Shatner To the Rescue
Wednesday Advice Recipedown

Dreams Dreams Dreams

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Yes, really.

Bitches, I am TIRED today. In an effort to not become a total tranquilizer sleeping pill addict and end up like Winona Ryder stealing Coach bags from Neiman's while sleepwalking, I went sleeping-pill free all weekend.

The worst part was actually not the not-sleeping-part. The worst part was the crazy-ass dreams I had when I did manage to sleep for an hour or two.

Dream #1 involved me posing as a flight attendant. It was a high-pressure masquerade, as I kept whacking people in the elbows with the beverage cart until one guy stood up and yelled that I was the WORST STEWARDRESS EVER and that I should be fired. And then all the oxygen masks fell from the ceiling! And the captain informed me that we were all going to die! And there were all these damn passengers who wouldn't put on their damn oxygen masks because it was against their religion. Gah.

(And during the whole dream I kept wishing I was allowed to operate my laptop so I could write an entry about it. That's dedication, people.)

Dream #2 involved a volcano, a bicycle, the city of Des Moines and Krusty the Klown from The Simpsons. Enough said.

Dream #3 was like, the mother of anxiety dreams. I was on deadline at work but I hadn't  read my publication once. I was also barefoot and my throat was so sore I couldn't talk. My friend Andie also worked in my office and announced that she was pregnant and everybody asked me why I hadn't had a baby yet and I started to cry, and then my office Bubbe slapped me and told me to grow up. I ran back to my office to call my mom, only to find that my new window office was actually a big room I had to share with five of the most annoying coworkers I've had from all my past jobs. And the windows were all boarded up just out of spite. And then my desk turned into a bed with really filthy sheets. And then a huge praying mantis crawled out from under my pillow and ate my dog.

I decided to just stay awake after that last one.

Oh! And my car's battery was dead this morning. The carwash guys apparently turned on the interior light while vacuuming. I would like to go back and demand the $3 I put in the tip box back. So that was really fun.

And Andie is back from Hawaii and informed me that while they were not eaten by any volcanoes, they did bike down one. So, um, sweetie? Remind me to smack you next time I see you, for you is BATSHIT CRAZY. You may also need to buy me a retroactive drink to calm me down.

Anyway, y'all must excuse me, as I'm off to inspect my still-under-construction window office and make sure that the window is not boarded up and that there are no dog-eating insects.

Then I might take a little nap.

Comments

Sheryl

Yeah, check under your pillow tonight too. I know I'll be checking under mine.

type a

you tip $3.00? goodness . . .

when i stopped drinking, for, like, a day? i had the craziest dreams too . . . my teeth kept falling out. wtf?

Coleen

See, and I'm just sleepy today because I took two Tylenol PM last night. Remind me to buy a dream journal for you and the J, girl, because daaaaaamn.

andrea

a drink? just one?? who are we fooling here?

Mir

A retroactive drink or a radioactive drink? I'm thinking the latter might be more in order after all that....

girlwonder

i'm just happy you started a sentence with the word Bitches. that makes everything alright.

Heather

I had too much wine on Saturday (no, really, waaayyy too much), and had the scariest dreams ever that night. After the last one, where I was being pursued by some sort of zombie/spider creature, I decided to just stay awake, as well. Good times.

Jazzy

I wouldn't sleep either.

GranolaSpice

Ha! Am crazier than you! Neener, neener. Once dreamt I was Charles Manson escaping from prison. Couldn't sleep for a month afterward. Too real. And that's pretty normal for my dreams. I'm terrified of my subconsious.

Sarcomical

oh MY!

well, maybe the flight attendant dream was a bad britney-video-reenactment b/c of all the dumbasses who are pissy about the brit stuff on snarkywood. bah!

also, i can see MAYBE doing a helicopter ride OVER a volcano. ...but a BIKE RIDE??? how the hell do you out-bike molten lava? i am sceered! tell your friend she has sceered us all!

Scarlett Cyn

Ok Amy, you win. Hands down. I thought MY dreams were freaky, but no, yours are. Although, thank you baby, NOW I will freak the hell out about the whole pillow thing, cause I'm like that.

Feel better honey. SOON. Kisses and mucho hugs.(Ceiba ok, right?)

spammit

Back from the edge of nowhere. Glad to see you are feeling better - also, me likey being called Bitch :^)

I have totally had the dream of teeth falling out. I nearly cheeze-whizzed myself it was so scary. And then someone told me it means you are going to die, and then I again nearly expelled some kimd of processed, chemically goo. But then, I lived, so I give that person the finger every time I see them now.

cheers!

Zoot

committed to blogging, even in your dream! And if its any consolation - - it seems like everyone I know (including elderly family members) has/have been pregnant in at least one dream of mine. I've got one neighbor who is ALWAYS pregnant in my dreams. Weird.

Shiz

You. Poor. Baby.

Those are terrible dreams. We don't want you to be Winona Rider, but come on, please get some sleep, okay?

We heart Amalah.

Shiz

And HOW FUNNY is your dream about being the world's worst stewardess? Except for the we're all going to die part and people yelling at you. But hey, I was once the guest lead singer for Aerosmith in a dream. How funny is that? You'd be a GREAT flight attendant if you could speak your mind to everyone on the plane. I'd pay money to see that!

suzanna danna

Sleep well sweet pea.

Oh, and Elvira sends her loave.

Fraulein N

Well, if you're gonna go cold turkey on your sleeping pills, I suppose the weekend's the time to do it.

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