Self Interrogation
The Great Amalah Caper

Wickedly Bad & Awful

Or, The Laziest Post Ever

So I had a topic I wanted to write about today. It was something important. I even wrote a few sentences in my head while I was brushing my teeth this morning and they were quite funny and very insightful. I was well on my way to winning a Diarist Award, I know it.

But I have absolutely no frickin' idea what it was now. Life? Death? Dog poop? Why brie cheese with fig jam on French bread is probably the best food combination this side of peanut butter and chocolate?

Nope. It's gone.

So instead? Some random crap, interspersed with selections from an IM conversation I had last night with Mir, because I've already had the conversation, which means way less work and typing now.


And If An Entry Full Of IM Nonsense Wasn't Bad Enough, Here's Some IM Nonsense That Won't Make A Lick Of Sense To Anyone Who Has Not Read The Book WICKED:

Amalah: just read your comment...I didn't give up on Wicked, I finished it
Amalah: Just thought the story kind of fell about after she went to the Vinkus

Mir: I read it years ago, so I'm fuzzy on details... but I do remember thinking it kinda dropped.

Amalah: And I sooooo could have done without the Star Warsian "The Wizard is your FAAATTHHHER!" thing. At that point? Literally chucked the book across the room.

Mir: true

Amalah: But the first half? Amazing. Loved it.

Mir: me too
Mir: I'm glad you finished it...sorry it was disappointing.

Amalah: want to rewrite the ending for him
Amalah: i was just a little letdown. like I wanted the ruby slippers to have more significance…some cool witchy magic power thing, not because the Witch’s daddy never loved her and wah wah wah

Mir: heh yeah I know what you mean
Mir: Now I kinda want to read it again, but I know it's just going to piss me off.

Amalah: hee
Amalah: I'm still interested in seeing the musical in NY though...I heard they rewrote the second half of the book to the point of being unrecognizable

Mir: Oooh, I wonder what they did.

Amalah: Plus it's got Joey McIntyre from New Kids on the Block as Fiyero! My hearthrob!

Mir: But, um, I dug "Into the Woods" so I'm guessing I would like it.
Mir: LOL

Amalah: I heard that they cut out Liir and kept Glinda in it more

Mir: I wonder if that pissed off the author.

Amalah: less time at the castle debating the nature of good and evil endlessly and such
Amalah: The author needs to shut up and praise the Unnamed God for every royalty check he gets


My next-door neighbor was induced at 7 a.m. this morning. This is her second baby. Jason and I started trying to get pregnant right around the time the first baby was born.

To say that I am jealous, bitter, resentful, unhappy, petulant, angry, bratty, selfish, hurt and sullen about this would...well, that would probably be about right.

Basically, green with envy. Like the Wicked Witch!


Mir: I need to write something people will pay for.  I could get used to royalty checks.

Amalah: Yes, or write a musical that can charge $100 a seat to see a New Kid try to sing.

Mir: That's genius.  I don't know that I can aim so high.

Amalah: You are going to be a VP though!
Amalah: Your readers BELIEVE in you!

Mir: Oh yes!  I left a very lovely, earnest, and not at all stalkerish message for my contact at Big Company today.
Mir: "Remember me?  I'm just checking in!  Hoping to hear from you soon!  I love Big Company with all my heart!"
Mir: *cue music appropriate for the selling of one's soul*

Amalah: Hmm...definitely should be a NKOTB song

Mir: Absofuckinglutely.

Amalah: Step by step, ooh baby, gonna get a job in your wor-or-ld

Mir: heeeeeeee

Amalah: (please do not judge me for still knowing New Kids lyrics)
Amalah: (I was a very lonely child)

Mir: You poor dear!

Amalah: I wrote them stern letters after they used the word "hell" in one of their songs.

Mir: Did you really???

Amalah: yes.
Amalah: in sixth grade.

Mir: Oh my.

Amalah: I felt it was too risqué.

Mir: In your middle school yearbook, do you have big bangs and look very earnest?

Amalah: YES
Amalah: nightmare

Mir: hee that's a very amusing mental image.

Amalah: I? Was Not Cool.
Amalah: I took Not Cool to new and frightening levels.

Mir: But look at you now!  So cool!

Amalah: ‘bout effing time, really.

Mir: You worked hard for it, clearly. 


Haiku Smackdown IIIVVVXXMMM: The Death of Smackdown

Yeah, so the Thursday Haiku Smackdown seems to have died. After one too many Wednesday nights of going "Oh SHIT" and throwing some pictures together, only to have participation and ku quality drop more and more each week, only to be so UNBELIEVABLY BORED OF THE ENTIRE CONCEPT, everyone here at Smackdown Grand Central all kind of stopped caring.

