Catch the Fever
This Is Not An Entry About Ashlee Simpson

Complaints & Advice & Such

I'm still alive. I'm sure you're all relieved.

Seriously, I will be the first to admit that I am the BIGGEST baby about being sick. I'm a nightmare. I expect the entire world to stop spinning until I feel better. And the entire world needs to bring me tea and sympathy and soup. So when I'm feeling shitty and I have to go to work? Holy hell, that's just tragic.

And yes, I know October is not flu season. Shut it. I know the damn flu when I get it. I don't need no stinking CALENDAR dictating my diagnosis, thank you very much. There's actually been a strain of stomach flu wreaking havoc in the DC area for a few weeks now and I seem to have picked up some sort of bizarre hybrid strain of it.

I never, ever get flu shots either, because I never, ever get the flu. Except when I get flu shots. Huh. The last flu shot I got was in college and good lord, it very nearly killed me. And I thought I was being all grown-up and responsible by getting the shot without anyone telling me to and I called my mom to proudly report on how well I could take care of myself. And she was all, "NO! YOU DON'T GET THE FLU SHOT! YOU ARE ALLERGIC YOU BIG DUMMY. WHY DO YOU THINK I HAVE NEVER TAKEN YOU FOR A FLU SHOT EVER? WHAT KIND OF MOTHER DO YOU THINK I AM?"


See, I am allergic to antibiotics. All. Antibiotics. Penicillins, erythromycins, tetracyclines, sulfas, you name it. Swell up like beach ball. Hives. Fever. Drama. And duh, people with allergies like mine are not supposed to get flu shots or certain other vaccinations. (Like the chicken pox vaccine, which I learned the hard way TWO WEEKS BEFORE MY OWN WEDDING. Bah! Whole other story there.)

(I'm very much about the sentence fragments and angry capital letters today. Not sure what that's about.)

Anyway. That was the end of flu shots for me as I was plowed over with the flu for a month. La la la.

But! Am better today. Still have a wicked hacking cough and a headache and my back is hurty and sore. Food is not my friend, unless it is chicken soup food. But I do feel better.

In fact, I feel better enough to write a Special Bonus Friday Edition of the Wednesday Advice Smackdown. Since y'all were so good about sending the resident idiot all new questions after she deleted all the old ones, I will answer a few today. The rest? On Wednesday, just as God intended.

Dear Amalah, Queen of Everything,

I need your help.  I've recently discovered knitting. Yes, knitting. The "hello, I'm someone's's an ugly sweater and some mittens you will never wear" knitting.  Except I'm not anybody's grandma, and I haven't made a sweater or any mittens yet.  I've made hats. And scarves. And a purse.  But I live in Texas, so the only thing that might get any actual use would be the purse. I'm addicted. I can't stop. I knit when I walk, when I wait for the bus, when I'm on the bus. I knit during dinner and tv-watching. I knit in bed.  I've considered taking it with me to the bathroom, but have actually put my foot down there, and set it down. At work? I sneak away from the counter where I work to secretly knit a few stitches here and there. It's a disease. And it's spreading.. to all of my friends.

And yarn? Don't even get me started on all of the yarn I've bought and am currently drooling over buying.

How can I curb this addiction and become a normal human being again??

My name is Manda, and I'm a knitting addict.

Dude, seriously, what is with all the knitting? Everybody knits now. There are knitting blogs. Knitting blogs! What's next, um…shit. Was trying to think of some funny thing like "paint-drying blogs" only not so bloody obvious. Cannot. Moving on.

I do not knit. I do not do anything crafty like that. I don’t remember the last thing that I made with my own two hands that did not involve ice cubes.

Many of my friends knit. And yet I have not received any scarves or sweaters or anything. I'm a little ticked about this, because DC gets very cold and windy and I could catch a cold if I don't have a scarf. Or the flu! Again!

What an inconsiderate bunch of bastards I have for friends. For real.

Anyway. I have no advice on how to deal with a knitting addiction. Perhaps try replacing it with a more conventional addiction? Alcohol? Cocaine?

Or maybe you could knit me a damn scarf. Make it stripy and trendy and match my purse.

Question for the Empress of advice....

What should I be for Halloween? I mean here's the thing..I wear glasses. Without  them I have all the ocular power of that skater girl in "Ice Castles". So anything I throw on has to include the specs in the mix.

Any suggestions?


(Ice Castles? What?)

(Also, why have I not been invited to any Halloween parties? What the hell is wrong with my friends? Is it because I don’t knit?)

Anyway, a few costume suggestions that could involve prescription eyewear:

1)  Harry Potter (get someone to make you a scarf)
2)  Warren Buffett
3)  Pirate Ghost
4)  Tina Fey
5)  Naughty Librarian
6)  Naughty Warren Buffett
7)  Milhouse
8)  That one guy in that show who wears glasses
9)  Dilbert
10)  St. Hubbins, the patron saint of quality footwear

Ok, so I love you and all and am all about helping a sister out in her time of need when she needs people to give fake advice to. Also you make me laugh until I start choking because I have the Vulcan Death Flu and when you are laughing you can't sneeze and all the snot runs down the back of your throat and so, the choking. And if it weren't for you I would never have known about hot saucing and the brilliance that is Lisa Welchel and my life would be sadly incomplete. Anyway, here is my question, oh brilliant Amy:

Having recently gotten off the zany fun that is the infertility roller coaster, Mr. Ex and I decided we should try to, um, renew the part of marital relations where it is actually fun and, you know, not scheduled and mechanical and about the temperatures and the charting and the shots in the butt and whacking off in the doctor's office (that's him, not me). I seem to remember at one time that we actually enjoyed this activity, but it's kind of a blur. Any suggestions for, er, getting the Hot back after a couple of years of "What, you're ovulating AGAIN?" would be greatly appreciated. 

