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September 2004
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November 2004

Wednesday Advice Recipedown

(Or, the Wednesday Recipe Smackdown, but isn't "Recipedown" a funny word?) No advice column today, at least not in the traditional sense. Instead? Something better. As the old saying goes, "You give a girl a hair product, her hair looks awesome for one day. You teach a girl how to make homemade Reese's chocolate peanut butter cups, her already-awesome hair will distract everyone from her huge, fat ass." So exactly. I'm going to teach y'all how to make homemade chocolate peanut butter cups that taste just like the Reese's ones, only better, because they're a lot more difficult. Except they're easy! (I lie! I lie! Why do I tell such lies?) Some context: today is Chocolate Day at work. Which is pretty much just what it sounds like. It's our annual Day Of All Things Chocolate For Which To Stuff Our Faces With. Everybody makes or bakes or buys something chocolatey and we eat it all. All day. Here's the spread this year: I think I kind of want a salad. The last couple Chocolate Days I was super-ambitious to out-chocolate people and made "Reese's Peanut Butter Cup Clones" from an old seekrit family recipe that I found online by... Read more →


Dreams Dreams Dreams

dfohdhf. AUOJDFhldfhllllllllsud9.;. Yes, really. Bitches, I am TIRED today. In an effort to not become a total tranquilizer sleeping pill addict and end up like Winona Ryder stealing Coach bags from Neiman's while sleepwalking, I went sleeping-pill free all weekend. The worst part was actually not the not-sleeping-part. The worst part was the crazy-ass dreams I had when I did manage to sleep for an hour or two. Dream #1 involved me posing as a flight attendant. It was a high-pressure masquerade, as I kept whacking people in the elbows with the beverage cart until one guy stood up and yelled that I was the WORST STEWARDRESS EVER and that I should be fired. And then all the oxygen masks fell from the ceiling! And the captain informed me that we were all going to die! And there were all these damn passengers who wouldn't put on their damn oxygen masks because it was against their religion. Gah. (And during the whole dream I kept wishing I was allowed to operate my laptop so I could write an entry about it. That's dedication, people.) Dream #2 involved a volcano, a bicycle, the city of Des Moines and Krusty the Klown... Read more →


Shatner To the Rescue

I think everything is going to be all right. Jason sent this to my office yesterday: Say it with me. HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA. The thing is? While this album is, of course, COMPLETELY hysterical, it's also way better than it should be. For real. I'm like, ENJOYING it. Credit to Ben Folds, who arranged it and got all sorts of cool-enough-to-appear-on-a-William-Shatner-album-and-have-it-make-sense artists like Aimee Mann and Joe Jackson to play along. I'm not sure what this says about me, but I heart this CD so much. Jason also sent me these: I know, right? I suck. At least that's what my new therapist told me yesterday. No, not really. But I kind of felt that way after pouring out all my assorted Crazy to the sweetest, gentlest person I have ever met, only to be told, essentially, to grow the fuck up. No, not really. But also yes. And then my hands stopped trembling for the first time in weeks and I was suddenly aware that there was absolutely no chance that I would drop dead of massive-internal-organ-explosion-itis while sitting there on her couch. Huh. So see? This Shatner album really IS good, and that's not just The Crazy talking. Read more →


Two Steps Back

Damn. Damn damn damn. I was doing really well there, couldn't you tell? Besides the Volcano Crazy and the Manic Bitch Crazy, I was definitely on an uptick. I made it through the Social Phobia Event of the Season. I made it through a week with the Amazing Projectile Pooping Puppy with grace and ease and four bottles of Nature's Miracle. I made it through a week of Incredibly Important Grown-Up Meetings and did not get fired, but was actually invited to my company's equivalent to the Big Kid's Table for more Incredibly Important Business Planning Brainstorming Thingies. I made dinner one night and put my clothes away. I went to the store and bought Jason a present to thank him for all the flowers and gifts and molten chocolate lava cakes he's sent me over the last few hellish months. Real-life people who know me complimented me on how "like myself" I was. La, la, la, bunnies and rainbows and such. But I think It's back. I'm still not even sure what "it" is. I just know it sucks and it makes me sad and it makes life hard for everyone around me. It's panic, tears, trembling, insomnia, fear,... Read more →


Wednesday Advice Smackdown

A WORD OF ACTUAL ADVICE TO ALL RECIPIENTS OF FAKE ADVICE: My job has erupted with the crazy and the busy. Like a volcano of work. Boom! Also, I am fighting a cold that I absolutely positively must not come down with. There is no time to be sick. There is also no time for this column, but I’m not letting that stop me. You know why? Because I am a trooper. Now what was I saying before? Right. This week’s advice will probably be even suckier and faker than usual. Because wah. (Also, the Wednesday Advice Smackdown has officially reached full Cabbage Patch Kids proportions, with the number of questions far exceeding my wee brain’s ability to answer in one day. So if your question is not answered here, please check back next week because I keep them all forever until they are answered and also your call is very important to me, please stay on the line, etc.) Hey Amy, I want to thank you for your recent advice column where you recommended several haircare products for those of us who are unfortunate enough to have fine, oily, stringy hair. I just got a haircut like two weeks... Read more →


Eruption

OH MY GOD PEOPLE. OH MY MERCIFUL GOD IN HEAVEN. For those who haven't been reading very long and who haven't obsessively combed through my archives so as to catch every desperate crumb of Amalah goodness, you may not know that I? Am absolutely terrified of volcanoes. No, for real. STOP LAUGHING. It's all fucking public television's fault too, but I've already told you that whole story. So the past week? Has not been a good one for me. Jason was actually afraid to tell me about Mount St. Helens erupting again. He actually took my hand gently and looked into my eyes and said, "Baby, everything is going to be all right, but I think you should know that Mount St. Helens is erupting again AND EVERYBODY IS GOING TO DIE A FIERY MOLTEN DEATH OF POMPEIIAN PROPORTIONS." He might not have said that last part, but I kind of blacked out for a while so it's fuzzy. To make things even worse, Andie is on her honeymoon in Hawaii right now. HAWAII. WHICH IS BASICALLY DOZENS OF DORMANT VOLCANOES THAT ARE JUST WAITING FOR AMY OR ONE OF HER FRIENDS TO VISIT. Maui is fucking going to explode... Read more →


The Coupon Adventure

So my day started with a coworker giving me a coupon for a free medium coffee at the Krispy Kreme across the street. I don’t like coupons. Which is stupid and shallow of me, I know. I get embarrassed. Not because I think they make me look poor or something, but because they seem so presumptuous. “Hello, I know how to use scissors. Please give me free stuff.” I also hate coupons because most of the time I’ve forgotten to read some tiny print on the coupon and am informed that I can’t use my coupon, not on Tuesdays and not on the East Coast between the hours of 9 am to 8 am. But free coffee? All over that. Plus, I had to run to the pharmacy in the same shopping center as the Krispy Kreme, so it just made good sense. I had to drop off (surprise surprise) a bazillion refill prescriptions for The Crazy Pills. Okay, just three. But still. The pharmacist there must think I am the most tragic head case ever. My prescription history there looks something like this (yeah, suck that, HIPAA): February: Pre-fertility-drug drug Fertility drug Prenatal vitamins (haaaaaaaaaaa!) March: Pre-fertility-drug drug Fertility... Read more →