I'm sorry to disappoint the, oh, four of you who still care. Maybe we'll make it a monthly thing. The First Thursday of the Month Haiku Smackdown? The Second Tuesday of Months Ending in "R" Haiku Smackdown? Well. We'll see.

Wait! I know! We'll get Cousin Oliver to haiku! Maybe two 'kuers could get married! We could do a special edition from Hawaii! Or maybe a Very Special Smackdown where we all write anti-drug and alcohol 'ku.

Or we could all just move on with our lives and write sonnets, or something.


And Speaking Of Cousins:

Mir: By the way?  I am watching The Miracle Worked on ABC Family and that's enough to make anyone feel better about their sucky life.  At least I can see (sort of) and hear!


Mir: It hasn't gotten to that part yet

Amalah: Is it the old one? With what's her name? Patty Duke?

Mir: Is that who it is?  I have no idea.
Mir: I think it's a slightly newer one.

Amalah: Patty Duke had that sitcom...where she played herself and her identical cousin
Amalah: i also watched a lot of Nick at Night as a teenager

Mir: Whaaaaaat?
Mir: LOL

Amalah: Identical Cooooousins
Amalah: or something
Amalah: that was the theme song

Mir: Identical. Cousins.
Mir: Brain. Hurts.

Amalah: I know you're totally singing it now

Mir: Nope, never heard of it!

Amalah: I think it was a post-Parent Trap thing

Mir: ah

Amalah: IMDB! Prove that I am not hallucinating!

Mir: Well you're a bit younger than me on account of I am old and decrepit, so maybe I missed it somehow.

Amalah: its a fairly old show...70's I think
Amalah: 1963

Mir: If you were watching Nick at Night in high school, I would've been in college and without a TV.

Amalah: Not crazy! Look!
Amalah: Patty and Cathy. Identical cousins. Yes.

Mir: That's just wrong on so many levels.

Amalah: ah know
Amalah: was horrible


I just realized that my best friend's wedding, the wedding that I am in, is about two weeks away. I do not have shoes. I was going to order shoes online about a month ago, but decided to check out Nordstrom Rack before I bought anything because they'd probably have something similar. I have not been to Nordstrom Rack and now I cannot remember what site had the shoes I wanted, or even what those shoes looked like.

And I also think I MAY or MAY NOT have heard Ceiba chewing on something that MAY or MAY NOT have been a beaded strap of my bridesmaid dress, which is still in a heap on my closet floor, waiting to be dry cleaned/pressed/steamed or whatever. And now I cannot bear to look at the dress in case the strap is ruined. I shall instead just ignore it and hopefully it has enough time to become sentient and repair itself like something from Star Trek.

And maybe Glinda the Good Witch shall arrive in a big pink bubble with some shoes. Yes.


Mir: That's the version I'm watching.

Amalah: GAH! Its that little girl from the Pepsi commercials!

Mir: "Starring Alison Elliot as Anne Sullivan! And she was never heard from again."
Mir: Yes, that's her.

Amalah: She creeps me out.
Amalah: That is one star-studded cast!

Mir: She's actually good in this.  I mean, for a little kid, she does a great job.
Mir: She got creepy later.

Amalah: Twila Provencher! Eugene Lipinski!

Mir: All my favorites!

Amalah: Hee. I am so funny sometimes.



Yeah, I know.

That was like, the most weak-ass entry ever.

Look, I KNOW, okay? I really had a good idea this morning and have spent all day trying to remember it, but I'm giving up. This was better than NOTHING, right?

That's...debatable. Much like the future of the Haiku Smackdown.

Oh my God.

What? What?

I totally just remembered what it was that I was going to write about.


Well, for one thing, it did not involve me talking to myself in this stupid little way.

That's a start. Anything else?

Shit. I just forgot again.

Stupidest. Girl. Ever.

If I only had a brain!

Oh my God. Shut up. SHUT UP!



See, I totally wasn't going to tell you to read "Confessions of an Ugly Stepsister," but now I think you should, because I didn't like "Wicked" but liked that one.

Also, if you remember what this entry was supposed to be about, mind writing one for me?


My girlfriend saw Wicked a few weeks ago, AND got to go backstage AND got to meet Joey McIntyre (oh, excuse me, Joe McIntyre.) She claims to have had a picture taken with him, but so far, I have not seen it. All I have seen is a blurry photo taken with her camera phone, so she may have totally been lying. Except would someone lie about meeting a New Kid?


