The Coupon Adventure
Wednesday Advice Smackdown

Eruption

OH MY GOD PEOPLE.

Volcano

OH MY MERCIFUL GOD IN HEAVEN.

For those who haven't been reading very long and who haven't obsessively combed through my archives so as to catch every desperate crumb of Amalah goodness, you may not know that I? Am absolutely terrified of volcanoes.

No, for real.

STOP LAUGHING.

It's all fucking public television's fault too, but I've already told you that whole story.

So the past week? Has not been a good one for me. Jason was actually afraid to tell me about Mount St. Helens erupting again. He actually took my hand gently and looked into my eyes and said, "Baby, everything is going to be all right, but I think you should know that Mount St. Helens is erupting again AND EVERYBODY IS GOING TO DIE A FIERY MOLTEN DEATH OF POMPEIIAN PROPORTIONS."

He might not have said that last part, but I kind of blacked out for a while so it's fuzzy.

To make things even worse, Andie is on her honeymoon in Hawaii right now. HAWAII. WHICH IS BASICALLY DOZENS OF DORMANT VOLCANOES THAT ARE JUST WAITING FOR AMY OR ONE OF HER FRIENDS TO VISIT. Maui is fucking going to explode and eat Andie and Jim whole, and there's nothing I can do about it, because Jason won't let me call them.

How do I know this? Because the volcanoes KNOW. When one erupts? It sends vibrations through the tectonic plates to all the other volcanoes that NOW is the TIME for the APOCOLYPSE and then BOOM, they will all erupt at the same time like they did in that one part of Disney's Fantasia.

Do not even attempt to argue with me on this. That's just good science right there.

Also, I am fairly certain that there is a dormant volcano under Washington, DC, that will also get the bat signal from St. Helens and erupt and I will die. And then you will all be sorry. The whole world will be in chaos like some bad Jerry Bruckheimer movie and Will Smith will be all, "WHY DIDN'T YOU LISTEN TO AMY, MR. PRESIDENT? SHE KNEW THIS WOULD HAPPEN!"

And then Martin Sheen will look pensive and turn to his evil vice president who got my letter about the tectonic plates but hid it because it would uncover decades of government corruption and say, "May God have mercy on us all."

And then lava bursts through the windows of the Oval Office and everyone dies. The end.

(If anyone needs me, I will be balled up under my desk weeping softly.)

(And you think I'm kidding, don't you?)

(Wah.)

Comments

Jasara

first... BREATHE!
second... BREATHE AGAIN!

i'm not gonna try to argue with you on this one, 'cause i'm the first one to hide under my desk here in NYC... in fact... it's a superb place to take a mid-day nap.

wait... did i just say that?

type a

girl, you may be the queen of everything, but i am the Queen MUM of irrational fears. so, move the eff over . . . i think i see a spider.

Sabine

Bwahahahahahaha - hell, I am a degreed Geologist and you almost had me believin'. No worries Amy, you'll be fine in Washington, DC. I promise!

Manda

hahah. you'll be okay, Amy. :) You're clear across the country. :)

Oliquig

Also, some fucker over at HBO must have a whacked sense of humor, as the movie Volcano was on when I came home yesterday. morons.

Serenity

Queen of Everything, you will be perfectly fine and safe. I was 9 when Mt. St. Helens blew her top in 1980 and I lived in that state a mere 200 miles away. All that happened was we heard a big "BOOM!" and the air and ground was covered in ash for about two weeks.

No biggie...as long as you aren't like right at the edge of the crater, looking in, "Gee, looks like the might actually erup...aaaaaah!", you're going to be okay.

Oh and Type A...being afraid of those eight legged freaks is not irrational. Those things will bite you and suck your blood dry.

Scarlett Cyn

And here I thought I was the only silly bitch around when I was staring at Extreme Weather the other day on Discovery Channel. Yeah, about 3 days after Frances hit EVERYWHERE. They covered it all.... hurricaines, tornadoes, electrical storms, monsoons, floods, earthquakes. Asswipes. And stoopid me siting there tranxfixed like a deer caught in the headlights.

