. Also? There are two incredibly annoying girls in my office who are obsesssed with One Tree Hill, so that makes me automatically hate it.


If you keep one of her teeths, you should dip it in gold and hang it on a necklace. Because THAT wouldn't be weird.

Oh, and did you hear? Dean is MARRIED. Just checking, because I'm not sure they covered that. Good Lord.


I will no longer peruse TWoP... you do it much better... even with shitty reception and no tivo... Can't wait till next week when all hell breaks loose... YAY !!! Too cute that Jason watched with you, ( My hubby does too ! ) And screw Lane, Baz is all mine...


I miss the Gilmore Girls!

Ceiba be nasty with the poo dragging.

And I CAN'T BELIEVE RORY IS A WHORE. I'm so out of it.

Also, I heart Weebles. Are they back???


Oh my GOD.

People, people. You must jump on the "One Tree Hill" bandwagon this minute. It is so, so trashy and delectable. It's like Melrose Place went in a time machine and on a plane to land at 2004 Fake North Carolina. It is seriously that good. Plus, you can make fun of the "hot" brother's really bad skin!


I love Amy!

She posts Gilmore Girls recaps when I am unable to watch! That makes her my current favorite person on the planet. Plus she doesn't come with commercials, but the much better insulting of commercials!!!

Yeah for Amy!!

type a

asa eats cat turds too. what the hell?

um, i'm pretty sure that the wpc bylaws clearly state that puppy teeth can only be kept if worn around neck like one of those italian horn thingys.


Please don't let your little dog eat the cat poo. They may be delicious to her (granola covered candy bars!), but she will then throw up. Your little dog will be pooping out it's mouth like that episode of South Park.

And that? Is the most disgusting thing EVER to clean up. I still have nightmares about it.

So please stop Ceiba from grazing in the litter box.

The comments to this entry are closed.