Wednesday Advice Smackdown
September 29, 2004
SPECIAL HALF-ASSED THURSDAY EDITION!
I know, I KNOW.
I didn't post an advice column yesterday, to the disappointment of dozens. I was in a long-ass meeting all day at work. (Work! That! Right!) Eight hours long. Both breakfast and lunch were served. (Would an afternoon snack have killed them though?)
I have a New Author at work who I will be editing. Well, I won't be editing HIM, I will be editing stuff he writes. Because clearly I have superior writing and communication skills. He came to the office yesterday so we all had to make a fuss over him and make him feel like a rock star. And in my mind, he IS a rock star, because he likes both James Lileks and South Park. Please do not ask how South Park came up. It just did.
(And it had nothing to do with me doing a Michael Jackson impersonation in front of the New Author. Nothing at all.)
Anyway. I tried to write the entry last night, but I was tapped. Done. Out. Which was a shame, because I got really, really good questions this week. But I just couldn't deliver. A great question about alcohol and drinking games had me ranting about an old bottle of rail-brand blackberry schnapps I found in my booze collection that is so old and sticky you can't get the cap off.
Comedy gold, right? I even started drinking (not the blackberry schnapps), hoping that a drunk advice column would produce some humor.
But instead I just got really tired and fell asleep right after The Apprentice. I made some amusing spelling errors, but that's it.
Anyway, until you little fuckers start paying my bills and supporting my handbag habit, the Wednesday Advice Smackdown may occasionally be pre-empted by work. So calm down, chill and whatnot. And send me some buckets of money.
Here are the two questions I sort of answered last night. I'm posting them only as a cautionary tale to Long Meetings Plus Drinking And Advice-Giving:
Dear Amalah Advice,
I recently started a new online journal at my own domain in August (after jumping around to D*land and LJ and various versions of my domain for three years). I'm finally settled and loving where I am, but I am an attention whore and impatient to boot. I would love to see new readers along with my loyal, terrific moppets who've stayed with me for years. How can I work on my own to get myself more traffic?
P.S. If you ever need a DH for Snarkywood, I'm your bitch.
Ahem. Way to veil the hatred that has been growing within your cold, dark heart ever since I told you how many people hit my site every day. Haaaaaaaaaaaaa.
No, seriously. Good question! And I can help!
1) Comment yo' precious little ass off.
2) Don't even waste your time with the blog search engines or huge blog rings. Bah. Stupid.
3) Link to crap. For just a little while. You can get uppity when you've got the reader base to be uppity. In the meantime, link to anyone and everyone who links to you. I know, I know, you probably just threw up in your mouth a little bit. But it works.
4) Search Blogrolling regularly, even though it only sometimes sort of works and see who's linking to you.
5) Fucking update already, brainiac.
7) Act like you really don't give a damn if anyone is reading, and like you aren't only journaling until a book deal comes along and brings you buckets of money.
8) Attach yourself to more popular writers like a tenacious little leech and get them to mention you or participate in their hugely popular weekly features like, say, fake advice columns.
(Okay, that's what I wrote last night. Is that not the most boringest thing you've ever read? Do I not suck? Do I deserve to have hits in the multiple thousands every day? Do you like how I'm being all self-deprecating but also bragging about being a total Internet Rock Star?)
(Anyway, I command all of you to go over to Hussified and leave Coleen a pretty comment, because she's needy and feeling unloved. Also needy. And you can totally see a picture of her naked ass if you go there right now.)
I'm planning on having a party in a couple of weeks and need some advice on what kind of alcohol I should have on hand. I already have your basic vodka, rum, and tequila, and my fridge is always stocked with quality beer. But what if someone wants some sort of crazy drink like a Cosmopolitan or, in light of recent events, a Hurricane? I don't want to go overboard and buy out the entire liquor store, but I'd like to be able to offer something more than a shot of tequila. (Although, a shot of tequila is quite delicious, as long as you don't go over six shots in a two hour period. The night can turn very ugly after that.)
This would be a lot easier if everyone would just drink beer, but unfortunately they don't. So what do you recommend I buy? Also, is it appropriate to have a beer bong and a game of President & Asshole set up if everyone at the party is between the ages of 24 and 27? Oh, I have some good questions to ask you about drinking games, but I'll save them for another week.
Thanks a lot,
Okay, I might be feeling my drink a little bit. Haaaaaaaaaa, I totally typed "frink" there.
This question is hard, because it's a tremendous amount of responsibility. Have you ever been to an improperly-stocked party? One that only has cheap California chardonnay and Bud Light in cans? Or bourbon with no mixers? It's horrible. HORRRIBLE.
With an extra "R" even.
So I don't want to think about me being potentially responsible for ruining your party with bad advice. I don't need that kind of stress. Instead, I'm just going to list the contents of my liquor cabinet. And wine rack. And vodka corner in the freezer. And beer shelf in the fridge. Feel free to mimic it or simply shake your head at the horror of my alcoholism.
LIQUOR CABINET WHICH IS REALLY JUST THE SHELF OVER WHERE WE KEEP THE GLASSES:
Crown Royal Whiskey
Some super-expensive 18-year-old scotch that tastes like a cigar
Bailey's Irish Cream
Godiva Liquor (yeah, I like to spike my coffee, shut up)
Very very old rail-brand blackberry schnapps
Even older amaretto
Even even older creme de menthe
Jose Cuervo Tequila (mine sworn enemy)
Jim Beam (no longer on speaking terms)
Jack Daniels (fucking asshole)
WINE RACK WHICH HANGS FROM THE CEILING AND IS WAY COOL:
Flowers Pinot Noir, 2001, which was ridiculously expensive and shall never ever be opened.
Columbia Crest Chardonnay, that got a really high rating from Wine Spectator, because we're snooty like that.
Castillo de Something Something, a Spanish chardonnay
Three or four bottles of unidentified Maryland wine bought while inebriated at a local wine festival that I am now too scared to try
VODKA CORNER IN FREEZER, FOR VODKA KEPT ANYWHERE BUT THE FREEZER IS A CRIME AND YOU SHOULD BE ARRESTED:
Skyy Melon (ewwwwwwwww. yuck.)
BEER SHELF IN FRDIGE:
CUrrently empty, if you can fucking belive that.
So what should you buy? Beer in bottles (a lager and a decent light, like Amstel or Sam Adams), red wine (merlot and cabernet), white wine (chardonnay and pinot grigio), quality vodka, rum, gin, tequila, Irish whiskey, Chambord, triple sec, vermouth, juices (lime and cranberry), Coke, Sprite, tonic water, olives, cherries, lemons, limes and coffee.
(Long section re: blackberry schnapps deleted, because LORD.)
See? How lame was that? A couple typos, but nothing of this caliber. An while that's a decent shopping list, I totally ignored the part of the question about drinking games. Bad fake advice columnist! Bad!
So, Sheryl. Don't have the drinking games set up ahead of time, because your guests will most likely want to pretend that they're at a sophisticated grown-up party. But have all the cups and quarters and whatnot available because after people start hitting your gloriously-stocked bar they'll all drop the act and get goofy.
But NO to the beer bong and to any of those nasty-ass flavored malt beverage things. Those are way too trailer. I mean, you aren't hosting a Britney Spears Wedding.
And that's all I did. Because I fell asleep on the couch and drooled. Because I was BURNED OUT after being super professional all damn day, with the exception of the Michael Jackson moment, which totally DID NOT HAPPEN.