Oh, and about the volcanoes? Every time I see some freaking geologist wandering around those steam vents and still pretty gooshy lava in their silver tinfoil suits, i feel like retching, only I don't, cause I'm too busy cussing at them like they can hear me or somethin.

Amalah

I love and appreciate how everyone is trying to comfort me by pointing out how far away I am from Vancouver. It's very sweet. But really, it's like trying to convince that homeless guy on the corner to stop arguing with the mailbox.

becky

For me when I was younger, it was quicksand. I was terrified of it and also sure that's how I would meet my death--by wandering into a pile of quicksand in Chicago. Although I also was sure that my parents would be killed by possessed kids who came out of an cornfield (my older brother let me watch Children of the Corn), so I wasn't the brightest.

Mir

Do not take any Mexican food under the desk with you. Stay calm and we'll send you some food, and eventually lure you out with promises of cuddling the wee, squee pup.

doulazanie

If you're freaked out living on the other side of the country from this, try living 60 miles from there. Kind of intense. My son had an evacuation drill last week because their school is built in a valley at the base of Mt. Rainier. Makes me feel all cozy and stuff to know they have to hike 2 miles uphill to get out of the way of the impending lahars.

People say it's not a big deal but how do you know for sure?

Pratt

I flew over a volcano in Hawaii in a helicopter.I even have a video of it..I know what to send you for Halloween.

Heather

Oooh, and the travel channel was showing "UNDER THE MOUNTAIN...THE MT. ST. HELEN'S STORY" or some such crap this morning. I used to have nightmares about Pompeii when I was little that still shake me to my core these days. Hang tight, try not to panic, and hope against hope that you're wrong about the dormant-yet-may-still-explode volcano under DC.

Coleen

Dude.

DUDE YOU ARE NOT FUNNY.

FUCKING FAT KID LIVES ON MAUI. OR POSSIBLY ON OAHU. I DON'T KNOW MY HAWAIIAN ISLANDS THAT WELL. BUT IT DOESN'T MATTER BECAUSE THE WHOLE FUCKING STATE IS GOING TO EXPLODE AND I WILL NO LONGER SEE MY FAT KID AGAIN.

THANKS A LOT, MISS VOLCANO HATER.

GranolaSpice

So, I don't suppose I should tell you that I live 45 miles from Mount St. Helens? Because I do. And everyday I see her let off steam...just waiting. But you? You'll be just fine. Because even in 1980 when she errupted in that batshit-crazy-ass way? It never even reached you, or anything East of Montana. You will be fine...and I will have some damn good pictures!

Amalah

SHUT UP! SHUT UP!

Martha

You deserve an honorary degree in geology. Or whatever science it is that includes volcanoes. Volcanology.

feisty girl

Amalah. Dearest. Nobody understand anxiety the way I understand anxiety, so I feel you. Really I do. But I live about 60 miles away from Mt. St. Helens, and I promise you, I'm not even going to see ash falling from this eruption. It's no big deal (not that you would be able to tell from all of the geology geeks that are lined up in their RV's just to get a glance of the thing). How about this. If it erupts, I will notify you, and then you will know that if I am at least still alive, that you will be fine? I promise. It will all be okay. And if you don't hear from me? Hightail it outta Dodge.

Pratt

So I suppose that episode of the Brady Bunch where Peter builds a volcano and it erupts all over Marcia and her friend..(Calling Dr. Freud!)is not on your must see tv list.
Honestly Amalah, I understand why you are apprehensive about this force of nature. I had a big fear of driving through Car washes once...maybe it was the sight of men shouting "More Hot Wax!" oh well..I'll send Bunny pics to soothe ya.

Jenny

Poor Amalah. I think a drinky-poo is in order. And avoidance of the news.

