Bitches, I am TIRED today. In an effort to not become a total tranquilizer sleeping pill addict and end up like Winona Ryder stealing Coach bags from Neiman's while sleepwalking, I went sleeping-pill free all weekend.
The worst part was actually not the not-sleeping-part. The worst part was the crazy-ass dreams I had when I did manage to sleep for an hour or two.
Dream #1 involved me posing as a flight attendant. It was a high-pressure masquerade, as I kept whacking people in the elbows with the beverage cart until one guy stood up and yelled that I was the WORST STEWARDRESS EVER and that I should be fired. And then all the oxygen masks fell from the ceiling! And the captain informed me that we were all going to die! And there were all these damn passengers who wouldn't put on their damn oxygen masks because it was against their religion. Gah.
(And during the whole dream I kept wishing I was allowed to operate my laptop so I could write an entry about it. That's dedication, people.)
Dream #2 involved a volcano, a bicycle, the city of Des Moines and Krusty the Klown from The Simpsons. Enough said.
Dream #3 was like, the mother of anxiety dreams. I was on deadline at work but I hadn't read my publication once. I was also barefoot and my throat was so sore I couldn't talk. My friend Andie also worked in my office and announced that she was pregnant and everybody asked me why I hadn't had a baby yet and I started to cry, and then my office Bubbe slapped me and told me to grow up. I ran back to my office to call my mom, only to find that my new window office was actually a big room I had to share with five of the most annoying coworkers I've had from all my past jobs. And the windows were all boarded up just out of spite. And then my desk turned into a bed with really filthy sheets. And then a huge praying mantis crawled out from under my pillow and ate my dog.
I decided to just stay awake after that last one.
Oh! And my car's battery was dead this morning. The carwash guys apparently turned on the interior light while vacuuming. I would like to go back and demand the $3 I put in the tip box back. So that was really fun.
And Andie is back from Hawaii and informed me that while they were not eaten by any volcanoes, they did bike down one. So, um, sweetie? Remind me to smack you next time I see you, for you is BATSHIT CRAZY. You may also need to buy me a retroactive drink to calm me down.
Anyway, y'all must excuse me, as I'm off to inspect my still-under-construction window office and make sure that the window is not boarded up and that there are no dog-eating insects.
Then I might take a little nap.