October 05, 2004
OH MY GOD PEOPLE.
OH MY MERCIFUL GOD IN HEAVEN.
For those who haven't been reading very long and who haven't obsessively combed through my archives so as to catch every desperate crumb of Amalah goodness, you may not know that I? Am absolutely terrified of volcanoes.
No, for real.
It's all fucking public television's fault too, but I've already told you that whole story.
So the past week? Has not been a good one for me. Jason was actually afraid to tell me about Mount St. Helens erupting again. He actually took my hand gently and looked into my eyes and said, "Baby, everything is going to be all right, but I think you should know that Mount St. Helens is erupting again AND EVERYBODY IS GOING TO DIE A FIERY MOLTEN DEATH OF POMPEIIAN PROPORTIONS."
He might not have said that last part, but I kind of blacked out for a while so it's fuzzy.
To make things even worse, Andie is on her honeymoon in Hawaii right now. HAWAII. WHICH IS BASICALLY DOZENS OF DORMANT VOLCANOES THAT ARE JUST WAITING FOR AMY OR ONE OF HER FRIENDS TO VISIT. Maui is fucking going to explode and eat Andie and Jim whole, and there's nothing I can do about it, because Jason won't let me call them.
How do I know this? Because the volcanoes KNOW. When one erupts? It sends vibrations through the tectonic plates to all the other volcanoes that NOW is the TIME for the APOCOLYPSE and then BOOM, they will all erupt at the same time like they did in that one part of Disney's Fantasia.
Do not even attempt to argue with me on this. That's just good science right there.
Also, I am fairly certain that there is a dormant volcano under Washington, DC, that will also get the bat signal from St. Helens and erupt and I will die. And then you will all be sorry. The whole world will be in chaos like some bad Jerry Bruckheimer movie and Will Smith will be all, "WHY DIDN'T YOU LISTEN TO AMY, MR. PRESIDENT? SHE KNEW THIS WOULD HAPPEN!"
And then Martin Sheen will look pensive and turn to his evil vice president who got my letter about the tectonic plates but hid it because it would uncover decades of government corruption and say, "May God have mercy on us all."
And then lava bursts through the windows of the Oval Office and everyone dies. The end.
(If anyone needs me, I will be balled up under my desk weeping softly.)
(And you think I'm kidding, don't you?)