Oliquig

The basic idea of an irrational fear, is knowing its stupid and having the fear anyway. So those of you using logic need to back the fuck up and let Amalah be the crazy. Because Volcanoes are bad.

Heather

I understand. I'm in a different country but still closer to it than you, but I am a bit nervous. I just think *shudder* burning is the most awful thing ever. I now have the big Mount Doom explosion at the end of The Return of the King in my head.

Lee

Morty, just out of curiosity, did you absolutley freak out over the Brady Bunch episode where Bobby and Peter made a volcano in their BACK YARD??

...and how do you feel about large rocks the size of Texas on a collision course with earth? Does that freak you out a little? You know one JUST missed us last week.

Lee

ooh.....and Mt. St Helens has it's on web cam so you can track the moment you need to take shelter from the hot, boiling, lava.

Amalah

Lee, why are you so mean to me? What did I ever do to you?

Also, I am never going to work again, as I cannot avert my eyes from the VolcanoCam.

Lee

...I was just hoping that you'd bring "mortified" back into your vocabulary.

Zoot

VolcanoCam? That's insane. And it seems kinda fake to me...because I'm naive like that.

lizardek

Why, Lee, why'd you have to go and link to the volcano cam? We'll never have another Amalah update EVER again and it will be ALL YOUR FAULT.

Orrie

Oh god I live RIGHT BY THERE!
The CLOUD! I CAN SEE THE CLOUD!!!
Be glad you don't live around here, sweetums.

Stacy

I hiked up Pompei. I was gloriously, wonderously NOT thinking about the fact that it's a volcano. Until, our asshat guide starts telling us it erupts every fifty years or so and it's about a year overdue. I spent the rest of the hike being dragged by my roommate and stopping to heave in fear. Lovely trip, really.

samantha

this has to be the funniest damn set of comments EVER. Oh, Amalah, I love you, and if you eat the Mexican food we bring you, along with some nice wine, you will fall asleep. And probably have nightmares. This was supposed to be a comforting comment! CRAP!
Just watch lots of gooey girly shows and DO NOT WATCH A STUPID VOLCANO CAM. at least you didn't get your blog taken away like yours truly and could reach out for support in your time of need.

Stu

I gotta tell you, the easiest way to forget about your fear is not to face it, as some idiots will tell you, it's actually to replace it with a much larger and more irrational fear.

So I think you should know that the Washington D.C area is actually the epicenter of world lemming activities. That's right, those crazy little suicidal mammals have a home base in the capital, and every so ofter they have a summit, kinda like the WTO, and then they run amuck in the city cause ungodly amounts of havoc before launching themselves in the water. But what's even worse are the lemming protesters, because they have nothing to lose, and the lemming police are inept enough as it is, even with their tiny cans of tear gas.

Seriously, in your area, this is much more dangerous than volcanoes.

Jason

Phobia: pho·bi·a (n) - A persistent, abnormal, and irrational fear of a specific thing or situation that compels one to avoid it, despite the awareness and reassurance that it is not dangerous.

Xerxes

Oh wow you really do care about this. I dont know what to say I mean its gonna be ok we know its gonna happen and stuff so people are leaving their homes and going to the safe area and stuff.

Maggie

Ok, so, what really freaks the crap out of me is maybe this whole eruption thing is really just a minor indigestion issue and next week we'll get the earthquake that finally sends the West Coast into the ocean. And yes I know that makes no sense. To each her own irrational fear, yes? Now I need a drink.

Coleen

Jason,

Jack·ass ( P ) Pronunciation Key (JAK-as)
n.

1. A male ass or donkey.
2. A foolish or stupid person; a blockhead: “You've acted like an irrational jackass and it's time you stopped” (Margaret Truman).

XOXO,
Coleen

DeAnn

Do you live in D.C. and are worried about St. Helens? I live in Portland and haven't given it a second thought. Maybe I'm a whole different kind of crazy...

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