Have not read Wicked but just saw the show the day before yesterday...
ending = fooey! Disappointing. Especially after the beginning.
Joey = Oh... bad idea. Sad. Should take toys, go home.
Show = worth seeing, though. Shiny, green, pretty. Maybe now I will read the book.

Miss W

Ok, I hate you now. Step by step, Oh Amy, I wanna punch you in the no-o-o-ose. Can't...stop..singing. At my desk. Where people make fun of me for singing this! (As they should)


I saw Wicked with the original cast and enjoyed it. A friend read the book after I saw the play and kept asking me "How did they do this?" Huh? That was not in there. None of it. So it must be very different.


I just want it noted for the record that I WAS NOT CRYING when Miss Annie spelled "I love Helen" at the end. There was something in my eye! Really. Also, images of big-bangs Amy haunted my dreams last night.

Fraulein N

Crap. Why has everyone in the world seen Wicked except me? And I loved the book. That makes me sad. I am also sad that Mir has not seen The Patty Duke Show. And that I have that theme song stuck in my head now.


For some reason I feel left out. Like the last kid that got picked for dodgeball or something. I should go to the library. . .

type a

dude, the patty duke show ROCKED and it used to come on right before dobie gillis on nick at nite. am only child.

also? i would sooo never type out a conversation between me and someone else just to get a post up.

never ever.


The musical Wicked borrows a few character names from the book...that's about it. I didn't really enjoy the book at all, but I loved the musical. Then again, there weren't any New Kids in it when I saw it.

suzanna danna

Thanks guys. Um, I don't just have that Joey guy's creepy fang teeth look stuck in my head, but for some reason, I also have Menudo's "Hold Me" stuck on repeat in there as well.

Can't seem to remember, but want to share in my hell?

Join me...


I think it's strange that when I hear Wolf chewing on something, I can tell if it's something he's supposed to be chewing on or not. Weird!


I watched the Patty Duke show all the freakin' time. Identical Couuuuuusins...

Yeah, hi, another Nick at Niter here. Mr. Ed? Check! My Three Sons? Check! The Donna Reed Show? Double check!


Super. I have the Patty Duke Show song on replay in my head. Also? Please tell me you noticed that Alison Elliott had a spot on Who's the Boss?


I am with whoever suggested Confessions of an Ugly Stepsister. Was better than Wicked (even though I sort of liked Wicked--because that weird erotic night club scene freaks me out).


I always talk to myself in that stupid little that a bad thing?

Books hard to follow: House of Leaves... way strange - as if you asked.


(Sung to the tune of the Patty Duke Show) Meet Amy who's been most everywhere from penn state to Logan Square...But Ceiba likes to rock-n-roll puppy chow makes her lose control what a crazy pair..

um..oh rats ..i have to work on this...


it seems that Wicked touches a chord with everyone! And color me jealous that you get to IM with the lovely Mir.


You. Still Crack. Me. Up.


I am going to stop lurking and comment! You are so hilarious... I haven't read Wicked and I probably WON'T because I read Confessions of an Ugly Stepsister... and I had a very hard time getting through it. The cover made it look like it was going to be funny, and it wasn't. AT. ALL.
It was more like, "throw me off something high, please" depressing. Anyway.
I live in NYC-- and I STILL haven't seen the musical, even though I am dying to.
And don't feel bad about knowing NKOTB lyrics. I still remember almost all of them (unfortunately) because I, too, was NOT. COOL. in the sixth grade and spent alot of time in my room listening to them. Whoops. I am going on and on. Is there a limit to comment length limit on here, oh queen of the funny?
I guess I'm just making up for all that time I spent lurking, sorry.

Scarlett Cyn

Ok, you were showing ME the shoes for the wedding. Problem is, I can't remember the name of the damn site either. (thought I saved in my Favorites, but I didn't, damn me for a silly bitch)I Seem to remember "Blue" or some such in the name and you described the site as the equivalent of "an online crack fix for shopaholics". Does this help at all?

Shit, probably not.


Hey, I knew/know the lyrics to NKOTB songs and I've always been kickass. Any young girl who did not like New Kids in 1989 or who wore crispy mall bangs while smelling of Malibu Musk perfume was the not cool one.

Right? Please yes because I would hate to stop using the word kickass as one of my descriptives.



Malibu Musk, people. MALIBU MUSK!

My entire junior high life just flashed before mine eyes.


"Cooouuusssins. Identical counsins, and you'll find...."
It is only because I just had a root canal and am on plenty of Darvocet that I am not completely annoyed that I now have that song firmly implanted in my brain. Like maybe, forever. "Cooouuuussins".

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