Also this is not technically advice but WHAT is WITH the women on The Apprentice this year? How is Carolyn restraining herself from punching them all in the face? Because that is what I would do. Except for Lil Stacy who I would just step on.


HAAAAAAAAAA! NO MORE LIL WEE STACY! FIREDFIREDFIRED. I could not be happier about last night's episode. Unless someone personally brought me Wee Stacy and let me smack her precious snooty little face.

(At this point Jason will be IMing me to remind me that Stacy is a "person" with "feelings" and I shouldn't be so "mean" and "violent" all the time. Whatever.)

Anyway. Sex after infertility. Christ. The hell if I know. I certainly wouldn't recommend going on a cocktail of numbing antidepressants, that's for sure. I shall spare you the details, but wah. Wah wah wah.

I'd recommend taking a vacation though. Get a cheap flight and spend all your money on an upgraded room and room service. Get champagne delivered with your breakfast each morning.

If you can't afford to actually fly anywhere, just take a couple days off and stay in your own city. Again with the nice room and the room service and champagne and a big tub or shower. Lounge around and anytime one of you says, "I'm getting bored, why don't we actually *do* something?"

Well then, you do each other. "Fuck," as the common people say.

Good luck, and please don't tell me if you decide to reincorporate the shots in the butt for fun. Because ew.




Yay, you are feeling better. But you did make me snort at my desk, especially with the rant about Wee Stacy.


So very happy that you are feeling better. I, too, have friends who have been enraptured by the knitting craze, yet I've received no scarves or hats either. Dammit.


lil stacy was on the today show this morning. she wanted everyone to know about her website and that she was single. i know you all desparately want to know what that webaddress was, but i'm afraid i've blocked it out.


Hurray! Amalah is feeling marginally human again! And you're so right, Ceiba COULD do that! With Max's help on fetching the celphone. :)


Maybe...all of the knitted scarfs and hats and gloves and sox are being sold on eBay or something. Because really, how else could one afford to support that habit? Have you SEEN the price of yarn???

Also, glad you are feeling better.


Oh man, if you haven't gone already, you MUST visit Stacy's site.
Utter hilarity and bad photos.


You fun nee. For real.


Scuzi? You don't know Ice Castles? Go rent it now. Unless you don't get the scarf, in which case you should rent it the next time you're sick. Because you're going to throw up at all the Robby Benson 'we forgot about the roses' glory.


if you want a scarf and will get the yarn, I will knit one for you

feisty girl

How sad is it that I would rather chance the flu that get a flu shot?


yay! i'm going to be a coke and/or alcohol addict! :D thank you for the wonderful advice. ;)

also? while my group of friends was over here last night, and i saw your favorite person in the entire world get fired, i was like "OH MY GOD! AMALAH WILL BE SOOOO HAPPY!" and my friends are like, "who?" ... apparently they haven't heard of the Queen of Everything.

also.. i'll knit you a scarf, if you want. :) just lemme know what colors you'd like :D


Ice Castles is a treacly bad movie with Robby Benson and Coleen Dewhurst.Benson is at his marblemouthed best as a boy who loves a figure skater who after a fall is practically blind. Hijinks ensue.


Glad you are feeling better...what is this about shit-blogs? I'm sure I misread. Anyway, I hope your weekend is now salvaged health.

Someone should go as Brooke Shield's original eyebrows for halloween--I'd pay to see that.



Colleen Dewhurt, Pratt. Please don't give the poor dead awesome actress a complex about her spelling. Like I have.

Also, I am 30% finished my halloween outfit, and I could not be more excited. If you have no parties, come up here with Ceiba for the weekend! I have about eleventy billion that are all must-attends.


Whew, I am so glad to know I'm not the only one recently addicted to yarn. It's like hands-on crack without the bad side effects. Plus you can give it to kids, friends, grannies and great folks like the QOE and not feel bad about including them in your "habit".

One more thing, I HAD to show the co-workers Ceiba in her fall jacket. The room was full of SQUEE about the twee pup. She needs her own website!

It's so good to know you're on the mend! Take care!


I, too, have wondered, "What is with the knitting?"


I dont get the knitting thing either. I appreciate it as a hobby - but exactly HOW did it become SUCH the hobby? What ever happend to friendship bracelets. I can make the hell out of some friendship bracelets.

type a

you know i have a scarf with your name on it. but i'll crochet, rather than knit, if it would please your magesty.

suzanna danna

O-Mah-Gah... I just got back from being away for eleventy-four days and this? was the bestest present ever... especially this... "Without them I have all the ocular power of that skater girl in "Ice Castles"."... and then.. with the... this... "(Ice Castles? What?)"... and then "2) Warren Buffett" and then with the Hee.. “8) That one guy in that show who wears glasses”... oh shit, you get the idea... I just loved that so very much.



Oh, and hate wee Stacey, glad she got fired. Hee!


"shots in the butt for fun".

HEE HEE HEE HEE HEE. Weeping openly in a library for laughing so hard. I blame you, but in that "do it again, Amy! Again!" sort of way.



Thank you for the advice. Because of the Vulcan Death Flu I am only now catching up and realizing that you honored me by posting my weirdly Nyquil-inspired letter. I am also very happy that Lil Stacy is goooooone from my tv! While she may be a "person" with "feelings" she is so clearly clueless that I don't think it would ever occur to her that we were making fun of her instead of being highly sympathetic, so I'm really not concerned about that so much.

Also I am glad you are feeling better as well. This flu totally kicked my ass.

It had never occured to me to try the butt shots for fun but now? Maybe I will mention it. I'll cozy all up to Mr. Ex and be all "hon? I have something for you!" and then I'll whip out the hypodermic. I think it's his turn.

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