Advice Smackdown, Part II
Voting Is More Fun Than Reading This Site

Spazzy

A Big Author is coming to the office today, and I must pretend to be a Real Editor.  Who can like, write and shit. Also spell. And I must do all of this with a throat that is all but swollen shut for some reason.

But I'm wearing my lucky Pink shirt, complete with Jason's cufflinks, because they cost more than mine. I shall be brilliant and together and financially savvy and I won't get the S&P 500 mixed up with the Dow Jones Industrial Average. Again.

But all this professionalismissitude means that I won't be around today to write that totally brilliant and hilarious entry that I totally meant to write today. Oh man, it's such a shame. You would have loved it.

So instead, why don't y'all just check out the archives and then discuss how much better this site used to be in the old days, when I actually put effort into things instead of just sitting down at the keyboard and writing really, really long run-on sentences about my hair. Which is very FRIZZY today and not professional and I hate it. I'm getting it cut tomorrow. Perhaps I shall hack it all off.

Dun dun DUN! There's a little mystery for the weekend. Will Amy cut her hair super short? Or will she just get a trim? And what about the bangs? WHAT ABOUT THE BANGS?

(I've always wanted to do a weekend cliffhanger post. I'm not sure this is what I had in mind.)

My throat hurts. I think I might be running a wee temperature.

Big Author gets here in 45 minutes. I need to pull it the fuck together. And put my hair up in a professional matronly bun or something.

Oh! Jason sent me flowers this week? Because he likes to make the husbands of my friends look bad? And the bouquet has sunflowers and these weird little yellow chili pepper things. Which are very cool, but they look DELICIOUS, because I love chili peppers. Can I eat them? Are they poisonous? Is Jason trying to kill me with irresistable foliage of death?

I am so, so hungry. I also forget what I was talking about. I also am very nervous about Big Author all of a sudden and am too paralyzed with fear and hunger to get my damn notes together or find a pen that doesn't have teeth marks all over it to take to the Big Meeting.

I'm really not drunk. I swear. This is just Amy in High-Pressure Situations. I'm really quite a pain in the ass, especially when the nervous tics start up because I tap things and make softly annoying tapping sounds. I also have to pee a lot.

(There's a frightening and growing number of coworkers who read this site, and yet this does not stop me from sharing all this information. I am clearly deranged. Coworkers? If you see me today? Please give me a hug and tell me I look pretty and that I'm totally the best editor ever, because I'm so cool and stuff.)

(It might also be a good idea to carry a brown paper bag around today in case you stumble upon me hyperventilating in the supply closet or something.)

(Actually, instead of a hug? Just give me a good, hard slap. Thanks. Y'all are peach pies.)

Comments

type a

puh-leeze. you'll totally dazzle. show 'em the cufflinks *shiny objects*

and also? if you chop off your hair maria-style? i will kill. YOU.

Chris

Yo! How bout former coworkers? Can we tell you you look pretty and that your totally the best editor ever because you're so cool and stuff? Or can only people at the "other" company do that?

:-)

When the job stress gets too high, I have developed a simple and effective coping strategy which consists entirely of cranking "Bright Future in Sales" by Fountains of Wayne, then singing the chorus REALLY loud. Chases MY blues away, while annoying the fuck out of my cube mates.

I gotta get my shit together
'cuz I can't live like this forever
You know I've come too far and I don't want to fail
I've got a new computer and a bright future in sales

Bright future in sales, yeah, yeah!

feisty girl

Aw honey. You don't need a slap! You need chocolate, and five minutes alone with US magazine. It will give you a new lease on life!

Heather

Oooh, a cliffhanger. Will there be bangs? I'm on the edge of my seat!

Jenny

http://www.anthropologie.com/jump.jsp?itemID=44&itemType=CATEGORY

saw these and thought of you!

Janet

omG you're so pretty!!! And hot! Oh, and who's the Big Author? I met an author the other day, but he's more well known as an actor: Sean Astin. Very sweet!

Stu

Oh, my God!
I can't stand the suspense, please hair, don't go through that door, the man with the scissors is behind it!!! Don't go!! Turn around and run, NOW!!!

alektra

I would just like to point out that none of your coworkers think you're insane because anyone with a mind has all this stuff going on, too. It's why we all find this amusing to read--because we're exactly the same way. :)

Shiz

Amy, THEY ARE POISONOUS. THEY ARE VERY POISONOUS. It's called the Jerusalem Cherry and we used to have a plant of them. A member of the deadly nightshade family. Don't let kids or pets near them.

You are a DAMN FINE editor! Knock em dead!

Also? Have we heard of BIG author? What makes him BIG, exactly?

kalisah

Just don't share whatever is ailing you with Big Author and turn it all into a Seinfield episode.


Anc BTW, I have thick wavy (read: frizzy) hair, too. DON'T CUT IT SHORT. IT WILL NOT HELP.

I just got me an ionic hair dryer and it ROCKS. Try that. And lots of good product. I use about 6.

Coleen

I want that shirt. I bet redheads look HOTT in pink.

sarcastic journalist

Just do what I always did: Walk around with papers in your hand and when you need to look important, act like you are So Important that You Read While You Walk.

Sweety

*slap*

Fraulein N

Yeah, what Sweety said. And be sure to stay away from the deadly foliage. Also, updates on the hair! With pictures, please!

Zoot

If anyone deserves a good husband it's you!

Sarcomical

so??? how did it go? what happened? did you wow him with your intellect and superior beauty?

also, did you get your hair cut? i have no fear about you getting your hair cut because i think change can be good if you need it. did you need it? did you cut it? tell us, PLEASE! also include a picture. because we must see how pretty you are.

also, do what george does to look important. always act frustrated, rub your hand on your brow and act shake your head like you just don't know how the hell to complete all the big important and smart things you have to do. it should work. if it is good enough for george, it's good for me!

Princess

Please Please Please do not eat the decorative peppers!!!! they are highly toxic and we do not need a sick Queen of Everything! We just got you well again. You know your subjects are nervous when you are sick.

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